


Voice in my Head

by creamcats



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, And I'm Proud, Angst, Anxiety, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Humour, M/M, Masochism, Masturbation, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Smut, Unrequited Love, i have sinned, ooc i guess idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-17
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-23 11:15:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 43,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3766087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creamcats/pseuds/creamcats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roses are red,<br/>Violets are blue,<br/>I gotta come out,<br/>What do I do?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**I didn’t want this to happen.** This shouldn’t have happened but it did. I knew something bad was going to happen sooner or later but just... not this. I just knew something was going to mess this really nice balance that I had going on. The feeling of spiking the ball, receiving spikes even if I’m bad at it, practicing with others, even being on that court and knowing that you have a team, friends, and family that will always be there for you is really comforting; you know the stuff that makes you feel happy inside. That’s until I realised that everything isn’t going to be alright. It just isn’t. Nobody can be this happy for too long. Nobody can smile and enjoy life for too long. In the end, something bad happens and it really pushes you and it makes me feel really sad to admit this but… I like guys. I like them and it’s a problem and now I don’t know how to tell anyone. I feel like they’ll stop trusting me if I do like they’d be disgusted with me and I hate saying that word because it doesn’t seem right. Not for Suga, not for Daichi or anyone else on the team.

I admire everyone on that team, they all have something I can learn from; Asahi and Tanaka’s power, Noya’s receiving prowess, and Kageyama’s tossing, but the fact that I catch myself staring at them for too long in the changing rooms is scaring me. I can’t tear my eyes away. At first, I thought it was normal because it’s just admiring someone that deserves attention, everyone likes attention and deserves it too but this attention was a bit much. I thought it was alright because I look up to all these people so admiring how they look is fine. Not at all actually because once I accepted looking at them I started looking more and more and more. It really scared me that I picked out my favourite person among them and started looking at them more than anyone else; drinking in every last detail in their body.

I’d take in every last detail; from his back and how the muscles in it back would move, to his hands and how calloused but perfect they are, how they would not waste a single movement while changing, even to his eyes and the blue abyss they are and how lost I find myself when I look into them. Every time we change that happens and every time he always rudely asks ‘What’s up, Dumbass’ and I make some really made up excuse like ‘Sorry I’m out of it today’ or ‘I just haven’t slept in a while, don’t worry!’ but I don’t think it’s going to be a good enough excuse for long because he gives me a suspicious look and carries on changing. Yet, every week he changes next to me, slower, and always with a content look on his face. Why?

I’m so sorry I’m like this but I can’t stop. I can’t stop when I’m always around you 24/7. I can’t stop because you invade my thoughts and personal space every day. I can’t stop because I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to stop looking at you because you’re beautiful. I don’t want to stop looking at you because every curve in your body is magnificent. I don’t want to stop because I know and notice things others don’t and it comforts me. Did you know you had a mole on your lower back? It’s gotten to the point where I don’t trust myself near him because I know that once I see something I really like, I have to have it, touch it, treasure it. I need to have him. I just want a hug, a look only I can get; something that nobody else but I can have. I want us to be something Kageyama. I want it so bad but you don’t and it truly scares me.

You like volleyball more than me. It’s not fair! I want you and only you! I want you to love me! I want to hold hands with you, kiss you and do... other things too. They're not t h a t bad, the worst one was... er... actually that's kinda bad. OK! It was really bad. This is really getting out of hand and it is spiraling out of my control. I care... but I don't. I care because it's Kageyama and he's gross and icky and probably still has cooties yet I don't because it's gotten to the point of no return so I seriously can't bring myself to. Ugh! Just... Ugh!  
"Hinata! Do you have ears?" Kageyama practically roars. Even his anger makes me happy. This is starting to freak me out now.  
"YES!"  
“Then listen with them!” he huffs and carries on talking. “As I was saying, we have a practice match with Seijou so don’t suck so much.” When did we have a practice match? Did I miss up on something? I feel like, ever since I… found out… I’ve missed a lot of important information. I can’t believe I wasn’t happy at Paa’s birthday… he has the best taste in cake imaginable!  
“... hmph” I’ve never felt so unhappy in my life. It’s not even unhappy it’s just out of sorts because I feel as if this thing is ruining my life.  
“What’s wrong with you?” What’s wrong with me? Nothing! Nothing is up with me! I’m fine, don’t worry. I have never felt any better than right now! That’s a lie but I don’t want you worrying about me when you have that match against Oikawa.  
“N-nothing’s wrong”  
“Yeah okay,” he huffs. “Just fucking tell me. You’ve been acting weird...” he kinda mutters the last bit, trying to make me not hear it but I did and my stomach flutters. He cares about me. He cares about me but it shouldn’t feel this nice, it shouldn’t make my tummy feel weird. It shouldn’t even make me feel any emotion other than relief at the fact that he hasn’t tried to torture the information out of me… yet. He has a whole dial of Homicidal Glares and they are not pretty… okay kinda. Even his glares are pretty because his eyes ruin it for me. I can’t be scared when the ocean’s staring back at me. No. This is all kinds of wrong and I can't tell him.  
“It’s really personal and I just… don’t wanna tell you” I mumble. What am I even supposed to tell you? I like your back, it’s sexy. I like your face, that’s also sexy. You’re very good-looking. Because if so that’s just not how it works.  
“Why not” he says but softer this time and oh lord why is my face heating up? I’m not a microwave but I’ve turned into one whenever I’m around him. That makes no sense but it does now!  
“Because… I’ll just tell you later okay” I murmur into my hand. I can’t look him in the eye; not those blue, enchanting eyes, I feel like my face is on another level and my hair is glowing with embarrassment. That drain is so very interesting. He tries his best to sound disinterested but he really isn’t; I know that sound. We’ve spent so much time together; lunches, breaks, before school, after school, it feels weird not to have him with me. Even if we do stupid things like race a lot, argue a lot, get in really weird competitions almost every day, it’s still nice to have him around and doing stuff with me (VOLLEYBALL). Him just tossing and being on that court is more special than anyone else and I knew something was a bit off when all I started to care about was him, his tosses at first, then whether he felt alright and how he feels at that moment, and then… other things. I just convinced myself that ‘hey! you’re supposed to care about your teammates so it’s all cool’. Totally not the actual reason. When you start thinking about how it would feel if their tongue was in your mouth or their hands around your body or just their tongue anywhere on your body, it is NOT about teamwork. I’m pretty sure it’s safe to assume that nobody else wants their teammate to kiss every inch of their skin but let’s not even go there. Not naming any names here but... Daichi… Suga… I’m not naming any names though! His presence is really nice though, a warm, solid kinda presence that just makes you feel comfy and secure just standing next to him. It’s nice. Comforting even. It’s… something I should not be thinking about.  
“I’ll see you then” he mutters. Wait! Don’t leave yet! I don’t want you to leave just yet Kageyama! I just want you here, because it feels good to have you here with me. Don’t turn around! Don’t leave me yet!  
“No! Wait!” I urgently shout and he whips around.  
“What?” Uh. I did not think this far ahead. I should actually start doing that more… maybe it’ll help somewhere down the line. Quick! Think, think, think!  
“I’m sorry!” Don’t be mad at me. Do something! Get his attention! What am I-? I knew I had to do something and do it quickly but hugging him? His chest is really warm and his heart is beating really fast too. Glad I’m not the only one! His arms are awkwardly pressed against his sides and I can't see his face but I know he's embarrassed too. I want you to like me more than volleyball... is that too hard to ask for? I want to hold hands and be together and kiss each other because I love you but it's really one sided. I take a step back and shortly after, my bike collapses to the floor and time seems real again.  
“Pick up your bike” He’s mad... Why did I do that? Now everything's gonna be weird. Now everything is gonna be off because I did something wrong. This is all my fault! Why in the world would I do that? I could have did so many other things that would have made him stay and I did that. I messed up. I messed up! Now he’s probably disgusted with me or something that I never wanted. Ever. This is not good. I don't want him to hate me! No! Please don't! My eyes are brimming with tears Kageyama don't leave me like this, please!  
"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean that! Don't be mad!" Stop crying like an idiot. He's mad and he's mad at you. Just accept it. I haul my bike up and run off with it (also any remnant of a friendship we had because what I did was... strange). I can't see him because he might think badly of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of a fucking hurricane... strap up kids.
> 
> Tumblr: @taciturnpotatos
> 
> \- May xx


	2. Eggs, Bacon, Grill, SAUSAGE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry but I had to with that title. Team suspicion, sausages are digested, our sweet puff pastry squirted too much jam

“Ah Hinata… You seem off” Noya murmurs suspiciously and squints his eyes to make me really uncomfortable.  
“Don’t worry Nishinoya-senpai! I’m fine!” Just add that senpai just to get him distracted and it works because his eyes light up as he takes a sip from his water bottle and he makes the funniest face ever. You know that ‘he just called me senpai’ face.  
“You do seem a bit off though” Daichi hums.  
“It’s just a bit... _**hurh**_ at the moment but it’s, like, cool… or whatever” I babble. That seemed a bit stiff; especially the whatever bit but who even cares. Whatever. The whole team is squinting their eyes suspiciously at me and it freaks me out. Why are they staring at me like that? That’s really weird and it’s super uncomfortable. Discomfort. I think it’s called discomfort. Creepy. What’s even creepier is the fact that they keep staring at me like that… all of them… at the same time. Blinking at me owlishly, staring me down. My soul is crying right now or cracking. Definitely both.  
“Stop before you break him” Ukai chides and they all peel their eyes away from me. I’m having nightmares and I’m still awake.

\---------------

Maa makes amazing octopus sausages whenever she can't be bothered making actual food. Paa, Natsu and, I love it. I have yet to see her in the kitchen, but when I'm gone I have the screening suspicion that she puts extra happiness and rainbows into these sausages. They're so yummy! They're like she took all the happy things in the world and jammed them into some small, beautiful sausages. Yum! They're so perfect! Natsu will love this... Where is Natsu? She has extraterrestrial smelling; she could smell Maa's sausages from countries away so why is she not here? Believe me when I say if... Natsu has an appetite. She eats double what I do and I'm nearly triple her age. Spooky.

"Natsu's asleep. It was sports day in her school today. Check my phone if you want to see it," Sometimes I wonder whether she can mind-read or I’m just an open book. Maa has very secret superpowers that she got once I was born. That is a fact! She even told me herself so go ask her for confirmation! “Got anything on your mind, hun?”  
“Nah.. not really” I hum and try to sneak my hand past her so I could get a sausage.  
“Try it Shouyou. Try it” she threatens and grabs my hand, staring me dead in the eye. I don’t need to be a genius to know what that means. “Why don’t you search for something to watch” or you could just tell me to go away. I’d be less offended you know. Well! Might as well make the couch comfy with extra pillows and cushions just to be sure. I want my butt to feel like royalty. Royal butt…. royal butt. Or I could make a fortress of comfort. I like royal butts better; it just seems like an amazing idea to have your butt feel like the Queen of England. Who is she again? She has a really British name... like Barbara and some numbers after it... Queen Barbara IV. Sounds about right. Barbara seems like such an old fashioned name that you'd get in the 60s (no offense Barbara, I don't think you're that old!) Oh! And in England they have extra comfy chairs as well so I have to make this one extra special. For the glory of my clan! You will experience Butt Valhalla! Let's make a couch so comfy Queen Barbara IV would be jealous. Queen Barbara IV. That seems off. Ah. Because she's Queen Barbara V not the IV duh. Right?

Maa sets down the platter and plops down on the couch. My handy work is ruined. The apocalypse has approached my friend.  
"Maaaaaaa, I tried to make it special"  
"Make what special?"  
"Your butt of course"  
"Why don't you sit down and enjoy butt royalty," she giggles, putting her hand up to cover her mouth. So lady-like. So graceful. "You always talk aloud. Did you know that?"  
"I'm trying!" I squeal.  
"Especially when you're deep in thought or sleeping. Remember that one time you had a dream ab-"  
"Sssshhhhhhhh! They might hear you!" I hush and stuff my face. She smirks at me.  
"You've got such a cute nervous habit; you just stuff your face like the little pumpkin you are!" she croons grossly. Ew no.  
"Maaaaa! I'm 15" I groan and stuff my face even more. It may not help in the long term but it's helping now!  
"You should really tell them how you feel ya know"  
"Yeah... I kno' but i'l be weird..." I muffle behind all the food in my mouth. She pulls a disgusted face and wipes the corner of my mouth.  
"Because guys don't confess to g-"  
"Aaaaaactuallllllyyyyyyy... it's not reeeeeaaaaallllyyyy a giiiiiirrrrl..." I extend every syllable just to make sure she heard it right. How am I even gonna tell her? What would she even think of me? She'd be alright I'm sure she would, her face doesn't really have any 'bad' emotions or anything of the sort so that's alright. She doesn’t look all that bothered. Should I be happy? Should I be mad? Should I even be freaking out this much? If she isn’t that bothered then surely it’s alright… right. I guess... I think… I hope… I'm so stressed I'm calm. I don't want her to think bad about me but then again she wouldn't really mind what sort of life I live as long as I enjoy it. I would hate it if she hated me but she just can't bring herself to care all too much about a person's life because, hey it's their life whatever man. She leans back on the cushioned couch and hums, "Yeah I know it's a guy..." What? "You know... I have never met a woman called Tobio. Pretty rare name actually..."  
"Your chill with it?!" I did not expect this; I don't even know what I expected but it wasn't this.  
"Of course I'm chill. You're happy, I'm happy Shouyou hun. Remember that okay. If you wanna marry a boy that's fine by me; you've got my approval" she states sagely as she stuffs her mouth. That actually went a whole lot better than I expected. I thought she’d be… I didn’t know what I wanted her to be like to anything would have relieved me in some way. Like if she was mad at least she would’ve reacted, right, even if it was a bad reaction she still understood what I meant so that’s pretty great. Yet now that I know that she knows that I know, what would she say if… like, they met up or something. She has an important profession and that is to embarrass me whenever I have someone over with legendary phrases like ‘look at him when he was 2’ or ‘he had a weird cheese fetish when he was 9’ and even ‘he couldn’t even pull his pants up by himself until he was 5’. The horrors are too great...  
"But you can't tell him okay" I groan and she gulps down some cinnamon tea  
"I don't even know him Shouyou," she rolled her eyes. "But it's our little secret" and she presses her finger into her lips, winking at me.  
"Only we and the royal butts know"  
"Of course," she smirks lazily at me. "You gay?"  
"What!?" I scream  
"Natsu is asleep. Remember? But anyway, did you take the time to figure out or did you just assume?" Assume what? Gimme a hint or something don't just sip at your tea like nothing is happening. I don't know. Do you mean assume I was gay or... I'm sticking with that.  
“I dunno. I just knew I liked a boy that way but I’ve never liked a girl that way so… yeah…” I mumble dejectedly. Ugh! Why can’t you just be born into the world and know important things about yourself already. I want to be born and know all my strengths and weaknesses so I wouldn’t have to figure it out later because it takes sooooo much time and I could use that practising VOLLEYBALL with… him.  
“Remember Naomi?”  
“huh?”  
“Naomi… She was in grade school I think and you’d come home every day with stars in your eyes ranting and babbling about this girl in your class like, ‘Maa-chan, did you know we have a new girl called Nao-chan and she’s so very cute her hair is so pretty but her eyes are the prettiest because they’re like chocolate and you can’t tell her okay Maa-chan.’ You always had a thing for pretty eyes you know”  
“I DIDN’T SAY THAT!”  
“Inside voice Shouyou and yes. Yes you did” she chuckles. “I remember seeing you give her a daisy with a very serious look on your face and telling her to keep special care of it but she wasn’t even all you hyped her up to be. Seemed like a regular girl to me; brown hair, brown eyes… simple.” I remember now. She looked cute through my 6 year old eyes, maybe because younger looking people tend to look… nicer (sorry to everyone of my ancestors, you are pretty old but you’re still beautiful!) She had really big, round eyes and a playful smile that just melted my heart every time I saw it. Unfortunately, she had to leave because of some family problems someplace else and (I admit) I was really upset.  
“You could be bisexual but I’m no sexuality expert so… self-discovery is the way”  
“Um… thanks a bunch but I’m gonna go now okay”  
“You sure you don’t wanna finish these sausages… there are like 2 left!” Well. The promise of sausages will always tempt me.

\---------------

If Maa already knows, who else should know? Paa is at work so he has to know when he’s at home, Natsu is, like... 6, far too young to even comprehend what gay means so let’s not even go there (plus she’s practically Satan so she’d tease me even if she doesn’t know what it means), and uncles and aunts in an extended family like mine is a not so great idea. Friends? I have some from my old school but I haven’t spoken to them in a long time so just coming up and saying that I like guys completely out of nowhere is out of the question and just plain weird. I could tell Daichi and Suga but I don’t have them in my contacts and even if I did I don’t want to talk to my proverbial parents about something important over the phone. That’s against every rule in and of nature; you just can’t do it. The same can be said with the rest of the team really… I might not even have them but even if I did it’s really important so I just… can’t. That leaves Kageyama. I can’t believe I’m even thinking of this train of thought; it’s gonna end up badly and I know it but I can’t help searching for his name and putting the phone to my ear. It’s nice to hear his deep voice every once in a while though so win-win. He’s not even gon-  
“What?!” Calm down matey! I just called you it’s probably not even that late.  
“Oh sorry. Did I interrupt someone’s bedtime naps?” At least over the phone he can’t kill me so this isn’t such a bad idea is it now. He can’t get rid of my scalp because we’re so many metres away and, yeah, he might be tall but he can’t reach me now can he?  
“Why did you even call in the first place?” he huffs frustratedly. Start off small… like the hug. It’s small compared to the other big news I’m about to drop on him that’s for sure!  
“You know when I hugged you… did that bother you or…?”  
“Of course it bothered me, you hugged me, fucking cried and ran away!” Don’t say it like that! It wasn’t that bad! Maybe it was but nobody needs to know.  
“Shut up! I mean did you hate it or…?” Please say you didn’t mind it…  
“I could tolerate it,” he grumbles. “Why are you even asking?”  
“Because it has something to do with the important thing I was telling you about…” This is too long a pause, a minute is too long a pause in this situation that we’re in, a second seems even longer than before as I wait for his silence to end. I haven’t even said the thing and he’s reacting weirdly.  
“What was it?” I can see the roll in his eyes. I’m trying to keep your attention here, you don’t answer calls this quickly so don’t even start with me young man (6 whole months younger than me)  
“It was really important by the way. But erm… Kageyama are you listening?”  
“Just spit it out you’re wasting my time”  
“Fine! Just calm down okay…” your negative attitude towards everything is getting onto me and it’s really contagious. “Kageyama. I like boys… and girls but it’s mostly boys” Don’t pause like that. This is too important for you too be messing around like this. I get it, we are weird fighty buddies and all that but you need to just k n o w when you have to say something and when you shouldn’t or can’t. Doesn’t take a genius to solve that, Mr. Genius-Setter.  
“What does that have to do with me?” What? What?! This.. this just. How?!  
“This has everything to do with you… You’re my best friend so I thought you should be one of the first to know”  
“Best friend?”  
“I’M NOT JOKING SO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY YOU IDIOT!” Stop making me feel bad things that I don’t wanna feel. I don’t wanna be angry, especially at you. “I thought that cause you are just… there so you should be the first to know about all this but obviously you don’t care about anything that comes out of my mouth. I know you’re a mean person but you don’t have to be this mean to me. I was only trying to make things better”  
“Sorry… I-” The line cut off. He left in the middle of his own sentence. Maybe his face did it? Maybe it was on purpose? Why did he say sorry to me when I’m the one who shouted at him for no reason?

 **Kageyama 19:15**  
It’s cool with me

 

 **Me 19:16**  
Sorry  
I shouldn’t have shouted at you

 **Kageyama 19:16**  
I was more of a dick

 

If this is how Kageyama is… then why did the I choose such a weird person to like?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to give a shootout to the song: Ugh - The 1975  
> The funky beat kept my sanity while I wrote these 10k words. Quality over quantity, as I always say (I've never said this), and I have one of 'em... and it's not quality. (Queen Barbara killed me... I'm British).
> 
> Tumblr: @taciturnpotatos
> 
> \- May xx


	3. Akanezuki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lunch + Teenage Boys = Fluff  
> Walking Home + Teenage Boys = Fluff  
> Home + Teenage Boys = Fluff  
> Wanking + Teenage Boys = Smut and of course Fluff... somehow  
> Breakfast + Teenage Boys = Fluff
> 
> Fluff will always be in the equation and I'm terribly sorry. 
> 
> What? I'm totally sane.

“Shouyou hun, a friend, Natsu and I are going out… do you want to stay at a friend’s place?” Maa hums while folding the laundry. How many white shirts does this house even have? “Oh and if you are come over to that ramen store by… 7:30 in the morning. You know him right… Higurashi isn’t it?”

“Mr Hideki I think. He got married once didn’t he?”  
“Aaah Mr Hideki... We’ll meet there then”  
“Remember him Maa?”  
“Of course I do, his ramen is the greatest food item to grace the earth and that is not me being biased whatsoever” she hums and nods her head sagely. Of course, I join along. Who wouldn’t? With his ramen and rice being amazing of course I would.  
“He makes breakfasts too?” I ask Maa as she loads the washing machine with lots of knee pads and makes a complainey face. It’s not my fault that all the knee pads are always dirty! Tanaka and Noya think it’s a great idea to have mud fights… Daichi does not. Neither does Suga… or anyone else who has to tidy up the aftermath.  
“This man is the epitome of human perfection and culinary skill of course he can make damn breakfasts too!” That word is too long I cannot compute it. “Epitome: noun; a person who possesses a lot of something or a lot of a thing, or all of it, in one place” she words out condescendingly. Yeah, I get it. No need to pull out the dictionary in your mind’s database. Maa is like a computer storage system; nothing gets passed her in terms of memory… nothing. She’s like a 600-kilobyte computer storage database. I have no idea what that means but it sounds fancy so I’m sticking to it.  
“Don- How-... Why are your knee pads so dirty? You practise indoors soo... why in the lord's name are they so muddy?” Well that’s a whole ‘nother story for another day Maa and I so wish you could listen but I have a mission I must complete you see.  
“3 words. Tanaka and Noya are idiots.” 3 words.... That doesn’t add up somewhere.  
“You’re an idiot because that is five.” Yeah, it is… No it’s not and I have evidence!  
“Tanaka doesn’t count because it’s a name!” Perfect evidence! There is no way you can deny that in the kitchen of law.  
“Yeah… alright, matey” she replies with so much sarcasm that I think I just learned something new. Apparently names are words and not something else. Spooky. I feel like I’ve been lying to myself for all these years yet I feel like I should be really offended because she is the Sass Queen and I am under her tyrant reign of supreme. “Don’t forget to do the thing Shou hun. The weight of humanity and their lives depend on your actions. Do not let them down!”  
“Sir! Yes, Sir!” I salute. “I mean Ma’am! Yes Ma’am!” she playfully rolls her eyes at me and pinches my nose  
“Go get ‘em soldier” she whispers and comically tears up.  
“Ma’am! Yes, Ma’am!” What did I just sign up to again?

\---------------

A friend... Just someone I can stay over with for a bit. I'm not trusted in the house alone anymore because of unfortunate events (I broke the microwave by putting a fork in it. It was an accident!) Who's a close friend? I went over the list some time ago. No family members, and my older friends because I haven't spoken to them in a long while actually. I have to catch up with ‘em sometime. Close friends, close friends, close friends... him again.

It's not that I don't like him, more than that actually, but it's just... ain't so convenient for me now is it. I like guys and he doesn't so he might catch on. This is gonna be so awkward and strange. I know he's fine with it, but he could just be saying that. Like how I could say I know what 'epitome' meant and you'd believe me until I said I didn't. I could lie about so many things and you wouldn't know and that's very scary because anything could be a lie if you think about it hard enough (not too hard; your brain will hurt!) Yet, I feel like he could just be saying that to make me feel better.

He has a bit of emotion... it's very hard to see, but it's there. Right under the magnifying glasses lens. But yeah. It makes sense because he was really surprised when I told him wasn't he. Yeah. Well he can't kill me from this distance so my scalp is safe for now (I hope) and he's always talking about how his parents are never home (and I'm always listening.) It wouldn't hurt to ask! I guess I’ve got to call him again. Wow! Frustration is in the air. Just like air salon pas at a volleyball match. How could you not smell it? It’s everywhere!  
"What?!"  
"Aaaawwww, did I disturb somebody's bedtime?" Great start! There's no way my hair will be intact when I'm over. Not even the luckiest of survivors get to experience the feeling of a full head of hair when Kageyama has unleashed his wrath on you. I should just kiss my gorgeous orange locks goodbye.  
"Dumbass. What did you call for?" Let's get down to business Mr. Kageyama  
"Weeeell. Maa'sdoingathingsoIhavetogetoutthehousebecauseshedoes'ttrustmesonowIhavetostayoveratafriend'splaceandsincewearebestbudsIthoughtsI'dstayoveratyourhouse." He takes a deep breathe in and there's silence. Great! I feel like I just went on a rollercoaster; just all the air in my body has been taken away from me. Well, I can’t waste his time like that can I? He is probably doing something important like I said, but that can’t be confirmed ‘cause I’m not there with him.  
"No."  
"Wu-Why?!?!"  
"I DON'T KNOW!"  
"What do you mean you 'don't know'."  
"I just don't know!"  
"I saaaaid 'Maa's doing a thing so I have to get out the house because she doesn't trust me so now I have to go to a friend's place and since we're best buds I thought I'd stay over at your house' you're a big dumpty numpty Numbskull."  
"You're a Numbskull!"  
"Answer my question!"  
"What question, you didn't ask a question?"  
"Duh of course I did. I said ‘Can I stay over?’ Of course, I asked it"  
"Yeah just then"  
"Well, I still said it didn't I!" I add. "Just answer it"  
"Hmph. Yeah alright"  
“Are you sure?”  
“Do you want me to change my mind?”  
“Nope! Just wanna confirm. I’m coming over tomorrow. Okay”  
“Hmph”

\---------------

School… yay? It’s alright, not the best, but I don’t even pay as much attention to it as volleyball. Volleyball. I have volleyball! Volleyball! It’s so cool it’s like… and then like… it’s just so. URMPH! I just wanna strangle a cat, volleyball’s so cool (maybe not that far but you know what I mean!) Just getting that ball over to the other side and knowing they can’t even receive your spike is the greatest feeling. Knowing that you can jump so high that the net’s not even a problem and it isn’t something you worry about anymore. Or that feeling of hitting the ball and the tingle that goes through your palm is amazing. I’m so short, however, I can jump really high and that’s so cool because I get to feel the ball and the way it spirals after you hit it, or toss it, or receive it. All the positions are so important and it is amazing to have a team that can be those with you. Guide you and stuff. It’s so cool! There are so many-  
“Hinata! Pay attention!” Ms Tetsua roars. “We have our finals coming up. Will staring out the window fill you with knowledge? I suggest you study before you get lost in this class.”  
“S-sorry miss” I sigh and look at the board. Shakespeare? I’ll look at it at home so it’s fine. Ms Tetsua is ‘that’ english teacher. She’s that teacher were nobody really has an impassive opinion on her. Nobody is just ‘fine’ with her. She only has 2 faces and one of them we rarely get to see… the nice one.

“Tut tut tut, I expected better. Especially from a 15 year old like you, Hinata. You have responsibilities when you are older, jobs to fulfil, lives to live. You can’t pay no heed or attention in this lesson whatsoever,” she rambles and in the corner of my eye I can see my friends shaking their heads. I messed up. Bad. She can go from a calm lecture to screaming down the whole school and blowing out every eardrum and window in spitting distance. “To think you are this old and you are about to be in your second year of high school and you behave like… like… barbarians,” that’s not what a barbarian is Ms. “GROW UP! ALL OF YOU GROW UP FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIVES! WE HAVE TESTS TO DO AND YOU ARE NOT MAKING IT ANY BETTER FOR YOURSELVES! IN FACT YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE BY BEING IMBECILES! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU STANDING IN THIS ROOM!” But Ms, we're all sitting down. Just try and block her out… it’ll be over soon. Volleyball is so near I can feel the tingle in my palms already. Just endure this... and try not to cry. Keyword is try. She’ll probably make me redo the whole lesson over volleyball because nobody tells her what she can and can’t do… it’s Ms-gosh darn- Tetsua and she’s worse than Maa. Comparing her to Maa is evil and not right.  
“Are you ignoring me?” she questions quietly which is a whole lot worse than her shouting and screaming and clearing desks with her brute force. It’s chilling to the core. She may look middle aged but some where is a beast that lusts on teenage terror and future psychological issues… it’s somewhere.  
“N-no” I know that’s not going to cut it but I can at least hope it will.  
“HINATA SHOUYOU ARE YOU IGNORING ME” Oh. Oh no. What have I done? What am I gonna do? Please, please, please don’t sacrifice me to the beast that drives your lust for blood. Please don’t.  
“N-no Ms Tet-... sua” I stammer. “Sorry Ms Tetsua...” She slams her palms on the desk, making the whole class hear the most unpleasant slap ever. To everyone in here… I’m terribly sorry because my eardrums burst too. And they can’t, and never will, function normally ever again.  
“YOU BET-” and there’s a light knock heard at the door.

“Excuse me. May I borrow some marking pens? Preferably green.” OH GOD YES! NO MORE SCREAMING! Phew. This teacher looks familiar... She’s that new English teacher and she’s actually a westerner. I think she’s from some place in Britain… Cambridge. A very fancy place I heard. Ms Tetsua takes a deep breathe in and looks over to the new English teacher. She looks nice and homely. Mousy brown hair, slightly frizzed and shoulder length, and light grey eyes. She might be taller than me but I never actually stood next to her so that’s debatable. She’s a nice teacher and really polite and has only been speaking Japanese for nearly a year. She still make simple mistakes with some of the words. She once called Ms Tetsua a lion (shishi) instead of a teacher (shi) but we all know it wasn’t by accident.  
“Aah Brianne, they’re on the cupboard bottom left,” she hums as… Brianne apparently, gets the green pens, barely holding them up. She nods in thanks and looks around the room curiously.

“Did I leave my coffee mug here or was it the other room?” her voice is so light and sweet. It's nice. After the lion's roar, even nails on a chalkboard sound pleasant.  
“Oh hoh hoh! You certainly didn’t leave it here Missy...” I don't even want to know the story behind that and I really don't need to.  
“...Goodbye Lioness Tetsua” she hums heartedly and shuffles shyly out the door. At least she forgot about the shouting.  
“That’s Miss Day, she’s a charming character when she’s not calling you a lion… as I was saying... around 1592 or 3 he was seen again in various documents and, thus, made an active career of theatrical performances for both Elizabeth I and James I. I would like it if you would all take either a textbook or anything else home to study over a period of time,” she drawls, sounding bored at her own sentence before even finishing it. You expect me not to get bored but you get bored yourself… this is discrimination! “Let’s just say I have some background info about the tests” she winks subtly and dismisses us with a little ‘shoo’.

\------------------

“Why are you late?” Kageyama asks, clearly offended by my appearance. I am too you good-looking, half-naked idiot. Since when was I late? I just got here and people are dressing so it’s fine.  
“I am?”  
“No you’re early. Very early” Oooooh I’m sorry.  
“Well it’s not my fault is it? I was let out early by my English teacher,” I roll my eyes at him. Early? Damn it! “See! Now you’ve got me saying early. You’re such a stupid… stupid face”  
“My face is not stupid!”  
“It is! You can’t even smile properly you... dingus!” Yeah you dingus! “Go put on a shirt”  
“Go put on a height”  
“That made no sense!”  
“Your face makes no sense”  
“I will kick you in the face”  
“If you can even reach”  
“I’m gonna do it and you can’t stop me. I’ll kick all the stupidness out of it… IF THAT’S EVEN POSSIBLE!”  
“I just caught the stupid” Tsukishima groans  
"Nobody asked you" we yell in unison. Tsukishima nobody asked you to be involved so get off your high horse and walk away. Just leave your horse and walk straight into Ms Tetsua's bloodthirsty monster of a mind.  
"You seem pretty close now" Suga smiles like the parent he is. Errrr... Pretty close? You what now?  
"He's still stupid. Why would I be close with someone like him?"  
"Oh here we go again" Daichi sighs, rubbing his temple.

\---------------

Thankfully, I don’t have Ms Tetsua again. I have Mr Himura, the eccentric maths teacher with the most amazing hair (and eyes (but not as amazing as Kageyama’s beautiful, blue eyes. Nothing compares to them. Nothing)). He makes learning really fun and exciting and is nothing compared to the teacher I had last lesson, Mrs Aki, because he has a really unique way of teaching, maths is enjoyable because of his weird sense of humour and eccentricities and I do alright in it (only when he teaches it.) When I try maths on my own I give up because he’s really helpful and is nice but Maa is very sarcastic and crass and feels the need to point out my errors and correct every little thing. Just because I don’t know my square numbers off by heart doesn’t mean you have to try not to laugh at me. She just doesn’t make it enjoyable (psst! I still love her though.) He jogs over to his desk and sits on it, sorting through the mess of papers.  
“Homework! Super simple! Going over ish and things and stuff ya feel? I felt like going extra easy on ya coz you’re my youngest class and you’re all so cute (especially you Hinata… especially you!) Do it at home! Do it at break! I don’t even care at least ya doin’ it!” he rambles incoherently and throws out the booklets. He starts aiming across the classroom and I hold out my hands lazily as he nears me with his pinpoint aim (not like Kageyama’s of course, duh.)  
“Catch!” he shouts way too loudly for even me and chucks it. This is the part where everything goes slow motion. Where that small booklet comes crashing down on me and I can't stop it because everything is moving so slowly that my arms don't even know what speed to move at. Prepare your nose for the worst paper cut in existence. Never have I thought that paper could hurt me this much. I have never experienced a papercut this severe. Being a fellow papercut survivor I know the pain, but this is too much to bare.  
“Ah! I’m sorry! Do you need to go to the concierge*?!” he jumps off the desk and right up to my face.  
“It’s fine, Mr Himura” I thumbs him up and he shakes his head, “No no no no. I WILL take you”  
“You don’t need to. It’s fine, it’s fine!”  
“... You’re bleeding…”  
“Uuuhhhh…” I poke the bridge of my nose and so much pain. So much pain. It stings so bad. A papercut of this size is only for war and even then is so sadistic that even Natsu (Satan’s reincarnate of course) would want it to tone down. How strong is his throw? How deep did it cut? It stings horribly, the tingle feels far too sharp to even be considered a papercut.  
“May I go to the bathroom?” I ask  
“You don’t even need to ask, lil champ,” he cheers patting my head. “Oh and don’t run. Ms Tetsua is shouty again.” And he shivers at the mention of her name. Even teachers are terrified of her. Miss Day must have been on her good side to be treated like that and call her a lion without even getting tortured by the overwhelming decibels of her (not-so) mighty roar.  
“After this is lunch right?”  
“Yep so hurry up now” he pats my back as I try not to sprint through the hallways. It’s hard alright. I always run through the hallways in my house and Maa has just grown so accustomed to it she keeps spare plasters [band aids] in the cabinets in case I trip and fall and get any other cuts to add to my ever growing collection. What? I have a lot of questionable cuts.

\---------------

The concierge and I are friends. Well, not officially, but she’s really nice to me. She’s a kind-hearted woman who smiles all the times. Her brown hair and her hazel doe eyes just… capture my heart (not like… you know what nope.) She looks homely and at peace with the room she’s always in. No, I’m serious, I don’t think I’ve seen her outside of this room. She spins around from her chair and smiles up at me.  
“Shouyou-kun, what happened to your nose?” she hums contentedly and tilts her head to the side questioningly.  
“I got a really bad paper cut and now it hurts really bad” I frown.  
“Aw. Well don’t frown okay, your face is too happy to be sad,” she sympathizes and rolls over to her filing cabinet. “Here. I’ll get you a plaster [band-aid]. But while I do, tell me, if you mind, how did you even get a papercut on your nose”  
“Oh er… I was in maths and Mr Himura had thrown some paper across the room. He throws really strong you know” I explain and sit on the bed. She slides herself towards me and puts the thin plaster [band-aid] on my nose.  
“There you go. You be careful now,” she gleams. “Oh and tell Mr Himura that he still owes me lunch”  
“Okay!” I beam and hop off the bed. “Goodbye, Miss.”  
“Oh, I keep telling you. Please call me Emi” she smirks and waves me off. I have a pretty good feeling about lunch.

\---------------

This tree is really special to me. The tree itself ain't even all that great; it's just an average tree, with leaves, a bark, and roots, situated somewhere in a field with one lonely bench that no one ever sits on. So why is it so special? I'll tell you why! It's because every lunch (for 5 weeks now) Kageyama and I have been eating there. And it's that tree that's so special because it's just us two, no teachers, no loud teammates, and, oddly enough, no arguments. It's really peaceful. Especially when he lays his head on his arm and sighs contently at nothing in particular. Yeah. It's peaceful at times. Especially when there is no talking, just admiring the scene in front of us. That field of daffodils and hydrangeas; they’re nice. I especially like the hydrangeas because they sometimes remind me of his blue eyes. That’s sweet. Not now, though. It's not hectic like before, but it's not too peaceful because it's too quiet. He keeps eyeing me at the corner of his eye and then turning away to eat his lunch like nothing happened; it's really annoying me.

"Could you stop looking at me like that? I don’t like it” I hum fiddling with my chopsticks.  
"Looking at you like what?" Don’t deny it. It’s really annoying actually. So stop it alright!  
"Just tell meeeeeeeeeeee!" he huffs and rolls his eyes at me. I poke his side and he grabs my finger. "Pleeeeaaaasee" I beg and give him my best puppy-dog eyes. My second to last resort.  
"You have a... cut" and my chest goes airy. What? It's just a cut so I shouldn't be reacting that way about it.  
"That?" I ask and tilt my head to the side.  
"Well I told you!" he miffs, lips twitching into Homicidal Frown #1. I don’t know what happened or how it did, but I find his glares and frowns less of a biggy than before. I think a human can only take up so much mortal terror in such a short time. I kinda find his frowns funny to be honest. Or endearing.

“I got it from my Maths teacher. He likes throwing paper… my nose does not” I accentuate as I point to my nose. He looks over curiously at my nose and I wiggle my eyebrows. Why? I don’t know! But I can so I did. He rolls his eyes at me, mumbling something about being concerned and worried for no reason. It’s nice having him worried about me. He thinks about me, he likes me to the point of getting worried about my well-being. Gwah! That’s so cool! But I have to keep calm… I can’t get too excited over something as miniscule as that. He probably cares about his other teammates just as much… Yeah. Just calm yourself down it wasn’t that big of a deal.  
“Does it hurt?” he adds and my epiphany was nothing. Nada. Zilch. My chest gets a slight airy feeling and my stomach flutters. Nice.  
“Not a lot actually. It hurts when I touch it, even through the plaster [band aid]” I mutter and he nods his head and looks at me with a hint of worry. Oh no don’t pull that face please don’t pull that face at me. I want you to be worried, because it feels really nice and makes my heart do a thing, but I don’t want you to be worried because your face is too much for me to bear. I can’t handle this much emotion!

“Is there anything I can do?”  
“Well n-”  
“Do you want me to kiss it better?”  
“What?”  
“Nothing” and he turns away from me and stares holes into the bench. I heard you alright! Don’t hide it from me because I know you said it. But why? Why would you say something like that? It’s not weird it was just unexpected. It’s… embarrassing actually. I don’t know how to react to what you just said. It’s kinda weird to say but I want you to. It’d feel nice. Really nice actually. I’d like that… yeah.

“Do it then”  
“Huh?” his eyes visibly pop out of his sockets. “You realize it was a joke”  
“I still want you to do it. It might help” I mumble and play with my fingers.  
“No”  
“Pleeeeaaaaseeeeee!” I wrap my arms around him and whip out the eyes for extra measure. I snuggle into him and rest my head on his shoulder, my eyes intensify and so does his glare. I squeeze around his waist for good measure. He forces me off and grabs my shoulder with so much force I think it’s dislocated. Well then... He glares at me and I feel like he’s trying to melt my eyes with his own. How much eye contact until marriage? Like 2.  
“Shut up” I wasn’t even talking in the first place. His eyes slip closed and he inches in towards me. He has a really nice face once you look at it closely. His nose is also slightly crooked as well if you look closely enough too. Nice face. Lovely face. Just looking at it makes my chest airy and my heart drift. Inching in gradually, his nose presses right above the bridge of my nose as his soft lips press on my plaster [band-aid]. Of course, I can’t feel it. He pulls away instantly and stops looking me, face turning red. Uwah! So cute! He’s doing that thing. That thing when he has real people emotions. It’s so cute!

“Don’t stare like that” he mutters and resting his cheek on the palm of his hand.  
“Do it again!” I urge. “Do it again but without you poking me with your nose” and I shake his arm. He swivels around to face me and sighs lightly. He pecks below my covered cut and his nose bopping my eyelid. His lips are really soft. I can still feel them even though they’re not there anymore.  
“Gwah! That was good! Do it again!” I beam up at him and he looks around warily. He leans in and presses his lips below my covered cut again and again, peppering it with kisses before pulling back. He’s not even kissing it better. He’s just kissing me… I love it. Those soft, pink lips feel really good on me; even if they’re not actually on mine (but I’ll take whatever I can get!) He feels like a warm bath after having a rigorous session of volleyball; comforting. I love that feeling! It’s like being on the volleyball court… but better. When his lips touch the bridge of my nose it feels magical, like fireworks on Bonfire Night [or July 4th] and it makes my chest feel tight yet really fluttery. I like it. I like that feeling. I want more.

“Once more” and he gives the bridge of my nose a little peck, barely even grazing my skin. Is that it?  
“That’s not how you do it” I puff and cross my arms.  
“Oh, so you’re better?”  
“Well, yeah, duh” I add condescendingly.  
“Prove it.” Oh, I will prove it, Kageyama.  
"Look over there then"  
"What's that-" and I press my lips on his cheek. His face is surprisingly soft and I want to kiss more. I press into him more and his face heats up. That's endearing. I pull back and smirk up at him.  
“See, that’s how you do it” I laugh and push his shoulder playfully. He huffs and goes to wipe his cheek and now my chest feels airy and dreamy.

Well I should eat my lunch now… darn green vegetables. They’re disgusting. I try to like them, I really do, but the fact that they exist is enough to make me not like them. They taste awful. I can’t have them. Nope. I push my box away from me and cup my face, leaning on my palms. Sighing, I glance over at him and he’s putting his lunch away. I envy your stomach. It’s like all food just passes through it and doesn’t even affect him. It’s creepy. After packing some stuff away he hums and rests on his arm. Now, there’s a thin, thin line on where a comfortable silence is and an awkward silence is and I think we sprinted straight past the biome of comforting silences we had last lunch or any other lunch before this.

Usually, lunches would be silent yet enjoyable; nobody would talk but that was the best thing about it. Well now it’s not. Definitely not. I think it was that kissing thing. Yeah probably. I like being close to him. It makes my heart go fluttery and floaty; it’s a nice feeling. This, however, is not a nice feeling. There is... tension, I can practically taste it. Tastes like disappointment. I dunno what to do though. Huh. Guess I can't do a thing. How many minutes until practice, like 5, I could get some sleep in or something.

"I'm gonna sleep" I announce and he hums. After packing up my lunch box, I set my bag on the table and rest my head on his lap.  
"What are you doing?!"  
"Ssshhhh, I'm tryna sleep" I whisper and turn to face towards him. He looks down at me and has a nice facial expression. I think that's his not-frowning face. I slip my eyes closed and I feel a finger touch my nose.  
"You had something on your nose" he murmurs and leans on the bench's table. My eyes slip closed and moments pass. Moments pass and he falls asleep with me. The feeling of him shifting underneath me feels comforting. Everything feels nice when it's with him. I don't know how it turned out like this, or how I come to terms with it so quickly, but it's nice. I like Kageyama the most. I like Kageyama the most and I'm fine with it. I've just always liked him I think. I guess hanging around someone so much is gonna make you like them, it makes sense. Yeah. That means he likes me too. I like that idea and I'm sticking to it. That's strangely comforting.

The feeling of big palms and long fingers brush through my hair. That feels so nice. The pads of his fingers brush against the itch I never knew I had in the first place and it feels really good. I lean into his fingers and it feels so nice having them comb through my hair. I don't know how to describe it. It's like running in an open field of long grass; it tickles, but in all of the right places, and it feels like some sort of magical experience. It's comforting. I gradually open one eye and see him looking at me contently.  
"You know about the cut so stop staring like that" I groggle.  
"IIIIII wasn't staring" he retorts extending the 'I'.  
"Joking!" I giggle, snorting childlishly. He cracks a slight smile and pinches my nose. "Why'd y'do that?"  
"I wanted to stop you breathing" he drawls tiredly. Uuuuuum. "Joking." Right.  
His sleeping face is pretty; peaceful, gentle, and everything else I thought he couldn’t be (because let’s be honest… Kageyama.) I don’t know when, but I’m starting to think that I always liked him. I dunno but something about him just kinda… drawn me in. Maybe because it was because he was better than me (that hurt to think about), or because he was just different somehow. Like he has another aura from everyone else. It was strange. It still is. I think that, the more time I spend with him; the more I like him. And the more time I spend with him the more weird little things I realize that he does. Like, I didn’t even know that he always licks his lips before putting anything in his mouth. Or that his ears and nose turn red when he lies. Or the way he licks his fingers right after eating a bag of… That’s enough for one day! It’s just that I like him so much. Yeah. I like Kageyama the most. The mostest ever. Yeah. Yeah! The feeling of long fingers and his rough palms drive through my hair and scratch at ‘that’ itch.

“You have something in your hair” he mumbles and strokes through my hair. It feels so good. I think I’m back to that field again. His fingers glide across my scalp and it feels funny. His long fingers brush through the knots in my hair and he scoffs,  
“Do you even know how to use a brush?” Eh what? Well. You stupid.  
“Isn’t that thing in my hair gone?” I tease and he huffs.  
“Not yet.” That’s good. Hmm. Yeah. I think I could go the whole lunch like this.

\----------------

So, apparently, we were 5 minutes late for practice (even though we were actually 4 minutes late but Ukai insisted it was 5.) Do you know what that means? 5 whole laps around the school. Why? Well whyyyyyy not! Why not pour salt into the wound? Everywhere hurts. Nothing feels nice. Nothing feels comfortable. Life is utter and total pain. Why would a mortal man put me through this pain? I’m a nice person, I’m sure I didn’t deserve any of this, so why did I need to be punished for sins far more worse than this? Walking is a chore. That’s fun. Especially now because I need to ride my bike home. If I can find it. This is probably the worst day I’ve had in a while and I feel so utterly bitter about it. 5 laps, no bike, and staying over at Kageyama’s... why did I forget I was going to Kageyama’s? That’s not even a bad thing either, to be honest. I don’t even want to think about that in detail. I know today’s been a long day but to forget something like that is a stupid. A very stupid. I’m a big numpty. Talking about numpties, I’ve got one standing in front of me right now. Kageyama. He decided it would be a great idea to see who could run a lap the fastest. I don’t even need to say who won. It was him (no it was obviously me don’t listen to that I never said that shut up I’m sorry.) I feel like, every time I admit defeat to him, an angel dies and it’s truly harrowing. Heaven must be missing a few angels. Not too many though. Maybe around 1 or 2… 1 and a half?

“What are you mumbling about now?” he groans as he stretches out one arm in front of him. I was mumbling? That’s bad. Especially now because I was thinking of other things. Well he didn’t hear it so it didn’t happen. It's a secret between us!  
“I’m tired Kageyamaaaaaaaaaa,” I whine and lean into him. “Carry me”  
“No”  
“You say no but what you mean to say is yes.”  
“N-O spells no.”  
“You can spell” Tsukishima adds as harshly as ever. Woah woah woah WOAH! Excuse me?! I didn’t even ask for your existence!  
“Shut up!” we yell because that is, and it can be confirmed, the only thing we can agree on. Tsukishima is a great big meanie and it’s universally known.  
“If you carry me you can have my whole meatbun.”  
“All of it?” he contemplates clearly weighing out its pros and cons.  
“Well I was gonna say one bite but your ‘one bite’s are massive so you might as well have the whole thing” I babble and he gives my hair the most aggressive tug fathomable. What! It's true though!  
“Well… get on” he adds crudely and my chest goes slightly airy. I get to go on his back! Hold up. That quickly? He agreed that quickly? Usually he’d roar the whole of Japan down but now he’s oddly pliant. Huh? Well… I’m cool with it. After seeing the school so many times in one day you kinda go a little delirious. It’s like Ukai wanted this.  
“Thank yoooouuuuuu” I smirk lazily and climb onto his back. He grips me lazily and I kinda just sink into his back, resting my head on his shoulder. It's welcoming, warm and so inviting (and also kinda sweaty). I'm surprised he can even lift me but it's great so I'm not complaining. I should just go to sleep. His big hands are comforting in a way that's hard to... explain I guess. It's almost secure in a way. Knowing that his hand is there to stop me from falling is really nice to think about. I like that. I like his hands a lot.  
"Hey Kageyama" I whisper and turn my head to look at him. Er. What was I even gonna say again?  
"Hm?" he turns his head to look at me. I love his deep, blue eyes. I love his not-frowning face, it's so peaceful and handsome. Gah! I’m getting off-track.  
"Nothing" I reply and rest my chin on his shoulder. He looks at me confusedly and rips his gaze away from me. I see. You can't take your eyes off me. Same Kageyama. Same.  
"What are you laughing at?" he huffs.  
“Sshhh, it’s nothing” I whisper and press my finger onto his lips and the feeling of his slightly- out tongue pokes at my finger. That’s a cute habit. So not only is it putting things in his mouth, but anything around it. Guh! My heart just did a loop! Loop-de-loop.  
“Get off” and he lets go of my legs.  
“Fine then” I pout and slide off his back.

\---------------

“See ya!” Nishinoya shouts and fist-bumps me in farewell.  
“Goodbye Noya-senpai!” I shout and give him a giant wave back. Their faces when I say it is so funny (and it helps a ton if you want to get anything *cough* *cough* volleyball related things.) They are practically inseparable. Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Kageyama grabs my wrist and oh. It’s a little too tight but it feels really soothing somehow. His hands just do something to me. That and his eyes, ugh!  
“Stay safe!” Daichi shouts.  
“Don’t stay up late” Suga beams as bright as the sun.  
“Don’t drink underage” Asahi adds. Oh. Okay? Is that your message to us? At least you tried Asahi, you really did. Not only that but he sounds like he has some unknown experiences with that as well. That is worrying.

Incoming terror alert! As soon as Tsukishima even opens his mouth Asahi is walking away from the group. Huh? Tsukishima adds some snarky comment and the look of sheer horror on Suga’s face is almost comical. Daichi has this look of worry, concern, disgust, and utter confusion. And Asahi just left. It’s like he knew what was going to be said, way before it even happened, and just walked away. What even happened to get that sort of reaction? I’m slightly worried about what just happened but Kageyama seems to be walking a lot faster than usual. Eh? So he knows but I don’t. That is not fair!

“I don’t know what happened either” he mind-reads and turns back slightly.  
“What do you think he said?” I ask and he ponders it for a while, stopping just to collect his thoughts. Well his hand isn’t around my wrist anymore. I don’t know whether to be disappointed or ecstatic.  
“Do you really want to know that?” and he stares me dead in the eye.  
“Yeah… I guess so” I mumble and rub my wrist. It doesn’t hurt but I want him to feel guilty about grabbing my wrist like that. You li’l numpty.  
“It didn’t even hurt that much” he puffs, crossing his arms.  
“Yes it did!” You don’t know my non-existent pain, Kageyama. “You can’t just hurt people and get away with it. That’s bad!” I scold, with only a hint of playfulness. What? He needs a life lesson. He rolls his eyes and huffs childishly, “Right. I’m sorry then”  
“What?!”  
“Nothing”  
“I was kidding,” I punch his shoulder jokingly and he fixes the sleeve of his jumper [sweater]. “I can’t believe you actually said sorry though… it’s like a miracle or something”  
“You can’t just hurt people and get away with it. That’s very bad” he mimics, raising his voice a couple of octaves.  
“That’s not what I sound like!” I scold, shaking my head sagely. “And I didn’t add the very for your information.”

The walk is uneventful, yet in a good way. Nice and silent; just like lunch. Most times I would start a conversation (just to fill in the blanks y’know) and I’d learn some pretty cool stuff about him. Did you even know that he ‘accidently’ stole a knee pad. Just one. That’s just stupid. What are you even going to with one knee pad? The worst thing I ever stole was a pen and I felt guilty about it instantly. I still haven’t returned it. Oh and I didn’t know that Kageyama lived near a pond. That’s cool! Ponds are lovely places to be; they’re peaceful and have amazing scenery. Especially the one he lives next to. That is very important information. My thoughts are hindered by his pinky finger sliding into mine and wrapping around it comfortably. I let out a content sigh and my heart just… starts flying. It gets all airy and his finger just fits into mine perfectly. It’s pretty neat.  
“You’d probably get ran over” he explains as his face heats up. He wriggles his pinky away and I wrap around it tightly.  
“Yeah Kageyama! Don’t forget to look left and right before crossing the street” I chide playfully and he wiggles his finger tightly around mine. His finger fits around mine snugly and his breathing and presence just soothes me somehow. We just kinda… fit together and it feels just right. It feels amazing. It feels perfect. The rest of the walk home was even better than before. Engaging conversations, slightly faster walking, and lots and lots of pinky holding. And it seems like half an hour turned to 5 minutes or even less. I didn’t even know that he could be a normal, acceptable human being for more than 10 seconds let alone hold hands (fingers) with me (but let’s not jinx it!) His pinky slips out of mine and it feels empty and cold. He starts rubbing his pinky to recreate the warmth that we had (that sounds really cheesy now that I repeat that in my head) and I find myself doing the same. What? He seems to have the right idea.

“I’m going upstairs” he adds.  
“You haven’t even opened the door”  
“Yeah, well, shut up” he stumbles and fumbles about with his keys. Mad rhymes man. The door opens and I’m greeted to an empty living room. We wander in and take off our shoes.  
“Sorry for intruding” I add.  
“Nobody’s even home” and he rolls his eyes with so much sass. Ooh sorry.  
“It’s polite, something you wouldn’t know” I pout petulantly and he leaves to go upstairs. His house is homely. Warmth just radiates around the room and it look lived-in (that’s a nice way of saying slightly dishevelled) it’s got an enchanting aroma to it. I close the door behind me before I walk up the stairs.

“Which room are you in?!” I shout and I hear some shuffling.  
“In here,” he replies. Good I was right outside of it. I grab the doorknob and twist, leaning into it slightly. “But don-” Too late I’m in your room now. His shirt is lifted up over his head and his chest is just… yes. Why does his chest look like that but mine looks like this? His chest is all muscular and amazing and stuff and mine is just… bland. That is unfair.  
“Are you hard of hearing?”  
“Well you didn’t finish your sentence soooo…”  
“‘Cause you didn’t let me”  
“Well… yeah but,” Think of an excuse... “We always change in practice, what’s the problem”  
“Hmph” he grumbles and finally pulls his shirt off (what? I’m not desperate or anything!) I am clearly right I don’t know what you’re getting in a tizzy about. I take off my shirt and he turns around. This is probably the only time he’s ever been polite but it’s annoying me. Like, look at me, I’m pretty awesome. Ain’t nothing wrong with a bit of Shouyou in your life, amirite? That’s probably the worst thing I’ve ever said or thought of. I take off my pants and lie back on the bed.  
“Done?”  
“Yep” and I pop the ‘p’ just to accentuate the fact that I’m hella done (no I’m not but I literally can’t sleep in pajamas today. Not after that.) He turns around then turns back again. I can see that unnecessarily cute face you're making. Stop it.  
“Put on a shirt” he orders. No you little bossy pants.  
“But I’m hooooooooooooot” I whine and extend the ‘o’ just to make sure he heard me.  
“Well... wear my shirt then" What? Your shirt. Now that you propose it like that, I’d love to put on a shirt and sniff it like the utter creep I am.  
"Alright then" by that I mean yes and that, in no way, sounded sarcastic whatsoever. What are you even talking about? Sarcasm. Never heard of it. What a strange concept.  
"I'm gonna get a smaller shirt. Stay here and don't do anything weird" he says and gets up.  
“Aye aye cap’n” I salute and sit up on the bed. He squints his eyes at me and leaves the room. Only three people in this room now. Just me, myself and I. The strange thing about his room is surprisingly barren. I expected him to have a wild collection of volleyballs and posters of Japan’s national team… but he doesn’t. It’s just plain walls, a wardrobe, a bed and a ball. There’s not much else to it I guess. No extravagant colour, no stains, no teasing material. Nothing. I bet he’s some sort of clean freak because, to be honest, everything seems in order. No I’m serious. Nothing seems to be out of line (except for his manners.) The clothes in his wardrobe seem to be perfectly lined up, all his belongings are in set tiers in his bedside cabinet. It’s strange compared to the clustered ball of ‘that doesn’t belong there’ that is my room. I think his room is what you call ‘clean’. Freaky... It’s weird. I don’t like the way there’s nothing under his bed; everyone hides something under their bed. The one thing I hide is my PSP. Natsu likes getting her little hands on my things so I hide more stuff under there. It seems stupid but she never actually suspects any of it.  
“What are you doing?” he seethes. Well I’m sorry I didn’t know looking around was illegal. Your room seems oddly enticing in a ‘I probably shouldn’t be doing this’ sorta way. I do have some questions to ask though...  
“Why is your room so weird?” I ask and sit back up on the bed. This room is like a desert; barren and desolate, not a single soul in sight. Is that comforting or weird? Weird. Definitely.  
“I think the word you’re looking for is tidy” he retorts and lets the futon drop to the floor with a resounding thud. He tosses a thing and a white shirt lands on my head. How loud was that futon? I have heard enough slaps, thuds and other noises thank you very much, I don't need to hear more. Why Ms Tetsua? Why? Gradually, he moves over and sits next to me, shoulder rubbing and all, and my lips kinda twitch for no reason.  
"You're a weirdo" I mumble and lift his shirt up to my nose, taking a big sniff. Mmmmm. Chamomile. Smells like Kageyama himself.  
“I’m a weirdo? You’re sniffing my shirt”  
“Well it might be dirty” I huff and maneuver my way into his (heart) shirt. It's spacious and droopy in every place. Is that good or bad? Not in all the wrong places - but not the right either - just in a place. In a strange, ambiguous place.  
"Go to bed. You're tired" he orders. I'm not tired. My eyes are just droopy. There's a difference. He scoffs and pushes me off the bed. Gee. Thanks! Tumbling, I land head first on the cushiony mattress. At least I didn't hit the floor. That’s a plus. That’s a plus? That’s a plus.  
"And who's fault is that?" I include snidely and he hesitates for a moment. I went there. Mmhmm. Oh yeah. How does that burn feel Kageyama? Does it scald? He lies down - clearly thinking about that sick burn - and exhales sharply.  
"...Sorry." What? He whips around, leaving little to no explanation. Eh? You don't say a thing so unKageyama-y and turn away. That's, like, illegal. Whatever. He's a loser anyway.

I got my droopy eyes to take care of. Not tiredness. Droopy-eyed syndrome. That can only be cured by sleep. Snuggling in, I pull the blanket over my head and as soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm asleep. This futon isn't as comfy as my bed, but I'll take it. It's a great futon actually, the bedspread is a homely floral pattern, the mattress is cushiony soft, and the pillow is extra thick as well so your head just... sinks in slowly. Those pillows are the best types and I will fight if you don't agree. Pillows like this are the greatest, it's like the one I have at home actually. The whole futon has that sinky feeling to it. It's neat. Pillows like this elicit amazing dreams and even better fantasies.

Fantasies of big, rough hands. Fantasies of black, silky hair. Fantasies of a certain shade of blue. Fantasies of scowls and glares. And fantasies of a smooth, sultry voice that get me... kinda aroused. Oh, don't tell me I'm hard. I literally just shut my eyes and I think of things like this. Maybe if I shut my eyes even tighter it'll go away and I can sleep in peace. Yeah. Seems right. I squeeze my eyes shut and it gets even worse. At first it was what we did today but in way more detail. The feeling of his hands through my hair, when his finger touched my nose, and his strong thighs underneath my head. Then my imagination went wild... then my imagination went wild. It was his palms on my face as he kisses me, makes out with me, hot and searing with a passion I know won't exist. Lips, tongue, teeth, everything. The way his hard chest felt under my fingertips. Or the feeling of his hands all over me. It was the orgasmic faces he made when I touched him. It was the way he moaned and wriggled and panted for more. It was something I knew I couldn't have. But something that felt so right. Like the direction, my hand was going. I knew it was so so SO wrong, but it felt right. Ah, shit. Fuck, I just swore. Damn it. I always swear when I’m like this. The bad - nope - the worst thing about it is that he’s right there. And he can hear me. And he knows what I’m doing. I cover my mouth loosely and it’s only then do I start realizing that I’m drooling. Fuck. Every time this always happens and I don’t do a thing about it. I feel like shit about it, but I just can’t seem to stop myself. It feels so fucking good. Maybe if I wish it away I wouldn’t like him so much. Yeah… Or maybe if he wasn’t so fucking ‘guh’. Don’t have a nice face and maybe I won’t like you so much you shit. With your rough hands. And your endearing scowl... and your amazing, blue eyes. Did I just…? Yes. Yes, I did. Shit. Ah! Don’t swear! Uuuuhhhhhhh… I should probably get cleaned up then. I feel pretty bad to be honest. Nevermind. I don’t think sleeping people can even hear things so at least I have that going for me. I hope.

\---------------

“Hey Kageyama” I murmur.  
“What?!” What’s with that outburst? “... Sorry.” he murmurs. Did he apologize? That’s sweet. “Don’t get the wrong idea, you IDIOT!” Okay I don’t know what’s going on here.  
“Aaaaaanywaaaaay,” I mumble. “There’s a volleyball match on. Wanna watch it?”  
“Yeah”  
“You okay?” I ask and fumble with the remote.  
“...Yeah.” Riiiiiiiight.  
“No, you’re not. What’s up?” I push and gaze into his eyes. He has amazing eyes.  
“Nothing. Leave me alone” he huffs.  
“No really. You look kinda tired today and a little bit grumpier too. Is there aaaanything I can do?” I ask and turn to face him properly. He looks tired and really annoyed about something.  
“I just… I haven’t slept at all” he sighs and drives his big hand through his soft, black hair. Why couldn't he sleep? What happened? Was it me?  
“Is it my fault? I kinda talk in my sleep. If it is I’m so-”  
“No!” he interrupts. “I mean no… no, it’s not. Why did you even blame yourself first? Why do you even care” He’s right. But… he’s so wrong. I rest my hand on his thighs and he snaps his gaze to it. Is this just an excuse to get closer to him?  
“Well, I care a lot Kageyama, alright. I don’t-,” I state. I don’t what? What don't I want? “I don’t want you to get hurt. So you sleep, okay.”  
“Yeah whatever” he frowns but his face is the complete opposite. Flushed and caring. “Why’d you do that?” Damned if I knew Kageyama. I don't even know why I do half the things I do! But, I do them because it feels good to do. Like right now. Putting my head on your shoulder makes me feel all warm inside. It makes me feel good in a way I don't know how to explain. Like how I keep rubbing your shoulder. Or how you're letting me all this. I should probably stop. He feels extra warm, though... nah. Just leave it.  
“Are we gonna start watching that match?” I giggle and take my hand off his cheek to find the remote.

I squeeze his hand for good measure and he splutters. Let's just not go there anymore. Let's not get off road any longer. The match. Don't forget volleyball! The channel was 72, right? Yeah. I push the button 7.  
“Are you sure that’s the channel?” he asks and leans his head back on the couch, shutting his eyes tightly. If only I knew what he was thinking about.  
“Uuuuhhh… I think so” I mumble and push in the number 2 and enter. That was probably the worst thing I’ve ever done or ever do. I don't deserve this. As soon as the channel changes boisterous, fake moans bounce off the wall and loud, hard slaps ring in my ears. Oh, God. Oh God. OH GOD! Why did I do that? WHY?! That poor woman looks and sounds in pain. That man sounds and looks like a monster you’d find under your bed, hunched over and grunting horrifically. That woman… That poor woman. She’s so pretty, why this? Black hair, blue eyes, a pretty face and you chose this? Why? Tell him to stop. Make it stop!  
“GET IT OFF NOW!” Kageyama roars and I clench my hand to find that I had dropped the remote. Glancing down, I see the remote and inch my hand towards it and he grabs the remote at the same time. Resulting in me getting my hand grabbed by him. Hands. His big, rough hands. Shut up head this is not the time to be thinking of these things. I look up at him and his eyes glare down at me, scowl and blush intensifying. Eyes. His bright, blue eyes. I should stop that. Focus on the matter at hand. The noises. Oh, Lord, they're never-ending. Like the pain experienced after this abomination. This woman is so innocent, young, and this is what she does. Why? Oh Lord why?  
“I’m sorry Kageyama! I’m so so sorry” I cry and try to wriggle my hand away from his vice-like grip on mine. It feels good to have his hand on mine, but not when it's squeezing the life out of my pores. He turns the TV off and gradually lets go of my hand.  
“Maybe we shouldn’t watch it then,” I giggle nervously and he rolls his eyes. Okay, I should be terrified after that experience but... Kageyama's anger just took all the nightmare fuel out of it. It's comforting to have him get angry over the smallest of things... okay, maybe that wasn't a small thing but it was good to have him here or I would've gotten nightmares. “Oh and Maa said that we should hang out. She has this cool friend… Well I haven’t met her but I know that she’s awesome to be best friends with Maa”  
“Time?”  
“Oh. Half past 7” I hum and check the time. Er whoops. “It’s, eeerrrrrr, practically 7 right now”  
“Can we get there in 30 minutes?” he asks.  
“Yeah sure don’t worry” I myself am very worried.

\---------------

We practically jumped into our clothes and ran but still arrived 5 minutes late. I even saw a woman look at us weird when he grabbed my hand and practically dragged me along. All that effort and we were still 5 minutes late.  
“We weren’t late Maa. We were always here!” I beam and sit Kageyama and I down on a bamboo bench. This ramen shop is quaint and Japanese-esque (in Maa’s words) with bamboo furniture. This place is Paa’s favourite, he’s best friends with the owner so I can just come in and eat whatever. The owner’s Mr Hideki (awesome guy) but I haven’t been here in a while. It’s still the same from the last time I came here which was… a couple of months ago. These sturdy and cute bamboo chairs that are either really mistreated or just lost forever, never to be seen again. A thatched floor with the same holes from three months ago and a picture of a really outdated Japanese drama that only Mr Hideki would know… only him.  
“Beautiful isn’t it,” Maa sighs. “Our orders are about to come in. I already ordered for you two so don’t worry”  
“Whatcha get?” I gleam and sit on the pillow. These pillows are made of heaven. Butt Valhalla.  
“Oh tamago kake gohan for my little baby Shouyou and miso foooor…” says Maa as she extends the ‘o’.  
“Kageyama Tobio” he adds and she smirks devilishly. I don’t like ‘that’ smirk.  
“Okay Kageyama-kun. I also put some pork in, if you don’t mind. Everyone likes pork, but you might be allergic” and she smiles lazily. Yeah, everyone likes pork (especially a certain someone.)  
“Oh no it’s fine” he waves his hands dismissively. The front door creaks open and Maa’s face brightens up as a woman walks into the room.  
“Yoo-hoo” the woman beams as she closes the door behind her. She looks really pretty; nice face, soft, black hair, and sleek, blue eyes. Did I mention how much I love blue eyes? Or eyes in general. Because now it seems like a great time to add it. And black hair. Even better.  
“Ah Shouyou, Kageyama-kun, this is Kobayashi Akanezuki” Maa gleams at us. Kobayashi settles down next to us and laughs.  
“Hello Kobayashi! I’m Shouyou” I beam at her.  
“I’m Kageyama Tobio”  
“Oh Shou-chan, Tobi-chan, call me Akanezuki or just Akane” she chuckles. Tobi-chan? Shou-chan? Cute. Hey, wait. Doesn’t she look like that woman?  
“She looks like that person from the TV” Kageyama mumbles and I nod, tilting my head to get a better look at her. Akane giggles and Maa just gasps. She looks a mixture of worried and disgusted. What? Okay? Anywaaaaaaaayyyy… The door to our left creaks open and Mr. Hideki lumbers in. Yay! He’s around 190 so he has a lot of knee problems, especially for a guy in his late 30s or early 40s. He has dark brown hair and a comforting smile. Oh and I really like his eyes because they’re amber and that’s actually pretty rare. Amber eyes are cool.  
“Hello Shouyou! Who’s your friend?” he smirks. “If you mind me asking”  
“Kageyama Tobio” Kageyama answers and Mr Hideki nods in acknowledgement. After settles the tray on our table, he shares a coy smile with Kageyama.  
“Where’s my sweet, sweet child Natsu?” Akane grins and Mr Hideki looks behind warily.  
“She’s in the bathroom, eeeerrr…”  
“Akane” she answers cheerily and takes her bowl. If only I could eat every bowl on that tray. Some dreams will come true someday.  
“Thanks for the food!” I gleam and take my own bowl. Kageyama nods and takes his. Is it just now but I've seemed to notice his apparent bed head? I mean my hair is pretty messy but his is always straight and now it's not and it's annoying me.  
"Hey, Kageyama, look over here." This can't be overlooked. It's not right.  
"What?" And he whips around to face me.  
"Your hair's kinda messy. Bed head" I tease and he lowers his head for me. I flatten his unruly locks yet they still annoy me. They're sticking everywhere and it just ain't right. I've got to make sure that every strand is down. So come on problem strand just stay down. Could you not?  
"Get off my hair" he miffs.  
"Yeah not yet" I take the strand and press it down. YES! Now stay down. Good. Now I can eat in peace.

Tamago is perfect. Especially Mr Hideki's. Every grain of rice is bliss and you can just taste the effort in it. They’re, like, extra yummy if you get my drift. Like, you put in your mouth and it just... ‘swoosh’. No? Okay. Well, it’s delicious either way. This is just a masterpiece that deserves to be placed right next to the Mona Lisa. How much rice can you eat before it gets bland because I don’t think it will ever happen. My intense rice eating session is stopped by small, padding feet. Natsu.  
“Hi, aniki!” Natsu glows. “Who’s that person? He looks scary”  
“Natsu don’t be rude,” Maa chides. “That’s... Shouyou’s friend. Kageyama Tobio” and Kageyama does a little wave to her. She stares at him, eyes squinted with suspicion and takes a look at him. He looks around and backs off slightly.  
“Yeah Natsu don’t be rude” I joke, but I’m greeted with silence. Heh, whoops. Maybe a beat too late. She keeps staring at him, eyes squinting a little tighter to get him extra creeped out. Then, she beams at him.  
“Hi, Tobio-niisan. My name is Natsu! Treat aniki well okay” she smiles and holds out her hand. Kageyama grabs her hand and it looks tiny in comparison. She shakes his hand vigorously and he has a soft expression on his face. Wait. Treat aniki well? Since when did I turn into a glass vase.  
“Natsu-ko c’mere. I got leftover food.” Akane smiles at Natsu. “So tell me about yourself, Shouyou” she drawls with a slightly… sly air to it. This took a dark turn and Maa can sense it.  
“Um… my favourite colour is orange and I like tamago” I mumble and suck on my chopstick. Every bit of flavour makes my funny do a tummy.  
“Orange is a nice colour,” she smiles and pets Natsu’s hair as she eats her leftover ramen. “So what’s your favourite sport?” and Maa groans at that sentence alone.  
“I love volleyball,” I giggle. “It’s really cool. Like, reeeeally cool”  
“Oh volleyball I love that game. Nagisa and I used to play a lot back in college. That sport is just… on point” she chuckles and leans over the table, completely ignoring Maa and her shaking head and darted eyes.  
“Maa used to play volleyball? That’s so cool! Gwah!”  
“Ah Shouyou you’re so cute!” she giggles. “What position do you play?” and Kageyama rests his head in his palm, looking at my lips lazily.  
“I’m middle blocker but, I don’t do much blocking. I don’t really like defence all that much to be honest so I do a lot of attacking” and Kageyama merely smirks. How long has he been looking at me like that? All lazy and slightly content. What even happened?  
"You have rice near your mouth" he announces and picks the grain of my cheek. He glances at it and eats it.  
"Why would you do that?" You could have just put it on a napkin  
"You like it so I wanted to try it" he hums  
"You could've just asked" I huff. "Here. Let's swap!" And I switch bowls with him. I can't have his chopsticks though. He could have cooties or something.  
"Can I-" and he just starts munching away. "Nevermind"  
“So Kageyama. What position do you play?” Maa, surprisingly, asks, continuing the conversation.  
“Huh? Oh er… Setter” he stumbles as his head shoots up.  
“Yeah. He’s freakishly alright.” Because my body just rejects saying he’s good at anything, even if he really is.  
“‘Freakishly alright’? Is that it?” he seethes.  
“Alright alright. You’re good or whatever” I huff and roll my eyes at him. His face reddens and he pushes the rice in my (?) his bowl. Natsu whispers something to Akane and she shrugs.  
“Akane please” Maa begs and holds her arm.  
“It’s important,” Akane replies with malicious intent rivalled by Natsu herself. “Soooo… Kageyama. Do you like Shou-chan?”  
“Why would I like someone like that?!” he instantly retorts, blushing profusely, almost banging the table. Did she actually ask that question? Her and Natsu are up to no good when they’re together. Nope. She definitely doesn’t even mean that. I should get my mind out of the gutter. It could mean that though. Maybe I've just have a weird brain. Maybe...  
“Answer truthfully now Tobi-chan. Do you like Shouyou?” she banters. That certainly seems like... no. It shouldn't seem like that cause it's not like that you silly goose.  
“... N-no” he blushes and his cheeks are redder than they’ve ever been before and I’ve seen him play volleyball. It doesn't mean what I think it means. But what if it does. But it can't right  
“Come ooooooon Tobio-niisan. Tell us the truth” Natsu drawls and Maa glares at her.  
“I keep telling you, I don’t like him!” he accentuates and his whole face is red. “Hinata tell them”  
“Eh? What’s going on here?” I just saw a lot of blushing and flustered Kageyama (a first huh? Didn't think I'd ever utter that sentence!) I actually have no idea; what’s going on? My mind is telling me one thing but, I keep thinking another.  
“Do I like you?” he asks and avoids my eyes.  
“Well do you? How am I supposed to know what you like?” I shrug and finish off the pork. Huh. He actually didn't eat all of it.  
“You’re such a tsundere” Maa, surprisingly, giggles under her breathe.  
“I’m not!” he protests and I find myself laughing with Maa too. He kinda is.  
“Well Shouyou… do you like him” Akane smirks slyly.  
“Yeah,” I mumble and his neck goes red. “He’s a good teammate”  
“By ‘like’ we mean luuuurve” Akane chuckles deeply. Oh lord I was right. I don't want that to be true.  
“Huh. Well he’s an alright person, even better setter though”  
“Heh. Well here’s my number and email if you want it,” she half-smiles and pulls out a two pieces of paper and hands it to both of us. “Text me about how much you love Shou-chan okay Tobi-chan”  
“I said that I d-”  
“I love him too Tobi-chan. I love him too” she hums and collects all our bowls. Taking the tray, she smirks at me and saunters off.  
“Don’t take her seriously Kageyama-kun. She’s only joking,” Maa sighs and rubs her temple, trying to calm her giggles. “Most of the time it’s incredibly hard to take her seriously. Yet she has some good sides… sometimes”  
“She’s cool” I add  
“Yeah. But she always does what the voice in her head tells her to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably around 12k words I had to do a lot of correcting because I'm a night writer and guys what else am I at night... Tired.
> 
> THIS CONTAINS A LOT OF FLUFF AND I'M NOT OKAY WITH THAT ALRIGHT!
> 
> I hope you like this chapter though and tell me if I made any horrific spelling or grammar mistakes.
> 
> Tumblr: @taciturnpotatos
> 
> -May x


	4. The Weird, New Kageyama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After our practice match with Seijoh, Kageyama's been acting awfully weird. It's kinda hard to describe, but he's been... kinder? Nah, it's probably just me.

How quick does one week go? _No, seriously_. How quick can a week go? I remember waking up and realizing it was Tuesday and now it's Monday again. It’s strange. What did I even do in the weekend that made it go so quick? I mean, I remember texting Akane and Kenma a lot (I haven't spoken to him in, like, a week so I needed to catch up). I also remember going out with Maa; we do that every Saturday. We go to a restaurant or to the zoo; it feels great to go out and spend time, with family. No offense to Maa or anything, but that's usual stuff. But the extraordinary, not so usual, thing is how giraffes fight each other *. Wouldn't that hurt? Or the fact that bread sticks cost so much. That's just not right; they're sticks of bread it shouldn't even **be** that much.

Or, the way more extraordinary thing, is that I have a practice match today with Seijoh. Did I tell you how much I love being in volleyball matches because it's a lot better than practicing? By far.

I know it’s just a practice match, but it feels so much better. The sting in my hand feels more real. The ball feels so much more amazing. The court feels great. And the teamwork feels real. It's not like it wasn't real before! But it feels like we're achieving something together if that makes any sense. Achieving a great thing together. Winning together almost. I guess that's what makes volleyball great. Riding to school seems easier on match days. The bike gets easier to pedal and I just feel happier than I usually would.

Cycling to school was never a problem, but I enjoy these days a lot more. It’s nicer. It makes me feel a lot happier when I know I have something cool to look forward to... I think I see someone in front of me. Is that-?  
"DUMBASS! SLOW DOWN!" Where did he come from?! I brake my bike right in front of him and almost fall head first into the pavement [sidewalk]. "Be careful next time asshole."  
"I didn't even see you! Sorry!"  
"Yeah, whatever. Get up" he huffs and holds out a hand out for me. That's sweet. "Don't get the wrong idea"

"Thanks," I reply sarcastically. What is the wrong idea Kageyama? I get up, ignoring his hand, and keep the bike close to my hip. "I can't wait for this match! It's gonna be so cool! And you can definitely beat Oikawa this time I'm sure of it!"  
"Don't go deciding things by yourself" he bites but with not much venom. That offends me. We’re talking about volleyball here. Where’s the energy? Why aren’t you even talking about the volleyball? What even happened to my old Kageyama?

"Whatcha mean by that?! Usually, you'd be energetic (as energetic as 'you' can get) over this but you're just all... 'hm'," I babble. What’s wrong with him today? He seems all sluggish and lazy and stuff. I don’t like that. "Have you slept at all?"  
"Yeah" and he yawns again. Okay no.  
"Nope. Not having it. Lemme see your face" I state and tug at his sleeve.  
"Let go. You've already seen my face." To be honest, you can never see Kageyama’s face too many times.  
"Yeah. But I need to see it again," I beg and he frowns, turning his head away from me. No way is that allowed! In revenge, I grab his face and try to turn it towards me. The key word is 'try'. "Kageyaaaamaaaaa. Pleeeeeease"  
"Get your hands away from my face" he growls and grabs my wrist.  
"Not until I see it. It's just a face lemme see!" I pout and he smacks my hand away.  
"Piss off"  
"Not until I see your face," I add. "I'll only ask once and then I won't ask again"  
"Promise" he mumbles and frowns even deeper. A chance!  
"I promise Kageyama-kun! Cross my heart," I nod and he huffs. He hesitates for a moment and looks around. "I'm not going to hurt your face. I promise!" And he reluctantly turns his head to me. I cup his face and try to look at his face, but his eyes are just so prominent

And if there's one thing I love about Kageyama - except everything - it's his blue eyes.

His eyes are blue, yet not the type of blue you'd just stumble upon. They're not blue like the morning sky. They're not blue like that paint; wasting away at the back of your dad's old shed. They're not even the blue of flowers you'd find at that old gardening shop your aunt has. No. Their intensity is something immeasurable. Something hard to capture in words. And one you look at them you'd understand. Once you look at them it's hard to stop looking into that blue abyss. It just sucks you in and you find it harder and harder to escape. They're like an ocean; so vast and deep, easy to lose track of time and location once you're in. And I love it. I love it like I love being in a match. I love it like I love being on the court. I love it like volleyball. I love it so much. I love his eyes.

"Hinata..." And it's only then do I realize that our foreheads and noses are touching. That our eyelashes entangled between each other. It's only then do I realize that our breaths are mingling. And it's only then does Kageyama blush and rips his lingering gaze away from me.  
"Oh! Er..." I forgot I had to even look at his face. Stupid Kageyama with his stupid eyes and his stupid blushing and his, just, ugh. "Sorry. I'll look properly this time, okay"  
"Okay" he mumbles and I pull my head away from his.

His face is slack and pale, but his eyebrows are raised in an (awful) attempt at keeping his eyes open. His eyes are struggling to stay open and with his eyelids, like, a centimetre apart. I only just noticed how puffy and red his eyes are too. But below his eyes are something I tried to avoid... 'tried'. They're bad. Like, REALLY bad it hurts my stomach to think about it. It’s prominent; obvious, and I don’t like it. It doesn’t make me feel comfortable to know that he isn’t well. It doesn’t feel right.  
"Kageyama"  
"What?" he curtly replies.  
"When we get on that coach. You're going to sleep. And I'm going to be there to watch" I assert and stress every word to him.  
"Creep, watching me sleep?"  
"Stupid, don’t twist my words!” I huff. “It's for your own good, alright."  
"Right" he sneers.  
"I'm just a bit worried okay." That's the understatement of the year. For sure.  
"I get it, shut up"

\--------------

Kageyama has got me worried sick. I think I'll end up in a hospital before he does. Just who does he think he is. Making me all worried about him. Yet, I just can't shake off this unease. Is he okay? Has he slept? Especially during the days I haven't seen him. He looked horrible when I saw him again. It makes my gut wrench when I see him like that and all sorts of questions whirl round my head. Has he felt any better? Has he been eating? He was when I last saw him. I hope he still is. I hope, from deep down, that he has. I care so much. When?

Since when did I care so much about him? Since when did my heart race whenever I saw him? Since when did I smile when I thought or saw him? Since when did he matter this much?

Calm down. I'll see him again in half an hour. It's just half an hour. That's 30 minutes. Two 15 minute halves. I just need to get through five minutes 6 times. Or 6 minutes five times. Or maybe 7.5 minutes four times. Yeah. Just keep nice and calm. It's cool. Just think about volleyball instead. Think about the feeling of spiking. Receiving an amazing toss... from Kageyama. Nope. What about receiving the ball. I'm bad at that. Kageya-. None of that please... good. Maybe thinking of volleyball isn't such a great idea then. Should I focus on class instead? Er no. That's not right. Just think about... tamago! And how Kagey-. Nothing works. It all goes to him. The table. Oh well, that somehow has to do with Kageyama. The sky. Kageyama-related.

I think I’ve hit a whole new low. I can’t stop thinking about his troublesome face or his well being or just him in general. Have I gone insane or something? I think so. Stupid Kageyama. It’s his fault somehow. I don’t know how but he’s related to my insanity. He just makes me worried. What’s even going on in his head? Sometimes I wish I could mind-read. But, with people like Tanaka, Noya and Akane existing… I’d rather not. But is there a point where, like, you know what the other is thinking without them even saying it?

I mean Yamaguchi knows almost everything about Tsukishima. He could also know exactly how he’s feeling and stuff so… maybe you could. But he’s known him for years on end and I’ve only known Kageyama for… I don’t even know how long. Maybe around a year? They’ve been childhood friends (how? How could you be friends with him) so it kinda makes sense that they’re pretty much telepathic. Just imagine knowing everything about a person. Or knowing what they’re going to say before they even say it. That’ll be cool.

Okay. Now there're only two minutes left in the lesson. I could just count up to 120. That could work buuuuuuut… time went faster when I was thinking of stuff. And he does usually knock at my class when we have practice so it should be fine. What should I think about right now? Maybe volleyball? But volleyball will definitely lead to Kageyama, and I'd worry a lot more. Should I?

I mean, I worry about him but… would he actually want me to? If this situation were swapped, would he be this worried? Maybe. Sometimes, before matches, he would say nice things to me. So maybe he would be this worried… maybe more worried than I am.

That’s nice to think about. Him worrying about me. Being in the exact situation. It’s comforting in a weird way.

“Hinata,” Mr. Himura asks. “Ain’t your friend usually here by now?”  
“... Yeah.”  
“Maybe you should check on him. Kinda weird when he ain’t here.” You know what Mr. Himura. You’re right. It’s weird when he isn’t here.

\---------------

“Oh! Uh… hello. I was just going to go in. You can come in if you mind” Ms. Day hesitates and opens the door for me.  
“Thank you!” I beam and step into her classroom. So Kageyama's old teacher had moved schools. So they had a new teacher come in so they thought they'd replace him. She's a lot better than the older teacher and ever since moving in she's redecorated the room. The walls are decorated by bright displays of student works; like posters, and it makes me feel a lot better. I dunno but there’s something about these types of teachers that make me… calm somehow. It’s weird.

“You’re… Hinata. Right?” she asks, shuffling to her seat.  
“Yes Miss” I nod. She smiles at me with a kind expression.  
“So… why did you come… here” she stutters.  
“Oh. Can I ask you a question?”  
“Yeah”  
“Where’s Kageyama?” I ask and she pauses for a second. Is it something bad? It can’t be something bad. It isn’t. She hasn’t even said anything so let’s not assume the worst. Think like a normal human being Shouyou. She doesn’t know him. There could be a possibility. She is new after all.  
“Kageyama… is he tall? And has he got blue eyes and black hair?” she asks.  
“Uh huh” I nod and leaning on the wall. She twiddles her pen and thinks for a moment. What is it?  
“Well... he kind of... passed out in class.” He what? I mustn't have heard right. She did say ‘pass out’, right? No way. I don’t want to believe that.  
“Oh”  
“He’s, uh, in the concierge’s office... if you want to see him.” Of course, I want to see him!  
“Thank you for telling me, Miss!” I exclaim and hop off the table. I hope Mi- Emi-san, will let me see him.

\--------------

The walk to the concierge set my mind into overdrive. How long did he pass out for? Did he hit his head on the way down? Did he get here safely? How did he get here? I hope Mi- Emi-san took good care of him for me. I just… feel like I should care. I feel obligated to. I’d do anything to see him alright; to see him smile and be… happy. Because when he’s happy; I am too. Even though seeing him actual smile is rare. It’d be nice. There’s just something about him that makes me want to see him smile even though it’s rarer than dodo birds. But when I do… it makes me feel all funny inside. My brain turns into play doh and my heart decides that I ran a marathon. It’s weird. I knock the door of the concierge’s office and sit down on the chair next to Mi- Emi-san.

She flashes me a confused face and I smile back at her. She raises her eyebrows and turns to face me.  
“What’s up? You don’t usually come to visit during breaks” she hums and lies back on her chair.  
“Oh er… Can I see a friend?” I ask and it feels like I swallowed whole ice cubes.  
“Well. I have only one person in here. Name’s Tobio-kun,” she babbles. “Oh and yeah I’ll let you see him. Just don’t tell the Head Teacher, okay, I’ll never hear the end of it”

“Thank you!” YES! I feel like I’ve achieved something brilliant. Like, I always wanted to this for some odd reason that I don’t understand. Is it weird to want to see someone?

I open the curtain to a sleeping Kageyama. I better be quiet then. I tip-toe my way towards the chair next to him and try not to make any sound. His sleeping face is so peaceful and calm; everything not-Kageyama-y. I love it when he doesn’t frown, just imagine him smiling. Just thinking about him smiling makes me smile. When was the last time I saw him smile, and by that I mean a genuine grins and not soul-shattering smiles. I flop down into the chair and he grimaces. That was too loud and too close to his ears.

“Hey Kageyama,” I whisper and lean into him. And I just… feel mushy inside. He looks so innocent! His frown lines aren’t even visible anymore and his eyes seem to flutter whenever I breathe near him. It just fascinates me how much a person can change once you see them sleeping. He looks endearing and it makes my heart stutter. “You should smile more.” His lips twitch and it’s just infectious okay. I can’t help it alright. I take my finger and trace his smirk, caressing his lips. He licks his lips and it makes my chest tight at the feeling of his tongue on my finger. Old habits seem to die hard, huh?

“Shouyou-kun… I didn’t know you had ‘that’ type” Mi- Emi-san whistles.  
“What do you mean?” I feel like I’m missing out.  
“Well… if you had a boyfriend you could have told me” she chuckles. Boyfriend? Kageyama? That’s not- I wouldn’t- but-  
“We’re not dating!” Oh wow.  
“Whatever you say” Miss Emi-san laughs. Boyfriends? I mean, I’d like to be Kageyama’s boyfriend, but I’m not sure if he’d let me. He’d get grossed out or something… maybe.

I flash a look at his face just to check whether he woke up or not. Still sleeping, nice and peaceful. My heart shouldn’t be this active right now. I rest my head on his ribs and I can feel his heart spur. I could stay like this forever; with the warmth of his chest on my ear I’d never leave. But that would mean I can’t go to the match! I was looking forward to it as well. It wouldn’t even be the same without Kageyama so there’s no point. I’ll wait for him to wake up.  
“I’d wait here for a long time if it meant that you’d sleep” I whisper. “If you’re not playing I won’t either.” And it makes me happy to say that. If I’m spending more time with him the match can wait.  
“Don’t say stupid shit like that” he grumbles and gets up. When was he awake? “Can I leave?”  
“Yeah sure” Miss Emi-san hums.  
“Just because I don’t go doesn’t mean you don’t go,” he tuts. “Dumbass.” Yeah okay, it was kinda dumb but I was being nice to you and I don’t usually do that. I’ve just felt like I need to be closer to you somehow and I don’t know how.

“Kageyama,” I ask, but I don’t know what I’m asking for. “Can I hold your hand?”  
“Why?” he asks and sits up. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked that. That was stupid of me.  
“J-just because… I want to” I confess and look everywhere but him. That wall has some nice plastering. Did you notice that Miss Emi-san put her hair up a little different? Looks good on her.  
“Okay… dumbass” he exhales and holds out his hand for me. He’s letting me?

I can’t believe he’s letting me. I thought he’d say no. I thought he’d laugh or just plain reject me but he didn’t. He let me. It’s better than anything I’ve felt before; even better than spiking, in my opinion.

But, to be honest, no matter how bad Kageyama is (or thinks he is) he still can’t flat out reject people. I think he finds it hard to. I can just see it in his face; the look he made when I asked the question. It was guilt. Like if he rejected me he’d feel bad about it. I think, maybe, somewhere in there, he deeply cares about other people and doesn’t want to hurt them. I’m not too sure, though.

“You’re such an idiot” he adds and rolls his eyes.  
“I’m just happy” I beam, placing my palm in his. It feels rough and calloused. Everything I’d expect from a setter like Kageyama. From all those years of volleyball. It makes sense.  
“Hurry up” he seethes and I giggle.  
“I know you’re happy too Kageyama-kuuun. Just admit it” I smirk, I'm right. I slide my fingers into his, feeling the grooves and bumps of his hand.  
“Whatever you dumbass,” he rolls his eyes. “I don’t want to be late because of you”

“Say what you want but I’m the one holding your hand.” That sounded way too cheesy. The crazy things love can do to you. Before all this, I thought feelings like this belonged, in some romantic sitcom. They just seemed outrageous when you look at it from the outside. Yet, when you are thrust into the heart of war, things seem clearer than before. He shakes his head and drags me up and out of my chair. I love him so much that everything that was bad before is nicer.

He just makes everything ‘gwah’. Going to school is meh but he makes it not-so-meh. Volleyball was great, but now it’s even greater. Just him being there does something to things I like (or don't like). I don't know how or when it happened but, I think, ever since we met there's just been something about him. Just the way he was 'there' was a lot different from anything else I've ever experienced. It was just his ‘aura’. Back then it was so intense (and it still kinda is). And losing to him sucked (and still does) but it's a lot better than the first time.

Sometimes I just let him win. It sounds weird, but I just let him win things that are kinda trivial. Like who gets to pay meat buns or the races we have. I'll pay for the meat buns because it's just a meat bun and his face after I pay for them, is just... adorable. It's all like ' I did it' and it just makes my stomach feel tight. And those races as well. He sprints and I'm in the background, jogging until he looks back.

Sometimes I'd pick scissors when we play rock, paper, scissors because I know that he'd pick rock. Okay, it's all the time! But we all can't be winners here.

It's just nice to lose to him when I know he's going to be happy about it later and that makes me happy too.

Some things are pretty hard to explain. Like how being around him makes me feel a lot better. Like how his frowning and shouting have become something I'm kinda alright with. Or how his intensity is just... his presence. Or how I’m on the school’s court already. How’d that happen? Or why everyone keeps looking at us like we’ve just confirmed something.  
“You’re late… again” Ukai chides.  
“But with good reason” I interject and nod sagely. “Kageyama passed out”  
“Are you sure he can play?” Takeda-sensei asks.  
“Yes. I’m fine” Kageyama nods and I nod with him. I have a pretty hard time believing that myself.

\---------------

"Remember what I said Kageyama!" I must remind him. Tis my duty.  
"Yeah"  
"Good," I puff. "And I'm sitting next to the window this time"  
"Yeah," he says and I'm surprised he even agreed. There's a hidden threat there somehow and I need to eradicate it.  
"I was joking, you can sit next to the window"  
"No, you sit next to the window"  
"No no no no no. If you want to sit next to the window go ahead!" I assure you Kageyama. Go ahead and sit next to your beloved window.  
"I don't even like sitting next to the window"  
"Are you sure?" I like sitting next to the window. How could you not?  
"Yes"  
"You're gonna be missing out!" True. I agree with Shouyou.  
"Just sit down," he grunts and pushes me onto the seat. Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa! I'm falling. This is all happening too fast. I wasn't prepared. Now I've stopped. Ow, what was that?! I think I hit my head. "Did I push you too hard?"  
"Nope. Don't even worry about it!" I beam and sit up, patting my hand on his seat. He plops down next to me and leans his head back, letting his eyes slide closed. Not yet, Kageyama. Not yet. You forgot to do something important you silly goose.

"Don't forget to do your seatbelt Kageyama-kun" I tease and do mine. "Or did you 'forget'." I've made horrid life choices and this will be the last of them. I'm so dead after this. D-E-A-D, dead.  
"I know that!" he splutters and grabs his seatbelt. Phew!  
"Mmhmm" I hum and he side eyes me. More like side glare. It sent fear to every end and nerve of my body. How am I still alive after witnessing and being a part of that? That's what I want to know.

He tugs at his seatbelt for a while and frowns at it. Frowning won't make things happen quicker or better. I don’t think he knows yet… someone needs to tell him.  
"The seatbelt's not working" he mumbles. Why not? I realize now that we are sitting on the bad seats. One of them is always broken. Always. And everyone already has a seat so we'll have to share. Good thing the belts are long enough.  
"Share mine" I suggest and unplug my belt leaning over him to plug it into his socket.  
"That's not going to work"

Click!

"Told you so," I giggle. Man does it feel great to be right. "Now sleep"  
"Stay on your side of the seat then"  
"Okie dokie!" And I get off him, holding my hands up in the air. "Stop slacking now. Close your eyes mister"

\---------------

Even though Kageyama made that rule, he broke it. But it actually wasn't that bad; like sitting on my lap or anything ridiculous. It was small things that you'd have to squint at to see.

When he fell asleep his head leaned over to mine throughout the bus trip. There was a point, 5 minutes in, when he started resting his head on my shoulder instead on the backs of the dear. There was also that time when his fingers would rub mine just a touch. After a while, whenever that happened, I would scoot my hand closer and closer. And then, after a while, we started holding hands again. I don't know who initiated it, but it's great. Like how he started snuggling up to me, pressing himself against me.

Sometimes he'd hold me closer. Actually, I think he's doing that now. Other times, his lips would brush over my skin and every time they did it felt electric but in a good way.

The tingle felt good and comforting in a way. The closeness was something I craved and felt like I needed and Kageyama seemed to feel the same way too. It was like a joint mind. I'd want to move closer and he'd do it for me. I'd want to hold hands and he squeezed them to remind me that we are. It made something in my heart smile.

Kageyama wasn't the only calm thing on the bus it was also the ride. The ride there was calm, serene and there were no interruptions. There were only a few speed bumps and Tanaka & Noya weren't being as loud as we all know they can be. They were being as loud as the person next, which was a lot better.

The once moving bus showed to a halt and everyone started unbuckling their seatbelts. I would've joined if it wasn't for the fact that I was sharing mine with Kageyama. Talking about idiot setters, he's still asleep... which means I have to wake him up. I have a strong feeling that he's not a morning person (heck! He's not a nice person in general) and I don't want to find out whether it's true out not. I just need to push in that red thing to undo the seatbelt and hope he wakes up by himself. Worth a shot! I wiggle my hand to the undo-belt-thing (what is that called) and he grumbles.

"Kageyama... you kno-"  
"Shhh," he mumbles, sleep weighing his voice down a ton. "There it is"  
"What are y-"  
"Keep quiet," he interjects but tired enough so that he'd get away with it. "I can sense it"  
"Sense what?"  
"Oikawa's presence." Of course. I didn't even know Kageyama could be t h i s silly. Sensing someone else's presence. He sure is tired.

"Come on get up. Volleyball" I whisper and wriggle my hand towards the clasp thing.  
"5 more minutes" he grouches and pushes my hand back.  
"Come one get uuuuuuuuup," I complain and he rests his head on top of mine in protest. "Ew stop drooling on me"  
"I am NOT drooling on you," he scoffs and pushes me back. "And stay on your side"  
"Eh? But you're on my side"  
"No, I'm not!" he huffs and backs up.  
"You were" I retort.  
"Well I let you go in my space so I went in yours"  
"I didn't even move. You moved me." True.  
"The King is such a tsundere" Tsukishima snickers from the lane. Uh. He's videoing us. Was he doing that the whole time? Since when did he do that? How long has everyone been standing there for? Kageyama gives him The Homicidal Glare #2 and shoves him out of the way.  
"Stop wasting time dumbass" he sneers.  
"You're wasting time," I'm pretty sure your sleeping wasted some time. That message didn't get to him as he marches out the bus. "Hey! You forgot your bag!" Stupid Kageyama.

\--------------

This match is intense. I can feel it from Kageyama's 'aura'. The concentration on his face before, during, and after every toss. I can feel it when I look at anyone’s face, in general, but his just stands out. Asahi’s concentration is nothing compared to Kageyama’s. That doesn’t mean he’s not concentrating at all (because he is), but it seems small compared to his. I guess losing to Oikawa must be that bad. Is it like losing to me? Or worse? I think it’s worse because he looks so focused on not messing a single thing up. Every movement is not wasted a single bit; all fluid and flowing with little to no hesitation. He seems so certain.

Yet, even though I know this, I can’t help but feel as though his concentration is rubbing off on me. It’s infectious. I stand next to him and I feel as if I can see everything he sees. Where everyone moves. Where the ball is about to go. Who to keep an eye on. It’s like synchronization in a way. My movements, thoughts, and perceptions match his. Is this what goes through his head? It seems oddly focused and a bit hectic. This must be every match for him. Slowed down about 35% percent to what I usually see. It freaks me out, but it makes me calm. Like his room. Clean and precise; just like his playing style. No matter how hard I try to deny it I know for a fact that he’s a better player than me. Only at setting, though, spiking is my jam.

Spiking. Just spiking… nuff said.

If Kageyama could take that away from me then I’d cry because spiking is mine. M-I-N-E. Our quick attack wouldn’t work because he can’t set and spike by himself. (No matter how much he’d love to). My receive is bad, so is my serve, but my jumping and spiking are pretty good. I’m just happy to even be on the court and to be on the court with Kageyama is even better. Even if we’re losing (but only by a bit) being on that court, with Kageyama beside me, is the greatest thing ever.

Volleyball.

And then volleyball with Kageyama.

It’s so different.

And now because I feel so much more different I can feel the quick attack. I just somehow know what to expect and what to do and it’s… I dunno, it’s weird. So before I’d need to have a signal but now I just know which side he’s gonna spike on and what pace to set. The ball gets tossed to the air and the rest is just like breathing. Fluid movements, calm and controlled. The ball smacks to the floor and there are two thuds on the floor. But I ignore it because the tingle in my palms feels so real. This is the reason I love matches with other teams. This is the whole reason I love it so much. I need to find Kageyama and high five him. Don’t ask questions!

Okay, lemme break my own rule for one second. Why is Kageyama on the floor? Why is everyone crowding around him? Why-? Did he pass out? Oh no. No no no no no!  
“Kageyama?!” I shout as frantic as I feel right now. He was up and running 5 seconds ago what even happened? This shouldn’t even be happening. Not now. Not ever. I don’t know whether I want him to wake up or fall asleep. What am I even gonna doooo? He’s gone so there’s no point in me even playing now. It won’t feel the same way as before.

I’d wait for a long time if it meant that you’d sleep. If you’re not playing, I won’t either.

\---------------

I spent the rest of the match on the sidelines; watching both Kageyama and the match. But it was more of him than anything else. His sleeping face is serene and charming in a sense. I can’t get used to not seeing his frown or seeing his actual smile. He’s actually pretty awkward and endearing if you got rid of all the grouchiness. When he thinks nobody is looking; when he thinks that nobody will see, he’s a beautiful person. I don’t get why he acts so upset and angry over everything. What happened man?

The game? Oh yeah, the game. We lost. We were losing before so that makes it acceptable… (okay no it doesn’t but can’t I be a little optimistic). It just drives me up the wall to think that we were only a couple of points away from being on equal ground. It’s even worse to think that I couldn’t play the whole match with Kageyama.

Because it’s only with him that volleyball feels like volleyball.

When did it not feel the same without him? When did losing something feel so bad? So devastating. When? But it’s not just me it’s Kageyama too. He’s just as sour as I am. Actually no. That’s the understatement of 2K15. He’s worse than lemons and lime right now and I do not want to be at the receiving end of his wrath. I have been there too many times for a mortal man to fathom. Too. Many. Times. I know losing to Oikawa is horrible but is it that bad? I don’t know, but he seems pretty upset and that kinda makes me less upset.

I remember, as soon as the match ended, Kageyama’s head snapped up and he gazed at the scoreboard. His face was full of hope. Yet, when we saw the scoreboard… it was like all that excitement was for nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Aoba Jousai v Karasuno  
28 26

The Grand King’s face just makes it a whole lot worse. Knowing that he is smiling like that gets on my nerves. Kageyama feels the same way. But as Natsu giggles at our devastation I feel as if it’s not that bad. I mean it was just a practice match it wasn’t the Nationals or anything. So why does it hurt so bad?

"Don't worry about it, Shouyou. It wasn't a major loss," Maa reassures and pats my head. "Just because you lost to someone doesn't make you weak." I know, but it doesn't stop me from feeling like I could've done something. We lost and I could've prevented it. If only I were on the court for just a second longer.  
"Trust us, we know our stuff," Akane adds and the back Kageyama's hand rubs against mine. "Wishing for something in the past to change will not change it. You must learn from your past failures to succeed."  
"Aka-kun stop, you sound like some old sensei" Maa smirks.  
"I know right. Besides, what do I know about what you're feeling? It could be a lot worse than what you two make it seem like. Yet, from my view, everything seems fine if you lighten up." That's a lot harder than it seems. I just feel... beaten. Like I just sat there and let my team get beat. Like I did everything I could for no reason. Like it was all for nothing.

"We've got to get back now. But you two remember what we said, alright" Maa says. I want to try and not feel bad, but it's a lot harder than I thought. I want to try and not feel like I didn't help at all, like the team didn't even need me because — either way — we'd lose. It feels so bad to think about. I don't want to think about it... but I can't stop thinking like that.

\---------------

This shouldn't bother me so much — no not the match — Kageyama isn't acting normal. I'm not sure if I even know what normal Kageyama is anymore. The match and the devastation can wait, I just want to know one thing and one thing alone. Why is Kageyama being so... nice? It’s freaky, but I love it.

Sitting closer to me; trying to talk to me; getting me milk; holding hands with me a lot more, and impromptu hugs. The hugs are the best bit. Sometimes, after going to the bathroom, he’d hug me out of nowhere. I adore it.

I love the feeling of his chest pressed against my head. The way his arms wrapped around my shoulders, and his amazing smell. Is it strange that he doesn’t smell as bad as I thought. It’s like an odd lavender, maybe some chamomile in there. Okay, maybe it’s a little weird.

I still wanna be as close to him, though. Maybe I could invite him over… yeah. Makes sense too because Maa’s making curry today so he’d wanna come. Yeah. Yeah, I’ll invite him over.

\---------------

“Kageyama” I hum and stuff the chicken teriyaki in my face. I always save the best things for last; it’s just a rule. Well, tamago is the obvious exception.  
“What is it?” he asks and puts his lunch away. He always finishes his lunch first. There’s no point in even having an eating contest with him because he’ll always win (I tried. I tried my hardest).  
“Maa’s making curry and I thought you might want to come over for dinner,” I ask. Looking over to Kageyama, I see that he has a watery smile on his face.

It's the kinda face you make when you're excited and aren't trying not to look it. Kageyama makes it look adorable. Remember when I was talking about smiles? Well his, at this moment, is the best thing my heart has ever experienced. It’s a soft and earnest smile when he lets it show; it's a smile that reminds me of a grassy field. Sunny and glowing. The way his lips quirk up just about enough to show his teeth if you squint. Or even the way his dimple formed whenever he smiled a bit more. It was also the way his eyes crinkled and the way his blue eyes shone. His eyes are the windows of his soul and his soul must be sweet. It was too much for me to take in in one look; I had to stare to take it all in.

“S-soft-boiled eggs?” he stutters and stares ahead of him, blushing and refusing to even look in my direction. Every part of him is perfect. Every single one of them.  
“I’ll ask for you,” I hum and the blissful silence comes back. The sound of his breathing with mine and his fidgeting put me at an odd ease. He doesn't know what he does to me. He really doesn't. "Kageyama"  
"What is it?" he asks after taking a deep breath in.

"You know... you have a pretty smile" I sigh and he finally looks at me.  
"No I don't" he scoffs and his cheeks redden even deeper. He covers his face with his hands and shakes his head. Even that's adorable. How did I not notice before?  
"And you look nice when you blush" I nod. He buries his face in his hands even deeper. Adorable.  
"W-what is it with these compliments?" You don't know do you. I wish I could tell you, but I'd just be lying to myself if I said you liked me back. I'm stupid, but I'm not a fool. I can't keep these feelings for you because I know how much it'll hurt me or you. But I cling on and I have no idea why. Do you know? I wish you did.

"Kageyama"  
"Answer my question" he says without his usual bite. I hope I could. I-  
"Can I hold your hand?" I know I'll mess everything up in the long run. But, for now I'm just gonna hang on and hope that everything will turn out fine. It's stupid to assume that he'll like me back, but I hope that he'll accept me. That he'd feel comfortable around me. That he'll keep whatever this is up with me. Because holding hands should be enough. Holding each other should definitely be enough. But I crave? Desire? Need. I need to have more than this.  
"Sure" he whispers, kinda unsure about it.

"If you don't want to you don't have to. I don't want to force anything on you," I mumble. "I don't want to do something you're not okay with so if you d-"  
"How would it be by force if I say you can. Just do it!" At least he's not saying no. Yeah. If he's alright with it then I guess I can keep carrying this on with him. I have no idea what 'this' is. But, as far as I'm concerned 'this' makes my heart full to the brim. With excitement, passion and just a bit of 'should we even be doing this at all'. I wouldn't have it any other way

\-------------

"Maa! I brought Kageyama over for dinner. Is that okay?" I shout from downstairs and there's a bunch of shuffling heard from her. “And can you make soft boiled eggs for him as well”  
"Don't worry. I'll do that for him," Maa shouts from the top of the stairs and Kageyama gives me a quizzical look. “And make yourself comfortable I’ll be downstairs in a minute.”  
“You know that was a joke” he confirms and I shrug. Joke or not you’re still getting pretty good eggs. They’re pretty gooooood.  
“Well, you’re a guest so you could at least have some eggs,” I reply and he rolls his eyes. I flop down on the couch, patting the space next to me. “Maybe we could watch some TV while we wait. I don’t know what to watch, but maybe we’ll see something.” He nods and stiffly sits next to me.

Why is he sitting like a board or something? Is he uncomfortable? Nothing in my house could make him uncomfortable. I think my house has a nice atmosphere. Well, it has to… we have a kid but I mean it must just feels nice to live in. Well, nothing could be threatening about this house. Or it could be because Natsu left something around here. But last time we checked Natsu’s toys were all tidied up so he wouldn’t have sat on one of them. Well, what could it be? This house is an alright house... Is it because he’s never been to somebody’s house before?

He’s so innocent!

I’m not gonna tease him or anything (pfft, yeah why would I do that) so I should make him feel comfy. I mean, he doesn’t feel too comfortable right now so I should (I dunno) comfort him. Angry Kageyama’s I’m (sorta) okay with, but uncomfortable Kageyama’s is just a no. That’s not allowed. Not in my house.

I shuffle close to him and rest my hand on the back of his palm. Feeling the soft, warm skin under my palm. His veins. His bony knuckles and the dips and curves between them, and the feeling of his short nails on the pads of my fingers. It makes me feel weird. My stomach does flips and tightens but it feels nice and it makes me happy that I want to do more of it. Kageyama sinks back into the couch and sighs.  
“What do you wanna watch?” I ask and take the remote, handing it over to him. He shrugs… helpful.

After Maa had come downstairs and told us to not do anything stupid, we flittered through channels. Sometimes we’d watch something volleyball related. But, sometimes we’d watch those downright weird documentaries on Nat Geo. I just don’t even want to think about all the filth I saw today. It brings flashbacks of something I’d rather forget… channel 72. Hearing the name sends shivers down my spine

Yet, it didn’t worry me as much. Strangely enough, Kageyama was a lot more important than anything on that television screen. When he fell asleep it made me feel warm all over. His head on the arm of the sofa, my head on his chest; rising and falling with every breath he takes. His legs somewhat on the couch, and mine tangled in his; or calves rubbing together. His arms around my chest, and mine around his slender waist. It’s not until now that I realized that I can’t live without Kageyama.

His presence and warmth right here, right now, is all that I could ever ask for and ask I could ever want. He's a solid warmth underneath me and his heartbeat lulls me into a state of total unawareness. The steady rhythm and the heat of his chest on my ear made all surroundings blur and kinda just… stop existing. I've never been this calm and this tepid ever. This just proves how weird I feel around him.

I've felt the need to know more and more about him. I want to know everything about him. I want to see every side of him and witness what it's like to see him happy without a regret or worry in his mind. I want to know what he likes, dislikes. What scares him and makes him hide under the bed. What makes him happy and makes him smile. Everything else that he knows about me. I want him to let me in. Let me into your mind and every thought inside. Let me learn something new.

Kageyama, I've never cared for someone as much as I do you right now. Kageyama, I've never felt so much for someone until now. Kageyama, I never realized how much you meant to me. Kageyama I l-.  
"Wake up! Food's ready!" Maa exclaims and turns the TV off. Was I asleep this whole time? And why does my mouth feel cottony and dry? Even the corner of my mouth feels dry and flaky. It's definitely dry spit. Ew! I was drooling all over Kageyama. I better wipe it before he sees. I use the discarded blanket to wipe his chest before it dries completely.

"The food will get cold so wake up. I'm not making any more," she huffs. "And could you keep your hands to yourself in my household, please." His face looks like he was caught doing something bad and he glances over at Maa.  
"It's not what it looks like; don't get the wrong idea!" he cries and pushes me off. What's the wrong idea?  
"Don't worry Kageyama-kun! I won't tell Akane that you were tryna get some frisky on my couch. If you know what I mean," she reassures, patting his back. I'm pretty sure that's not reassuring. But, come on now. Get some frisky? Seriously? Ew, Maa! "If you and Shouyou eat every single grain of rice in your bowls"  
"Maaaaaaa!" I whine and rub the sleep out of my eyes. Like, what is that white stuff in your eye after you sleep. I've always called it sleep. But, it could be something extra-scientific… like eye boogers or something.

"That curry's not gonna eat itself" Maa smirks. Kageyama better be prepared.

\---------------

The dinner was as amazing! The curry was just... MMM and the eggs were just mmm. The curry just felt nice to the tongue in weird, indescribable ways. Those eggs were just the softest and squishiest to bite into. It was Mouth Valhalla. Maa makes the best food ever and even thinking about it makes my mouth water. I mean, those eggs were amazing to bite into and the pork was just right. Kinda unfair the way Kageyama got more than me. I’m your son that should be me making him jealous; not the other way.

After dinner, I said that Kageyama and I were going to study for the tests next week. School bores me and I never cared about grades and doing something for a grade is even worse. Writing a report is boring but doing it for a grade makes it so much worse. But writing a report with Kageyama. I don't think I'd mind it that much.

Yet, despite all that, I just wanted an excuse to let him stay. When I said it he wasn’t upset that I was keeping him here longer than he should. Or angry because I didn’t tell him beforehand. He was... I dunno. I dunno much about Kageyama’s personality; all I know is that it sucks most of the time. That’s most of the time, though. Now it there was something about it that made me feel all warm. Was it because his face wasn’t frowning - or the ‘aura’ he had.

You know what I mean by ‘aura’, right. The feeling you get from a person when their mood changes or when you first meet them. When they don’t even need to tell you how they feel because you can just ‘sense’ it. Or when they’re not even near you but you feel as if they feel something. Like when I found out I liked him; I felt something bad in his ‘aura’ whenever I was around him. He didn’t exactly hate me, but he just seemed uncomfortable.

Like how he was uncomfortable when he came into the house. He wasn’t uncomfortable, more like awkward. Yet, he didn’t seem like it until you looked close at it. Like, when I let him into the house he lingered at the door before he stepped in. Or when he asked to sit on the couch even though when I went to his I just jumped onto his. He's never went to someone’s house — or stayed for long — but I could feel something.

Like how I feel his ‘aura’ right now. It’s weird to think, but I have a feeling he was kinda glad when I said that. I’m not sure, but maybe he was. It was a soft expression; he wasn’t frowning and I think I saw his lip twitch. Maybe. It was at the corner of my eye though so I couldn’t make sure. Plus whenever I full-on look at him he gets self-conscious without even realizing it. Once I started staring at him without realizing it. Yeah. He kept messing around with his hair and wiping his palms. It was adorable.

“Dumbass, are you even paying attention?”  
“Yes, I am!” When did I get into my room?  
“What are you even thinking about?” Uuuuuh… I can’t say ‘I was thinking about how you smile’ because that’s just… nope. Think of another thing!  
“I dunno, I forgot” I mumble and he rolls his eyes. Those amazing blue eyes. OFF TOPIC! Stupid, stupid Shouyou, don’t think of things like that. Studying. Maths. Studying. Maths. Good, okay. Now engage in normal conversation with the guy you like… not hard (it’s harder than you'd think).  
“Kageyama, I’m bored” I huff and fall into his lap.  
“Yeah…” he says and lays on the floor, cushioning his head with his hands.

We just stare at the ceiling for a long time with little to no sound. The only noise that's heard was our breathing. Or whenever one of us shifted and that was rarely because we didn’t want to disrupt the silence we had. It was calm and it made me feel uncomfortable. Silence is nice — silence is cool — but when it doesn’t feel right, something’s just off about it.

“Hey, Kageyama” I hum and nuzzle into his lap. I rarely get to do that so I might as well make the best of it. When a rare moment occurs you have to just… milk it.  
“What?” What was I gonna ask?

“Why are you grumpy all the time?” Okay. That’s what it was. I’m not gonna be alive by the time he opens his mouth.  
“I am NOT grumpy!” Yeah, okay then Kageyama. Whatever you say.  
“Every time I look at you, you’re always frowning. So, I just thought that you’re being a grump about everything like you usually are. You big grump.”  
“I’m not a grump” he scoffs and knees me in the neck  
“Okay then, Grumpy-yama,” I giggle and he knees me again.

“You should smile more, though... you grump” I giggle.  
“Yeah, I’m working on it,” he huffs and turns his head away from me. Is he-? He is. He's blushing. He's blushing and it's so darn cute. He’s blushing and frowning; it just makes my heart skip beats. Kageyama, quit being so cute. "And shouldn't I be going now; it's late."  
"Well, yeah it is kinda late,” I mutter. Less time with Kageyama I guess. “I’ll walk you to the door.”  
“Dumbass, you don’t have to” he huffs and gets up. I refuse.  
“Well, I want to” I reply and get up, linking my arm with his. He rolls his eyes at me and continues to the door… I’m getting away with a lot more things than I thought I would be.

\---------------

“Get home safe, Kageyama-kun” Maa shouts from the kitchen and he nods even though she’s not even in the room. Stupid.  
“I’ll see you tomorrow in practice, okay,” I say and he nods. “And don’t forget to text me if you can’t go to sleep.”  
“Dumbass, I’d wake you up” he scoffs.  
“Yeah. It’s worth it though” I mumble. He rolls his eyes and turns to leave. Not yet! I have to do something before he leaves. I grab his arm and he whips around.

“Good night, Kageyama” I beam and stand on my tip-toes to give him a kiss on the cheek.  
“Don’t do that” he pouts and wipes his cheek with the sleeve of his jumper [sweater]. That’s not the reaction normal Kageyama would give. Who replaced them while he slept? But there’s that voice in my head that says that this ‘new’ Kageyama is so much better than the other one. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mate, this took a long time! Not because I was having writers' block or anything (I'm an extraordinarily creative person... sike) I was just so busy in life and ish. I've started going to the gym and joining clubs and trying to become a healthier person... I know, freaky.
> 
> I also tried using Hemingway Editor so if the usual flow isn't there, just tell me. Hope you like the fluff.
> 
> *is how giraffes fight each other  
> https://youtu.be/VDhNutbXpFE?t=3s
> 
> Tumblr @taciturnpotatos
> 
> -May xx


	5. Way Too Close For Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata and Kageyama get quite close... but knowing me, I wouldn't let characters be too happy for too long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I MADE YOU WAIT A YEAR FOR THIS AND IT IS HALF THE LENGTH! I blame myself for this unwanted, unprepared, and untelegraphed hiatus tbh. 
> 
> Come fight me, dude.

**_Kageyama 21:56_ **

U no im not gonna txt u

 

**_Me 21:57_ **

then don't stupid

 

**_Kageyama 21:57_ **

im not stupid

 

**_Me 21:57_ **

okay Grumpy-yama (^.^)

 

**_Kageyama 21:58_ **

im not grump either

 

**_Me 21:58_ **

You're definitely grump

 

**_Kageyama 21:59_ **

fine whatevr

 

**_Me 22:00_ **

Go to sleep now. It's pretty late

 

\---------------

 

**_Kageyama 01:34_ **

i cant sleep

 

**_Me 01:34_ **

i knew you'd text me (^_-)

 

**_Kageyama 01:34_ **

…

 

**_Me 01:35_ **

im joking! 

but why can’t you sleep

 

**_Kageyama 01:35_ **

none of your business. just be moral support or smthn

 

**_Kageyama 01:36_ **

whyd u care

 

**_Me 01:37_ **

because i do you idiot (‘-’*)

just tell me alright

 

**_Kageyama 01:38_ **

its personal and weird

 

**_Me 01:40_ **

well. if it worries you just don't think about it

 

**_Kageyama 01:40_ **

dumbass its not that easy

 

**_Me 01:41_ **

lets play a game then!

 

**_Kageyama 01:41_ **

???

 

**_Me 01:43_ **

yeah! it consists of you telling me why your upset and me knowing stuff.

 

**_Kageyama 01:44_ **

doesnt sound fun at all

 

**_Me 01:45_ **

alright then. lets play 21 questions then and take turns.

 

**_Kageyama 01:46_ **

call me. cba typing

 

late night calls are the best types of calls.

 

\---------------

 

Kageyama’s been acting weird. Actually, he’s been acting even weirder. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been acting weird too. Actually, I’ve been acting even weirder than he has. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like it. I like doing weird things with Kageyama, it makes me feel happy and light in a way that’s hard to describe. I like looking into his eyes, staring into that blue abyss that I’ve grown to love so much. I like holding his hand because his big hands just perfectly encase my small ones. And I like complimenting him because he gets so flustered about it. He’s so cute.

 

I always tell him and each reaction is precious. Every single reactions just stored in my heart and I don’t think I’ll ever throw them away. They’re just too cute for me to bare. Things like, ‘Hinata! Shut up!’, and ‘No I-. Stop!” are some of my favourite reactions. I especially like it when he starts covering his face when he gets a bit embarrassed. Or when he starts frowning to cover up how flustered he is. He blushes so much it’s adorable. Especially when he tries to splutter out one to me. It’s like ‘nife nuff nice’ all over again.

 

Kageyama’s also being more open to me too (which I love). He’s just been nicer to talk to overall… except when we’re arguing over something. But, that doesn’t happen as much as it used to so I’m fine with it. He’s so much nicer and warmer and even more snugglier than before (which isn’t saying anything because… Kageyama). Once I surprise-attacked him (running and jumping on him) and he just let me stay there, wrapping his arms around me and letting me. I dunno whether to feel scared or happy. Meh. Whatever it is I like it.

 

Can’t say the same for the team though. They seem pretty awkward around us. I remember, Kageyama and I stared into each other's eyes. It wasn’t like that kinda staring you do when you wanna fight or something… it was  _ kinda _ romantic. Just us two in that moment. Alone. With his deep blue-grey eyes staring into mine. With his sweet smirk and his slight blush. Adorable. I just felt the need to tell him. To tell him how amazing his eyes are. To tell him how much I loved his smile (and still do). I needed to see his reaction. That blush. The way he would hide his face and swear at me, in complete and utter denial. It was adorable. Kageyama’s so adorable.

 

“You and Kageyama seem pretty close” Suga says. I’m pretty sure I remember the last time he said that. Maybe a couple of days ago? A week?

“We’re not dating” I hum and redo the laces on my shoe. That question’s been going round a lot more than I’d like it to. It’s one of those situations where you wanna say yes but you know it’s not true.

“Well… whatever you say then,” he hums in that maternal ‘I don’t believe you but whatever you say’ kinda way. Maa uses it a lot. On Natsu or me I’ve lost count and respect for myself. “Get home safe.” 

“Bye bye Suga-san” I yell.

 

\---------------

 

Kageyama said that he has to do something so I’ll just go check my locker. I think it’s just me (it totally is) but there’s still a part of me that wants confession letter even though my heart is totally invested in Kageyama. It must feel good to get a confession letter. To know someone likes you or even likes you back (but no-one’s that lucky) must feel good. Kageyama always gets them. I swear, everyday he’s always getting one. And he’s always going ‘ugh, another one’. Like, excuse me? I want one too. Where’s my handwritten letter of love? It’s not fair.

 

But I’d have to deal with the guilt of rejecting them. It must be bad because Kageyama seems to... not be able to deal with it. I remember once, Kageyama was getting confessed to and he looked sorry about it. I kinda felt like that too. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t like them but he took it as if it were. It was heart-warming in a way. Like, ‘sorry, I haven’t noticed you’. He just looked so… remorseful.

 

What?! It was definitely by accident! I totally didn’t mean to see that.

 

But in all seriousness I might see a confession letter. I think. I hope… don’t quote me on that. I put in the combination for my locker and open it up. I usually expect an empty locker (in terms of sweet, sweet letters) but it’s not. There’s a small, light blue envelope that sits on my PE kit [gym clothes]. It looks pretty and smells amazing. Like lavender and roses. Now I’m not sniffing letters. I just think she went a little… overboard with the perfume. 

 

This rarely ever happens. Just think about how many times I’ve wanted to say ‘I got a confession letter today’. Well, now I can finally mutter those words of pure bliss. It feels amazing to say. My tongue just follows those sounds perfectly. This is the greatest news I have ever received… ever.

 

Let’s not get too happy about this. It could be the wrong Hinata. It’s happened before. Yikes! That time was awkward. 

 

I remember it clearly. It was that cute, shy, and sorta foreign girl giving that extremely sporty, out-of-anyone’s-league girl a confession letter. I think it was Caldwell Aiko (or Aiko Caldwell) and Shizuka Hinata. Caldwell always had a crush on Shizuka; you could tell. It was just the way she looked at her when she thought nobody was even looking. The way she attended every single Girls Rugby Tournament even though she didn’t even like the sport or any sport in general. And it was the way Shizuka went up to me and asked ‘do you think Aiko-chan wants to bone me?’.  Yeah. She was that deep in love. 

 

She asked Kageyama where Hinata’s locker was and (stupid Kageyama) he pointed to mine. So she was excited for the whole day and I didn’t even know why… until I went on the rooftop (notorious confession spot). She glanced at me and broke out into tears. Wet and messy tears. I didn’t know what to do. What was I supposed to do? Say ‘there there, I can transform myself into Shizuka’. I dunno whether you weren’t inform but I cannot. No matter how hard I tried. 

 

She kept crying things like ‘I knew this wouldn’t work out’, ‘she probably doesn’t like me’ and ‘I’ll never confess again’. She was in utter disarray. I didn’t know what to do. I was just there, patting her shoulder, trying to reassure her somehow. I’m not the best at it but she seemed really happy about some of the things I said… I can’t remember though.

 

It was all cool though. Cause the next day we rewrote the letter and put it in Shizuka’s locker. Her face was one of pure gratitude and she gave me lots of hugs and cookies… they were one of the best cookies I ever had.

 

I don’t know when the confession happened or how well it happened but it seemed pretty good. Cause the next day I saw a lot of hand holding, blushing, and kissing. Kinda sounds like me and Kageyama… but without the full-on, mouth-on-mouth making out. It was mostly Shizuka’s fault. Shizuka has no shame whatsoever. Good for her though. She deserves it after crushing on her for so long. It wasn’t subtle. Not one bit.

 

Well, I better get prepared for that ruckus again. It was sweet seeing them get together, (PS, they’re still together) but those tears were at full force and it was just… just a mess. Let’s hope it’s not gonna be that bad. I check the back of the envelope and I practically squeal. IT’S MY NAME! MY ACTUAL NAME! With a kissy-kissy x at the end of it. Do you know the importance of kissy-kissy x’s? Every confession letter must have one!

 

“Did she finally confess to you?” My art teacher, Miss Aki, asks.

“Who?” Who confessed to me?

“Nevermind,” she huffs. She drives a hand through her dyed pink hair and gives me a glance. “Well don’t get in any trouble.” 

“Okay Miss” I nod and she walks away. Well then… forget how weird that was and just focus on this sweet, sweet confession. 

 

I open the envelope and a pastel pink piece of paper juts out. It’s got hearts and kissy-kissies and everything. This is 100% legit! I fold open the paper to see the neatest and prettiest handwriting ever. So much care has been put into these lines. Every kanji was written with a meaning… you know, apart from the one it already has. But it’s like every single time the pen hit this page, it meant a lot for her.

 

This is amazing news! I must tell every person I know and love about this. I bet Maa would be proud. I mean, I'm pretty chuffed about it myself so she'd be too. I just can't waaaaiiiit! Should I read it now or with Kageyama? I guess with Kageyama because he'd know what to say to her... right? Well it's the only hope I have now.

 

\---------------

 

"Kageyama! I got this confession letter today and I wanna read it with you" I squeal. I can barely hold my excitement! This is the very moment I've been waiting for my whole and to experience it with Kageyama makes it even better. I mean, I'm not gonna say yes but it's nice to know someone cares about you. 

"Say no to them" he orders. Well then...

"Well, yeah. I was gonna do that in the first place," I scoff. Stupid Kageyama. "I just wanna know what you'd say to them... you know, with rejecting and all."

"Read it first" he says. I open up the envelope, trying my hardest to not rip it apart. Someone tried their best with that so I can't rip it.

 

Kageyama grumbles, "open it already."

"Yeah I'm doing that," I scoff. Someone's sour today. "Can you hold the envelope for me, please?"

"No" he replies. Really? We've went back now? I remember it clearly, today, he'd do things for me and now he won't. What happened? I don't get it. Why would he say no? Well, who am I to over think? Maybe he said it because he didn't want to touch something valuable to me. Yeah. 

 

"Look! Kageyama look! Kageyama you're not looking, look" I squeal and take the card out. He rolls his eyes at me and glances over at my hands. 

"Just read it!" He seems irritable. Whatever. 

"Alrighty then," I huff. I harrumph and put on my best reading voice. " **_To Shouyou x,_ **

We've been in the same class for about a year now and I think I may have gotten attached to you. You always seemed really good-looking when you looked out the window or when you got excited for volleyball. 

 

I have a feeling that you might think of my height in comparison to yours but the truth is that I don't really mind your shortness. I know you might not like me, and you may not have noticed me by now, but I really like you.

 

In fact, I truly think I'm in love with you.

 

Yours Truly,

Secret Crush

 

PS, can we meet at the rooftop on Monday?"

 

"Do you know who it is?"

"Nope." I wish I did actually.

"I'm going with you."

"Nope. I'm a big boy and I do big boy things all by myself" I giggle. When Kageyama says it like that, it's a suggestion; he wouldn't force himself to go with me. Yet, my previous statement still stands. You know, 'big boy, big boy things', it's very true. I'm 6 months his senior and I can do things by myself. Plus, I don't even feel threatened by this letter. If you were going to threaten me with pink, light blue and the scent of lavender and roses then I feel very threatened right now. 

"Don't even worry about it," I huff. “Grump”

 

\---------------

 

“My baby boy’s all grown up” Maa chuckles, sipping her tea.

“Maa! Stop that” I grumble. I knew I shouldn’t have told her. As soon as I got home I was harassed with it. It’s like drowning in treacle [molasses]. You’re like, ‘oh that seems fun’ but then you jump in and you’re stuck and it’s all your fault you monster.

“Are you finally gonna get a girlfriend” she prods. Do you see this harassment?

“Maaaaaaa!”

“Oh, where are my manners?” Yeah. That’s right. Mmhmm. “You’re gonna get with her so you can make Kageyama-kun jealous. That’s the plan, ain’t it”

“No, Maaaa. I’m gonna say no to her but I don’t know how,” I mutter. “I was gonna ask Kageyama about it but I kinda forgot.”

“How’d he feel about the whole thing” she asks. She sips her tea and I can see the steam cover her face. I don’t know how, but she really enjoys scalding tea with a lot of added chamomile.

“I mean, he seemed kinda irritated… but that could’ve been ‘cause of something else” I ramble. She sips her tea absentmindedly, thinking of what to say and how to phrase it. I think I got that little sticky-tongue-out thing from Maa.

“Are you sure it was about something else?”

“Yeah...”

“Alright then, Shouyou. Don’t forget to turn the light and the TV off when you go upstairs” Maa says. Getting up, she drinks her tea on the way to the kitchen and it gets me wondering. Did I really believe myself when I said yeah..? Meh.

 

\---------------

 

I can’t even explain how excited I am about this whole thing. This has never happened to me before as you can clearly see. Seriously though, this could be the first person that’s ever had a crush on me. Who could it be? Why would they like me? Me of all people. That’s so great! Even though I know I’ll have to say no to them, I still appreciate the fact that they’ve took time to actually care about me. It’s so nice to think about! Aaaaaaaaah! I know, I know, I should stop being so happy about something I’m gonna say no to but MMMMMMMMMH! I really need to ask Kageyama about it though.

 

**_Me 19:12_ **

KAGEYAMA!

 

**_Kageyama 19:12_ **

?

 

**_Me 19:13_ **

How do you reject someone 

 

**_Me 19:13_ **

Nicely

 

**_Kageyama 19:14_ **

reject them

 

**_Kageyama 19:14_ **

but nicely

 

**_Me 19:15_ **

Noooooo… I mean how do you reject someone without making them feel bad.

Grump.

 

**_Kageyama 19:16_ **

dont pity them but dont be too mean. be nice i guess

 

**_Me 19:16_ **

You're not very helpful

 

**_Kageyama 19:17_ **

I know.

can i call?

 

**_Incoming Call: Kageyama Tobio_ **

 

“Hey what's up”

“Hinata. I don't feel good about this confession” he admits and everything Maa said clicks.

“Are you jealous?” The question sits there; being digested slowly and all I can do is wait.

“No I just- I just feel like I should be there… to support a friend?”

“If this is jealousy and you're trying to stop me then lay off it, okay. I never did this to any of your confessions so why are you doing it to me. It's unfair Kageyama”

“I know but- you won't understand” 

 

The line fizzes.

 

\---------------

 

I can't be anything but optimistic to see this girl. Maa, Paa and even Akane are happy that I've finally got a confession addressed to me. I can't hold my excitement. Gah! You know that feeling of acceptance when everyone has got a thing and you don't have it but then you get it… yeah. I even brought the letter with me for good luck on my travels. I am nothing but happy right now. Can't say the same about Kageyama.

 

The whole school day has passed but I still feel like Kageyama is being too jealous. I kinda got carried away with my emotions in the phone call and shouldn't have said it like that. He forgives me but I still feel really bad for it. He seems to be putting up with a lot lately and I'm making it worse. I feel bad but he seems a bit more happier so I'm guessing all his dreams are getting better.

 

Anyway, I'm climbing up the stairs and Kageyama and I agreed he would stay at the bottom of the stairs so he couldn't interfere. I still have a funny taste in my mouth because of him and now I'm paranoid. Maybe he was right. Maybe he was being just that, paranoid. Maybe the girl sent it to me as a prank. If this is a prank I'll prank their existence away but whatever. I'm positive, I'm optimistic and I won't let Kageyama ruin my chances of… I don't know what but he'll ruin my chances of something. I take a deep breath in.

 

I open the door to the fresh summer breeze and see Takeshi from art class. Takeshi is a cool guy, not a 'cool guy' but he's calm, collected and soothing to be around. He seems to know what he's doing and hates wasting his time. A bit like Tsukishima but not as stuck up because he never acts better than anyone. He knows who he is and where he is and he seems really mature for someone my age. I admire his maturity.

“Hi Takeshi! I got a confession letter” I beam because why wouldn't you.

“Sweet” he replies, leaning on the steel fence. So cool!

“I wonder if she’s going to be here soon. I'd love to see her. Who do you think it is?” I ramble. “Maybe it’s Machi, she stares at me a lot.” Everyone calls her owl-eyes. I don’t think it’s her fault that she has a tendency to stare at people but high school is ruthless and nobody gets a break. She might be a really nice person behind all that bullying.

 

“Her? You think it's a girl” he smirks. “Why would a girl wanna be with a faggot like you?” What? Did he really just call me that? That’s not okay. My chest tightens uncomfortably and I try to ignore what he said. I couldn't have misheard him, I was right next to him. I don't know what to do. I should ignore him. Maybe he was joking with me. Maa said friends make cruel jokes at each other all the time, so maybe he thinks we’re close enough to be friends?

“H-have you seen her? Is she really cute” I stumble. Oh god. No. Is it going to be like this? Is this some joke that he’s playing on me. 

 

Kageyama, I’m sorry.

 

“I’m surprised. She doesn’t seem like your type because she’s a girl and you’re a homo” he rolls his eyes at me. “You’re both wasting your time.”

“Takeshi please stop” I beg. “Kageyama and I aren’t anything, okay.”

“You must be confused then. Maybe you’re trying out homosexuality with Kageyama… that’s gross. You’re a freak and I don’t know how she likes you.” My eyes water.  I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. My feelings are weird and indescribable; I get all mushy whenever Kageyama even glances my way. I have a feeling he’s right about me. Maybe Kageyama puts up with me.

“I don’t get why you have to be so gay; just be straight like the rest of us.” I’m not normal, am I? My eyes watered and my cheeks felt wet.

 

“Is the little faggot crying?” Takeshi laughs. I want him to stop. Please stop. “I don't think your boyfriend would like that very much”

“He’s n-not my boyfriend”

“So friends hold hands and embrace regularly? He's as much of a fag as you are”

“Don't call him that!” Kageyama isn't that so don't call him that. I might be but he isn't.

“You hug him, he hugs back. You hold his hand, he holds it back… clear homo behaviour,” he rolls his eyes at me. “In fact, he's almost more queer than you because he keeps letting you and loves it too”

“Stop it!”

“Don’t deny yourself. We all know you want Kageyama’s stiff co-”

“Hi Shouyou!” the mystery girl beams. I wipe my eyes and turn around, giving her an empty smile. “Takeshi, stop being so mean. He does that sometimes, you know”

“Yeah…”

“Did you get my letter?” she asks.

“Um, yeah... I don’t know who you are, sorry”

“Me? Don’t you remember me? I’m Naomi”

 

\---------------

 

It's quite a bittersweet pill to swallow. I haven't seen Naomi in a long time and old feelings are rushing back to me faster than I can think. I'm not sure what to think right now. I still love Kageyama dearly, don't get me wrong, but Naomi actually likes me back and I have liked her before. A part of me feels like if I don't go out with her, I'll be seen as weird. Who wouldn't say yes to a girl as perfect as her… a homo would. 

 

I can't tell Kageyama ANY of this; he'd hate me for it. I hate myself for it enough for the both of us and I can't drag him down with me. He seems to be having a fucked up time without me, so to crowbar him into this mess will make it 50 times worse.

 

“Anything wrong?” Kageyama asks… of course.

“Nah, not really, I dunno” I mumble and feign nonchalance. He looks at me through the corner of his eye and looks back at the street.

“What’s wrong?” I've been caught. When did he get so good at reading me? It's not like I'm a book.

“HE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING TOO BAD” I scream. I honestly have no idea what to do to calm him down so I'm hoping that my scream will make him calmer.

“Who's he?!” Yikes.

“Takeshi,” I mumble “but he didn't confess to me; he just happened to be there.”

“Hmph”

 

“And then Naomi came in, do you know her? I never really mentioned her, did I?”

“What about her?” He knows Naomi as the sweet girl in some of his classes. She beams happiness 24/7 and is loved by everyone that breathes in her vicinity. I was quite surprised to find out that that Naomi was my Naomi from a long time ago.

“Well she confessed to me… you don't know her do you.” He doesn't really pay attention is classes so I'm not expecting him to know.

“The girl you liked ages ago. I know.” I have never brought that up in conversation with him EVER. I usually zone out when speaking to him but I know for a fact that I don't bring that up with him. He doesn't really like it when I'm closer to anyone else but him, he won't admit it but he seethes with jealousy when I do.

 

“Did I-”

“No she did,” he whispers. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“It never came up, I guess” I giggled nervously. I pretend I have no idea so we can move on from the topic all together. I don't like this side of him at all. It doesn't suit him very much.

“Yes it did. Why didn't you say anything?” 

“Well, maybe I forgot, Kageyama. I don't know alright” I grumble in annoyance. He’s pushy sometimes, you know. “Anyway, she’s really nice and understanding and cute as well.”

 

“What did the guy say to you?” He’s gonna get worried for sure. How do I even prevent this? I could sugarcoat it. I could dance around it. Or I could just not say it.

“No”

“What?”

“I’d rather not”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm totally gonna add more angst to this, don't you worry :)
> 
> \- May xx


	6. Green (Kageyama's POV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6000 words of horrible transitioning. Oh and Kageyama has the worst self-confidence and is a super confused mountain.

Naomi and Hinata are talking to each other now… I’m okay with that. No, I really am okay with that. I’m sure I’m okay with that. I’m positive.

 

_ i lied. _

 

I’m not okay. I’m not okay at all. Seeing him with her, being so happy when he could be doing the same with me… I really don’t know. 

 

I felt threatened at first. I can’t be bothered to feel such a stupid thing now. I’m not jealous anymore; I’m envious. Jealousy is reacting to the threat of losing something, I was jealous at first. However, envy is the reaction to lacking it. I’ve already lost him and I know for a fact that he isn’t coming back. Volleyball is the only way we talk now; for a couple of days, weeks, months, I don’t know, he sits with her and does everything he used to do with me but with _her._ ** _I_** don’t **_hate her_** , **_she’s got him_** and that’s something I could never do, **_I don’t_** know how but congratulations. They seem happy together and **_I’m_** not **_selfish_** enough to take that away from them. I’m probably not good enough for him either way, if nobody at Kitagawa wanted me why would anyone else want me? I haven’t even cut my hair in weeks. 

 

Here I am. Lying in my room. Staring at the ceiling: hoping something good will come out of it, feeling empty inside. Hinata was the only friend I had and I fucked that up royally. I can’t keep friends, can I? I was always the odd one out at school, the last one chosen at any sports event. I wasn’t bad at sports, never was, but everyone collectively agreed my attitude sucked and that they didn’t want me on their team. I was oblivious then. I was innocent. I’m not anymore. I know that now but I wish I didn’t find out so late. At Kitagawa, I didn’t know I was that _annoying_ _little shit_ , I was hated. I had my first panic attack.

 

\---------------

 

Being alone is alright by me. Being alone is just a way of  _ being,  _ another normal thing that frequently happened to me when I was younger. Being lonely is different. Being lonely is that feeling inside your chest you can’t shake away. Loneliness is a mindset. Loneliness is feeling completely isolated even though you have no reason to be. It’s stupid. I hate it. I hate something I can’t fight against. It’s stupid. 

 

I’m walking to school, both alone and lonely, and I could literally hear my heartbeat under my music. I got my earphones at one of those big stores with everything, I forgot its name, and almost got lost because Mummy wasn’t there. It’s embarrassing because I should be able to go around a store, by myself, at the age of 15. I’m just so dependent of her. She’s the one person who truly understands me and everything I’ve been through. I love her for that.  **_I_ ** don’t even  **_need him_ ** , I’ve got Mummy.  **_I am nothing without_ ** that woman. I  _ don’t _ need  **_him_ ** .

 

_ he’s there. _

 

Act calm, casual,  cool… everything I’m not.  _ Brush that untamed mane from your face and look a bit presentable for him.  _ **_Why_ ** ? Does he remember who I  **_am_ ** ?...  **_I_ ** feel stupid for asking that now… of course he does. He sees me,  **_like_ ** , every day. Not as much as we used to see each other, but  **_this_ ** is still okay.

 

_ it’s not. _

 

I can try and smile at him. Like he is… with her… holding  _ his _ hand.

 

_ she’s there. _

 

I want him to be as happy as can be. He’s a smiling, goofy, idiot. He’s my smiling, goofy, idiot. He should be happy, even if it’s without me.

 

_ take your earphones out. she’s there. _

 

“Hi Kageyama!” Naomi beams, strategically placing me on her right to separate me from Hinata. What a bitch.

“Hello” I mumble, looking at the ground.

“ _It’s rude_ to not look someone in the eye while they’re talking to you. You have pretty blue eyes as well, Tobio, _use_ _them_!” Naomi giggles with her mouth behind her dainty little hand. _Don’t use my first name, you vile bitch._

“You don’t usually walk this way to school” I whisper, eyes not meeting her dominant stare. Something about her puts me off. She has that odd air to her. Hinata is so good at detecting someone’s likeability by their air/aura/whateverhecallsit… how hasn’t he seen anything bad in her.

“Me and my  _ boyfriend  _ decided to take the longer way. It keeps us in each other's company for longer!” Boyfriend? Boyfriend. Even he looks surprised at her sentence, no, her word. He wasn’t going to tell me, was he?

 

\---------------

 

We stopped at the school’s gates and Naomi parted with her  _ friends.  _ The majority of the walk was silent. Breaths and the low volume of my earphones were the only thing that could be heard. Hinata glanced at me, then he looked, and then he stared. He stopped and I stopped. We stared at each other in the eyes, he looked apologetic.

“Kageyama” he says and taps me.

“Don’t touch me”

“Relax! I’m sorry. Dunno what I did but you seem pretty upset,” he sighs.  **_He’s_ ** not  **_sorry_ ** . I won't  **_forgive_ ** someone as horrid as  **_him_ ** . I am fine on my own. I pride myself in being smart enough to remove pests in my life. He moves his hands hesitantly. “... long time, huh”

“What do you want from me, shrimp?”

“Look. I never intended for it to be like this” he mumbles dejectedly.

“I know what you’re going to say,” I feel my stomach tightening. “You need to be happy, I understand. And… and you being happy has nothing to do with me”

“If I wanted to be happy, it would have everything to do with you” Hinata smiles. The school bell rings.

 

\---------------

 

What does he mean by ‘If I wanted to be happy, it would have everything to do with you’? I have been trying to decipher every word of his blatant lie for the whole school day. I’ve been getting worse at focusing in general, not just in school, and this just makes it worse. It’s got so bad that I get regular detentions for my  _ lack of effort  _ in class. Mummy seems worried but she hasn’t said anything about it (it’s not like my grades could suffer any more). 

 

What did he even mean? I mean, who does he think he is? He thinks he can just leave me without a word and then come back hoping that everything is fine and dandy. No. It just doesn’t work like that.

 

He didn’t seem like ignoring me was his true intention and I could see that but it  _ reeaallllyy _ pissed me off once I thought about it. As a  _ friend _ he should be a lot more caring and… and make an effort. You don’t just up and leave without saying a thing. It wasn’t even like we fell out.

 

He’s just stupid. I’m stupid for even thinking that he could be even better than that annoying little twerp that he was the first time we met. 

 

_ the class is over. _

 

“Kageyama. I’d like to speak with you.” Shit.

 

\---------------

 

Hinata left his homework on his desk so the teacher asked me to give it to him. I was just around and his teacher spotted me so I guess I’m taking it now. The last time I saw Hinata he was walking somewhere with Naomi. I didn’t look. Why should I? It had, and has, nothing to do with me. They’re dating now and Hinata refuses to talk to me so  **_I_ ** guess that he wants me to be out of the picture. I’m alright with that. I swear I **_am_ ** . I’m  **_not_ ** lying. Hinata and Naomi are  **_happy_ ** together. It’s break now so I guess he’ll be outside like he always is; he’s a sucker for the sun… kinda suits him, to be honest. I look around the school ground for a bit and I don’t see him…  _ weird _ . I guess he’s inside. Wait! Is that him? I turn around and look at the little pathway to the shed. That’s him and Naomi… I’m curious.

 

“Shouyou-kun, you like me don’t you” Naomi states, leading him on like he’s stupid.

“Well… yeah, but not like  _ that _ ” Hinata replies, trying not to tread on any toes like the nice person he is…  _ cunt _ .

“Well if you like me so much you’d stop talking to him” Naomi mumbles. She looks hurt enough to make Hinata feel bad.

“I’ve stopped talking to him, alright… jeez! I don’t get it! You’re mood is so wishy-washy” Hinata exhales, thinking about stuff. The thing that annoys me about him is that he never tries to be angry or mad; especially with people, it’s annoying.

“Because Shouyou-kun,” Naomi whispers. Oh my god, she’s crying. Was this the start of their conversation? How short was that? “I guess we’re good… I wasn’t expecting it to be like this. I thought you would… no it doesn’t matter. We’ll be happy together, alright”

“Um… yeah”

“I just… don’t want my first relationship to be the worst, you know” Naomi sighs and Hinata looks really confused and really guilty. He has too much sympathy.

“Yeah…”

“And I’m only trying my best for us… remember that Shouyou-kun. Sometimes you make me feel like everything is just… gonna be the worst, you know” Naomi. I knew something was off with her! Hinata won’t say anything but at least I know.

“Okay”

“But don’t think I hate you” she smiles and gives Hinata a hug… he has to hug back, it’d make him guilty if he didn’t

 

_ Seems like the exact opposite to me. _

 

\---------------

 

“I’m sorry about what happened to you today” Hinata apologised. I had detention today. I was barely paying attention to the lesson, I guess… whoops? Why was he apologising, though? He didn’t do anything wrong.

“It’s alright,” I lied. It’s really not  _ alright.  _ “It happens all the time.”

“That doesn’t make it any better… Tobio,” he hesitates. “Is it alright if I call you that?”

“No.”  _ don’t listen to me. _

“Okay Ka-ge-ya-ma” he beams. “I understand you don’t feel like talking so I’ll do it for you, okay?”

“Okay”

“I’m getting new knee-pads soon! Maa said that my other ones are getting old and that I’m getting taller. I didn’t know I was getting taller! Have you noticed?”

“I haven’t.” I would if you were around me a lot more.

“Anyway. She said that she might get me another kit as well. Oh! She also said that she’d like to see you again today. Is that okay?”

“Yeah”

“Are you sure? I mean, wouldn’t your parents ask where you are”

“I’ll text them” I sigh, getting my phone out. Mummy would say yes; I don’t have many friends (I don’t have any).

“Are you sure?”

“Do you want me to go or not?”

“Yeah. Just making sure!” He’s too happy and it annoys me.

 

**_Me 16:45_ **

Can I go to Hinata’s house?

 

**_Mummy 16:45_ **

Of course baby

 

“She said yes” I said and put my phone in my pocket.

“Yay! Natsu has been asking about you for  _ ages.  _ She’s always like ‘where’s nii-san, aniki? He was super friendly.’” Friendly? Not with my resting bitch face.

“That’s nice”

“Natsu really likes you…” Hinata beams. Is it weird that a tiny 6-year-old is making me really happy. Babies and pets usually stay away from me: I hate it and it’s stupid but my face is quite scary.

“I haven’t seen you smile in a long time” Hinata smirks with that dreamy look on his face.

“No” I scoff, face heating up. Fuck him.

“You’re stupid” he teases and runs off.

“HINATA!” I chase after him. What’s wrong with me? I missed this. 

 

\---------------

 

“Hello Maa” Hinata beams.

“Sorry for the intrusion” I mumble. Hinata’s house always smells like happiness.

“Nii-san! I missed you soo much” Natsu screams and runs up to me, hugging my legs.

“Well thanks” Hinata scoffs taking off his shoes. 

 

“Where did you go, nii-san? You can’t just leave people! That’s mean!” Natsu pouts.

“I’m sorry” I can’t believe I’m apologising to a child.

“It’s okay! We can make it up by playing together all day, okay?”

“I’m not sure I can do all day” I hesitate.

“Awww,” Natsu makes the puppy dog eyes that older-Hinata makes when he wants something. “We’ll play for a long time then, okay?”

“Maybe…”

“Please”

“Alright”

 

Children are weird.

 

\---------------

 

“Naomi and I are really close! She’s such a nice person!” Am I stupid or was that Hinata a clone from another planet? He was there! She said the things!

“But at bre-” What am I saying? He didn’t even know I was there. He probably thinks I was spying.

“She was just telling me that we’re really close! She does that all the time” Hinata says, dismissing my half-finished sentence.

“You know that’s not normal, right?”

“What do you mean?” The door opens and in comes his mum.

 

“What are you boys up to?” Hinata’s mum is a nice lady. Whenever I’m here she cooks my favourite stuff so I can’t complain. Plus, she’s super friendly.

“Kageyama’s being stupid, like usual” Hinata mumbles. I smack him on the head.

“I’m not stupid”

“What’s the discussion?”

“Naomi is evil and Shouyou doesn’t believe me”

“She is  **_not_ ** ” Hinata counters, staring me in the eye. Hinata’s mum laughs.

 

“Akane is coming in 5 minutes any way so we’ll ask her for a third opinion, hm?” She waves and exits the room. Akane better agree with me or else.

 

\---------------

 

“Hey Shou! Hey Tobio!” Akane beams.

“Kageyama is stupid”

“Nice. Not even an introduction.”

“Hello Akane- _ chan _ , Kageyama is stupid!”  _ Wow! I’m hurt! _ Akane sits down on the sofa and gives me a smirk.

“What did you do this time Tobi-kun? A little lover’s spat,  _ hmmmmmm? _ ”

“N-no. Hinata  _ insists _ that Naomi is a nice person when she’s not,” I state and sit next to Akane. “Besides, what do you see in her?”

 

_ that sounds a bit odd. _

 

“I’ve heard of this Naomi character once and she seems nice. What could be the problem, Tobio?  _ Jealous? _ ”

“Take this serious for a couple minutes,” I sigh. Akane thinks I have romantic feelings for that stupid, orange, ugly, short, and misplaced middle-blocker. Hinata sits down. “Naomi gives me an uneasy feeling everytime I see her.”

“Like I said before,  _ idiot _ , she’s really nice” Hinata mumbles. Akane smirks.

“I’m a psychologist so just tell me about her and how she interacts with people and we’re good from there” Akane says, making herself comfortable in the living room. She never seemed like a psychologist type person (I barely know her).

 

I turn to face her. I really hate telling people my feelings: it's uncomfortable. I feel like they're judging me. I find the concept of getting to know someone really scary… I've never really done that before. I tell her anyway. She can help and it's not like her outlook on me is gonna be any worse. I've got nothing to lose.

 

\---------------

 

“She must be a psychopath then” Akane ponders. That's not what I was thinking. I just thought she was a strange person and that Hinata shouldn't hang around with her.

“Isn't that a bit harsh?” Hinata seems slightly uncomfortable that we're nonchalantly calling his friend a psycho.

“Oh no, honey-bun. I was completely thorough and, even though I don't have my notebook with me, all of the symptoms seem to be there”

“Symptoms?” we say in unison like weirdos.

“Yep! Like a typical psychopath: she is really good at manipulation, using her charm to get what she wants, faking emotion, you know, normal psycho stuff”

“But I can still be friends with her, right?” Hinata asks, face full of hope.

“I mean… you  _ could _ but it's not recommended. She'll probably use you or already is. The worst kinda psychopath is the one that's full of themselves and feels superior… if she's that then she's already using you to make her feel important”

 

Deafening silence.

 

“Sorry! Did I crush your dreams?” Akane laughs, completely forgetting that she's talking to a sensitive teenage boy and not a full-grown adult.

“Yes! I was hoping for another friend but all that's going to happen is that in going to get hurt…  _ that's lovely of you, Akane-sama _ ”

“I've gotta go right now, I'm terribly sorry. It's a client. I'll see you later boys, alright! Don't do anything stupid” Akane beams and gives us a friendly wave before getting her things.

 

The front door shuts.

“Do you still think she's the lady in chan-”

“Stop”

 

\---------------

 

Hinata and I spoke about Naomi for a while. But, because we have short attention spans, we didn’t talk about her for long. It’s alright though, because the conversation was good.

 

“And then Natsu said that I should have a tea party with her” I giggled.

“No way! I wish I was there for that” Hinata roars in laughter.

“You really don’t” I scoff.

“Who let you decide, hmm,” he teases. “Besides, Natsu can be demanding so I’m glad you handled it very well… I thought that was something that only dad could do”

“What do you mean  _ handled? _ ” Is there a hidden demon inside this child? And why is his dad so good at  _ handling _ her?

“You don’t need to know”

“I need to”

“You and Natsu were so cute!” He’s stubborn.

“I’m not cute,” I frown. Hinata puts his head on my shoulder and breathes in slowly. It's getting kinda late. I should be getting home right now but my house is so quiet and unfinished compared to Hinata's. He has a dad for Pete's sake! I feel far more comfortable with everyone here. 

 

“Do you find me weird?” Hinata looks up at me. Weird? That’s the last word I’d use to describe Hinata and his perfect life. Calling Hinata weird is like calling him tall; it’s not true.

“No”

“Took a while”

“I was thinking of stuff”

“Hm”

 

That’s the first insecurity he’s had that’s not related to height or volleyball. I know I shouldn’t, but I like that.

 

Silence resonates through the room. Hinata’s silence is the only silence that I welcome fully with no complaints. It rarely happens so that makes me enjoy it even more. His breathing is low and slow enough for me to close my eyes to. It’s stupid. He’s stupid. I’m stupid.

 

“You didn’t really say no did you,” I whisper, still thinking about the whole Naomi predicament at the back of my mind. “You probably said ‘I’m not ready yet’ or some shit like that”

“Yeah... but that’s not the point” he replies sharply, pouting.

“You don’t change, do you,” I smile and he puts his hand on me. My breath slows and my heart-rate follows. “You’re too nice for your own good”

 

**Bzzzt! Bzzzt! Bzzzt! Bzzzt!**

 

That’s Mummy. She’s the only person that calls me (apart from Hinata, but I have to ask him). I search for the phone and put it to my ear.

“Tobio. I know how you feel about him, but could you come over? You’re stepfather's in town.” I look over at Hinata who cringes at the word.

“I’m sorry, Mummy, but I don’t want to go home to him again,” I sigh. “How long is he here for?” Hinata looks sorry. What for? He didn’t do anything.

 

“A day. He’s only stopping here” she says, voice shaking slightly. What did he do to her?

“Are you okay”

“Don’t worry about me, Tobi. I’m okay!” Liar. She hangs up.

 

“My stepdad is in town”

“You seem pretty upset”

“Don't worry about it”

 

_ I missed this. _

 

\---------------

 

I’m staying at Hinata’s now. I'm laying on a futon on the ground because I'd rather be here than anywhere else. I didn’t really expect this to happen but I don’t want to go home. I mean, my current stepdad is better than my other one… but it wasn’t like you couldn’t improve. He reminds me of Naomi.

 

Whatever. Staying at Hinata's makes me feel good. I feel welcomed at his house more than I do at mine. I really like Hinata for that. I mean… not like  _ that _ . I bet he  _ likes  _ me though. He acts different towards me than anybody else.  That makes my stomach feel tight and I know that's not anxiety. It feels a good tight… I'm a weirdo. Why does Hinata make me feel this way? What’s his problem? I’ve gotta be all nice and protective and mushy around him and I feel better about myself. What? I don't get him.

 

The bathroom is only there. I'll get up and wash my face; I feel weird on this futon. I should go downstairs and take all my blankets with me too.

 

I arrive in the bathroom and splash my face with cold water. I don't know how but it makes me feel a lot better. What is it with cold water that makes you feel content? Cold showers and ice baths make feel at ease for some odd reason. I know I'm being weird but it holds true for me.

 

Going back to the bedroom, I take the blankets and the pillows from the bed in Hinata’s room, trying not to make any noise. He’s a fairly heavy sleeper so I should be safe. I slowly grab the knob of the door and turn my head to see if he’s still sleeping. He is. Good. 

“Where are you going, Kageyama?” Shit. He still sounds sleepy. Maybe he wasn’t sleeping. How did he look so convincing?

“Downstairs”

“Just sleep here” he grumbles, shifts a bit, and pats beside him, weariness weighing him down.

“I guess” I shrug. Why not? I drop all the bedding and slide into his bed. It’s a lot comfier than the floor, that's for sure. He pulls his blanket over me and keeps his arm wrapped around me. He’s already snoring. I push back into him to get more warmth. Hinata’s always warm. It’s not just his personality and smile that beams. Hinata just makes me feel warm all over. It's hard to explain. Not just that, it’s weird to explain my feelings (and for a guy as well). Ugh!

 

Hinata snuggles up to me some more, wrapping his legs and arms around me to make sure I don't leave him ever again. I won't. Why would I even do that? I feel safe in Hinata’s arms. Shit, that sounds mushy. I mean, I feel good.  **Oh my god!** There’s no point in even censoring my thoughts when they're just going to come back to me. I mean, it's kinda true so I have no problem telling myself shit like this. It’s not like I'm lying to myself to keep anyone happy, am I? Hinata’s Hinata and he’ll keep being the same old guy from before, I've just noticed him a lot more. That's all. Yep. That’s it.

 

My eyes feel droopy as he encompasses me in his warmth. I could probably sleep a full day like this. His drool slides on my hair but I've stopped caring because I needed to wash it anyway. I find it adorable when he does that. I mean drool, not get my hair dirty (I wouldn't find that so adorable). He's incredibly quirky and optimistic and he makes my pessimism and anxiety calm down to just… bask in his glow, you know. It's nice forgetting all that. You just forget everything with someone and just be happy. I haven't felt happy in a long time. My eyes shut and it’s the only time I feel comfortable sleeping. 

 

I bet I annoy him with the late night calls. I'm sure I do. It just feels good to call him and think about what he said to me for the night instead of focusing on something bad. I like that about him. He's great. My eyes stay shut for a couple minutes and my body feels heavy. This bed is comfy. Yeah. Hinata is soft. Nice.

 

_ what would my step dad say? _

 

Shit. What the fuck? No. No. No. No. I don’t want to know. I don’t need to know. Go back to sleep. Go bACK. Why am I scared? He’s not here. Why am I scared? He doesn't care about me. Why am I scared? Fear seeps in, gripping me tight and not letting go. My heart squeezes uncomfortably tight and I try and regain my composure. Calm. Stay calm. I can’t catch my breath. I can't breathe. I'm choking on air. My chest squeezes even tighter and all I can do is grab what's around me: the bed, the blanket, Hinata. Ground yourself, Tobio!

 

Apprehension sinks in like an anchor and stays there. I can't do anything. I'm scared. Oh my god. I'm terrified. All I can do is sit trapped here as my whole body panics at a threat that isn't there. Holy fuck. I can’t think straight. He hates me.  _ He hates me.  _ Why does that frighten me? Why does that make me feel awful? Shit. I shouldn’t even care. I mustn’t care. But I do. What happened to make me like this? What the fuck is happening?

 

“Kageyama” Hinata whispers. 

 

_ don't look at me! _

 

“It’s alright. I'm here, just breathe okay” he whispers and squeezes me tight. I feel sick. I feel dizzy. I feel horrible.

 

_ i can't. i can't. _

 

Hinata rests his head on my shoulder. My nausea subsiding slightly. I feel utterly helpless. I feel like I’m collapsing from the inside-out. He's not even  _ here _ .

“I’m so sorry” I whisper. Why did I do that? I look like a fucking idiot. Am I crying? Stop it. Don't cry in front of him. What am I doing? I'm losing control of my own body. I can't do anything but experience the worst thing imaginable. Because of my stepdad that I barely see.

“Shh. I’m here” Hinata whispers against my ear, breath tickling my flesh. I bet he hates me. I hate myself too.

 

“Don't leave.” Is that me speaking?

“I won't again, okay. I'm staying right here with you, alright”

 

A part of me doesn't believe him. I feel like he’s just going to leave me: just like my dad. Just like all of my uncountable stepdads did. Just like my friends. Just like everyone else did at Kitagawa. For fucks sake my life repeats itself and I  _ never _ see it coming. What the fuck is wrong with me? I can't breathe.

 

_ it’s going to happen. stop deluding yourself. _

 

My whole body tenses and twitches. I'm going to fucking die, aren’t I? My heart and chest hurt violently. I can't bear it. It's agony. What if Hinata hates me like my stepdads did? What if Hinata can’t bear me but just wants a replacement for Naomi? What if he really doesn’t care about anything I have to say? What if I’m not good enough to be a friend of his? I can't stop it. I can't stop this.  _ Why? _

 

“Kageyama. Don’t worry, everybody cries sometimes,” he whispers, sincerity in his voice. All I can do is gasp for the air that’s not reaching me and grasp at him. I don’t want to touch him but I am. Why? “Do you want anything? To eat, drink.” I shuffle onto my back and stare at the ceiling. My eyes and face are red and I’m trembling. Shivers and chills rush over my body. I'm literally in hell. I can't let him see my face. It's really pathetic. The worst is that he’s there, pretending he cares about me. Stop it.

 

_ he can see you. you’re stupid for thinking he would care. _

 

I feel like there are insects crawling on me. They’re everywhere. On my skin, in my stomach. I hate it. It’s stupid. I itch everywhere. I'm a nervous wreck. My step dad hates me.

 

“It’s okay” Hinata beams. I shut my eyes, wetness trickles down my face. It’s not okay. It’s not going to be alright. I know there’s nothing to be afraid of, but what if it happens. What if he leaves me. For fuck’s sake calm down. Don't be stupid, Tobio. 

 

This continues for minutes on end. I shiver, shake, snivel, sob and Hinata comforts me. I could tell he didn't want to be there (no-one does). Hinata is far too kind. I feel like, after everything he's done, I should call him  _ Shouyou _ .  _ Shouyou _ .  _ My Shouyou _ . I shouldn't be attached, it's not good for my health to be, but I can't help it. He's my only friend.

 

I breathe in. I take in my surroundings. It calms me. My panic attacks are a lot longer than this. I'm calming down now. Has it stopped? They usually make me shiver uncontrollably for hours after. It might not be hours it feels like it. 

 

_ you’re crying in Shouyou’s bed _

 

I need to leave now. I have no idea where I’m going to but I need to go. I throw the blanket off me and put my feet on the freezing floor. I don’t know where I’m going. I’ve been in his home a couple times but I never paid attention to the layout.

“Kageyama, where are you going?” Shouyou grabs my wrist. For fuck’s sake. I want to run away from him like I do for everything. Everything I touch turns shitty and I can stand watching things burn to a crisp. I do it so much that I really don’t want to do it again. I learned a lot and I’m smart enough to know that you should learn from your mistakes.

“Stay. I’m not bothered if you’re crying” Shouyou says, more awake.

 

He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get it. He never will. I need to leave before it gets worse. I can’t be here. I want to be alone.

 

“Right, don’t look at me like that. I’m trying to help and you’re being a bitch about it,” Shouyou scowls, grip around my wrist tightening. “Let’s be mature people and actually talk about it, hmm?” Condescending prick.

“Piss off! Let me go!” I scream and struggle against his grip.

“Don’t scream such things at night!” Pervert.

“Let me go then”

“Yeah no. Sit down, you’re not going anywhere.” His know-it-all face pisses me off so much I hate it. I might as well sit down, it’s not the time or place to pick arguments (I’m too tired). The bed squeaks under my weight and Shouyou smirks.

 

“Don’t feel embarrassed about crying! I cry all the time and I’ve never been embarrassed!”

“You’re shameless” I mutter. I hate it. It’s stupid.

“That’s not…  _ completely true _ ” Shouyou says drawing out the last two words. It’s completely true. Such denial.

“This is pointless”

“No! No it’s not. What I’m trying to say is that, um, crying is alright with me. You don’t look stupid, I swear by it” Shouyou states, looking determined to his word. Whenever people look like that they’re lying. Yet, I feel as if Shouyou wouldn’t lie to me. We stare at each other for a while, not saying anything while Shouyou still has a hold of my hand. 

 

He’s persistent and stubborn and it fucking annoys me to no end. He shouldn’t get to know me, it’ll only hurt us both and… and maybe that’s for the best, you know. If we just avoid each other and pretend we never existed than this would all be resolved and we’d all be happy. I don’t need friends. I went through years and years of not having any friends that I could easily do it. Shouyou has other, better friends, I’m not needed.

 

“I have anxiety… that was a panic attack.” **Oh my god** . I wasn’t supposed to say that. Why did I say it? Have I been possessed? I literally just stated that I wouldn’t make an attempt to get-to-know him and I just did it. What am I even doing?

“Are you okay?” Don’t fucking pity me. I’m not a charity case.

“No” I whisper and start to tear up. I’m in no control of my emotions anymore, it’s scary. Hinata makes me do and feel odd things. 

 

He wraps his arms around me and traps me in an embrace. All I can do is hug back and cry into his shoulder like a little bitch. Why am I like this? What even made me like this? Hinata appeared and now I’ve been acting all mushy now. No, I don’t like him like  **_that_ ** , I swear. I’m not gay… I don’t think so. I’m not allowed to be, I know my stepdad  **hates** it so I can’t afford to like another guy like  **_that_ ** . Shouyou has a dad that cares enough to be there for his kids and then there’s my dad. I don’t even know him. I bet he hates me… probably why he left.

 

“You’re thinking too much” Shouyou giggles and pulls back to look at my face. I hate when he looks at me; it makes me so self-conscious and my face heats up too much for its own good.

“I’m sorry” I reply. What am I even sorry for?

“Don’t make such a face in my bedroom… giving me the eyes and all” Shouyou whispers and his eyes look hazy. What face?

“What do you mean by that?”

“Don't act so innocent, you know exactly what you're doing, idiot” he purrs. He grabs my face and pulls me closer to him: I can feel his breath on my lips. It makes me feel so dirty. I don't know why. The fact that another guy has his lips so close to mine makes me feel all kinds of good in a way it shouldn't. I'm impure. He’s gonna pull back and laugh that I'm getting so flustered, that's what he always does. We'll be so close and then he'd brush it off like I was the only one thinking that way. 

 

But it's not that way now. Instead of pulling away, he pulls me even closer and our lips connect. He kissed me. His lips are on mine. They're softer than I imagined. What do I do now? He pulls back and my face is beet red. 

“That was my first kiss you bastard!” I sound mad but a part of me wants more. The fuck’s wrong with me?

“I… was it? I always thought you at least had a girlfriend at one point” Shouyou states in astonishment. What's that even supposed to mean?

“No.” He kissed someone else before me and that makes me upset. Why? He pulls me in again with a lot more intensity. His soft lips are all over me and I just  _ melt _ in his arms. I want more.  **_More._ ** I sound like a petulant child. Shouyou groans and his breathing quickens. I feel hot all over. Is this what kissing feels like? He slips his tongue in my mouth.  **_He slips his tongue into my mouth._ ** It feels so weird. I bite him. That's not something you do. You can't put your tongue in places they don't belong. I know that he knows that I did that on purpose. Good.

 

Shouyou pulls back and covers his mouth.

“That really hurt” Shouyou mumbles, almost unintelligible. 

“Get a tissue. I’ll wait” I whisper, because it’s the middle of the night and all we’ve doing is shouting. I want him to get out. I know it’s his room but I want him out. He leaves. Good. I fall back on his bed and close my eyes. He kissed me. He kissed and I liked it and I did nothing about it. I thought I’d at least fight back but all I did was… I dunno. What’s wrong with me? I’ll just sleep on the couch downstairs and then leave when the morning comes. I need to avoid him as much as possible.

 

_ the fuck is wrong with me? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Kageyama POV or not? I enjoyed writing this and it let me experiment with a narrator that didn't glorify everything the other person did. Volleyball was mentioned, like, twice. And, like always, I'm sorry.


	7. Brown (Kageyama's POV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobio is really confused.

I’m going to volleyball. But! This time, I’m making a conscious effort to strategically avoid Shouyou… It’s going to work because I used big words. If you think I’m joking I’m not because I won’t stop until he  **knows** that I’m avoiding him. If he clearly knows then he’ll stop. He’s stubborn but he’s not  **that** stubborn. Shouyou can stick around for a bit, but after a couple days, he’ll have to go.

 

We’re practicing setting and spiking right now.... That is a very bad thing. Shouyou will get all excited and trust me to spike the ball in the exact place he wants it. He doesn’t close his eyes anymore, though. 

 

There he is. Running up. Jumping now. The ball comes directly at me and I just stare at it (which is better than staring at Shouyou). He’s still up there… trusting. Good for him, I guess. The ball is very detailed. I can see, in the corner of my eye, Shouyou’s stopping now. He’s lost his momentum and so has the ball. It drops to my feet.

 

“I’m a bit out of it, can I take a break?” I turn around to face Suga.

“...Go ahead”

“Of course you want a break when  **_I_ ** spike” Shouyou states, eyes squinting incriminatingly. I ignore him (anything new) and sit on the bench.

 

Tsukishima laughs. Practice continues.

 

I’m avoiding him. It’s obvious to  **everyone** that breathes oxygen, but I want him to know that  **_I’m_ ** not  **_interested_ ** in anything he has to say or think or feel. I don't care so he shouldn't; that's how it works. If someone stops trying then you stop trying too! That's how it’s supposed to be! If I avoid him then it’ll be like he never happened and it’ll be normal. Besides, I didn’t want him as a friend; he pushed his way into my personal space far too much. He pretty much forced his way into my life. I wanted to be alone but he existed so now that's not allowed. Who does he even think he is? Thinking that I care about what he has to say. Also, that kiss yesterday was uncalled for. I don’t ask for him to do those things with me, he just does. I mean, if I asked it would be another story, wouldn’t it?

 

I take a sip of my water.

 

There he is… speaking to people. I don’t care. I really don’t. I really  _ really _ don’t. He can speak to anyone he wants except me because I don’t care and I find him stupid. He’s stupid for even wanting to speak to me. Why would you want to talk to me if you hate me so much? If he finds me so annoying, why is he hanging around me so much? He’s stupid. He even kissed me and put his tongue in my mouth; the fucking creep. I didn’t ask for that… hey… isn’t that sexual assault. Um… Practice is over. Good.

  
  


“Kageyama! Let’s go a-” Shouyou shouts. No thanks. I take my stuff and walk to the opposite end, to the changing room, avoiding eye contact with him. His spirit is lessening so he’ll eventually stop trying to talk to me. When he stops talking to me it’ll be back to normal. I don’t even know what normal is without Shouyou there anymore but I know it’ll be better than what’ll happen. Besides, I’ll be happier that way. I’m certain of it.

 

“Isn’t that a bit harsh, Kageyama” Daichi laughs, the whole scene looks ridiculous from a stranger’s point of view. I shake my head and continue to get dressed.

 

_ This is for the best. _

 

“So why are you ignoring him?” Suga probes.

“An argument” I sigh.

“You could at least look at him” Daichi smirks while peeling off the tape on his fingers.

“How would you know when to patch things up?” Suga asks.

“When I feel like it”

 

\--------------- 

 

I’m walking home alone, which feels oddly empty because Shouyou usually says his strange things and then we hit each other and then laugh at how stupid we are but now it’s silent and odd. It was always like this before but now it feels like it never was. The silence is downright terrifying. I have my earphones in, but I still feel like it’s silent. 

 

I'm not talking. I've got no-one to talk  _ to _ . I really don't like that. I’m usually spending most of my time talking to him that it feels like, when I'm not talking to him, it’s really odd. What if he never speaks to me? I know that’s what I want but what if he just stops trying? That’s what I want him to do but a part of me doesn’t. It’s for the best, I know that, but I still feel some apprehension. I don’t want him to talk to me, but if he stops talking to me, would that be it? It would but would it? I feel like, no matter what I do, it won’t end right… but I’m trying. I really am but I don’t understand any of it. Will he still like me after all this? Will he even care? Do I even want to know?  Yes . I just  _ fail _ at everything. I can’t do anything right. I don’t know what to do.

 

I’m at my home now anyway. Mummy will calm me down… like she always does. She’ll say nice things and calm me down and it’ll be alright. Yeah… 

 

I unlock the door and see  _ him _ . Not Shouyou but  _ him _ .

“Hey Tobio, are you alright? I’m talking to your da-”

“He’s not my dad” I blurt.

“Oh… uh… anyway, how’s Shouyou?” Mummy asks, a soft smile on her face.

“Dunno” I mumble and go straight to my room. Why am I doing that? I stop in the middle of the stairs. I overhear them talk.

 

“Is he in  _ that _ mood again?” my step dad asks.

“Yeah… it hasn’t happened in a while… teenage hormones, I guess” she giggles. 

 

I walk up the rest of the stairs and fall on the bed. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe it’s just  _ teenage hormones _ . Mummy is usually right so I guess I am overreacting... But I don’t feel like I’m overreacting. I feel like I’m doing the right thing, because I am, and he’s just gonna…  _ you know _ , like everyone else has so there’s no point in even getting close to him. There’s no point. It’s fucking hopeless and I hate it, it’s so stupid. I feel like surrounding myself with people that don't care about me, so then I don't have to care about them and then it’ll all be okay, because no-one would get hurt… like Tsukishima or something  _ (wow I said that) _ . I know  _ it’s _ going to happen but I feel like I know Shouyou enough to know that he wouldn’t but he would and I just… I feel like I’ll get fucked over, you know. Shouyou is a nice person but so was everyone else at Kitagawa… wonder what happened there? I clutch my volleyball. What did I do wrong? I feel like I’m just a burden and that nobody wants me because nobody does and it’s suffocating. I don’t understand what I did wrong but at the same time I do. I know I  was am a horrible person. 

 

_ don’t cry _

 

I already am. My thoughts are getting worse. I thought I was getting better, I thought it was all ok. Why is this happe-

“Tobio are you okay?” Mummy peers in from the doorway.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m taking a shower now”

 

\--------------- 

 

I couldn’t sleep all night. I couldn’t do it. I would take small hour naps and wake up, covered in sweat. I’m just happy that I could rest my eyes a bit; social networking sites get boring after a couple minutes. I woke up an hour before I usually do and I didn’t want to sleep again because I might not wake up to my alarm. When I wanna sleep in bed, in the morning, I can blink and a whole hour can pass in an instant. It’s stupid. What’s with that? Why does time do that? Whatever.

 

I’m in the middle of my morning routine and I’m in no rush because the sun’s not even all the way up. I ate breakfast a couple minutes ago so now I’m brushing my teeth. People that don’t brush their teeth twice-a-day, for 2 minutes are weird. You have a lot of things in your mouth during the day and you just…  _ don’t _ . It’s weird. It’s not even hygienic take your life serious. I rinse my toothbrush and set it in my little cup.

 

I look in the mirror. What am I supposed to do with my fringe? I can’t be bothered to cut it right now but it’s on my face and it’s  **super** annoying. I don’t wanna put it up because that’s too much effort.  **_Headband!_ ** That’s what Asahi does, isn’t it? Yeah. Mummy has lots of the stretchy, plain ones, maybe I can get away with it. 

 

I walk into her room and she’s in her bed on her phone.

“You’re awake?” Mummy looks at me in surprise. I sit next to her.

“I couldn’t sleep too well” I mumble and rub my eyes.

“Ok hun” she hums.

“Can I have a headband”

“Of course baby. Would you like me to do it for you?” She switches off her phone and places it on the side table. 

“Uh… okay” I turn around so she can do her things. To be honest, I’ve never done anything with my hair other than cut it. It's never gone past my ears before. There’s a lot of rustling in the background.

“One second. I rarely use headbands,” she says, rustling through her drawers. “Found it”

 

Mummy messes around with my hair for a bit. I think she’s only doing that because she hasn’t done that for a while since I was a kid. She would always ruffle my hair whenever I did something good but I got older so I stopped liking it. When you grow up, your parents become embarrassments… well,  _ parent _ . Her fingers feel nice in my hair and, because she’s a woman, she knows exactly what she’s doing. She knows everything so I always ask her to do stuff.

“Have you eaten?”

“Yes”

“Did you brush your teeth?”

“Yes”

“Good boy” she smirks and pats my head. It feels really nice when she praises me. People (Shouyou) say she treats me like a dog but I don’t feel like she does.

 

“Thinking about that boy” Mummy smiles, utter innocence and joy, and gets out of bed.

“No”

“If you have anything to tell me I’ll always be available, okay”

 

\---------------

 

I came to school quite early. If you wake up early, it’s a waste to be late (that’s what Mummy says). I’ll sit alone today, again, and go on my phone until the bell rings. I should probably go to my homeroom.

“Oh Tobio, is that you?” A high-pitched voice asks. I turn around. It’s Naomi.

“No. No, it’s not”

“Don’t be so rude,” she giggles. “Have you seen Shouyou?”

“No, sorry” I’m not even lying.

 

“Let’s talk for a while before he comes, ok” she beams and beckons me. I feel like everyone’s staring at me (I’m a tall guy talking to a cute girl) so I guess I have to.

“Your hair looks cute today” Naomi smiles, fully transparent in her niceness. Weird. I wasn’t expecting her to do that. I was thinking she'd be a vessel of pure unadulterated evil but apparently not.

“Thanks...” Why am I blushing? Is it because she’s complimenting me? I made an effort today, that’s probably why. She’s never been this nice. I don't know what to do.

“But don’t go telling people I give compliments away that easily. I’m only doing that because you made an effort!” Such a tsundere. Her mood is so wishy-washy.

 

“How are you today?” Naomi asks, smiling rainbows and puppies.

“I’m fine… how are you?” This is awkward.

“I’m feeling amazing today” she beams absolute joy and pancakes.

“...nice.” What am I supposed to say? I really don’t talk to a lot of people outside of the usual and Naomi is being nicer than I thought she would be. Is she only psychotic towards Shouyou? She starts laughing. What did I say wrong? What did I do?

“You’re really bad at socialising with people” Naomi laughs.

“Stop it,” I mumble in utter defeat. She’s not wrong. “There’s Shouyou,” I say and nudge Naomi.

“When did you start calling him that?”

“Doesn’t matter! He’s there.”

 

Why can't I talk to people normally?

 

\--------------- 

 

I sorta paid attention in class. That’s good. Classes were boring but I did it to make the time pass; it gave me something to do and I learned something so… it’s not all bad. I’m going to volleyball early. I’m having an early streak so why should I break it? Besides, Mummy says it’s a good habit to get into. If Mummy says it’s good then it must be good.

“Hey, Tobio!” Oh, it’s Shouyou… wait. THAT’S A BAD THING! Ignore! Ignore! Ignore!

 

“I’m talking to you!” His voice seemed to rise as I walk faster. I can’t talk to him. I just can’t. He doesn’t like me. I ignored him for so long. What does he think of me?

“Hey! Stop it! Wait!” No thanks. 

“Tobio wait up!” He grabs me.  **Oh my god** could you not?!

“Can we talk for a minute!” Shouyou looks me straight in the eye. I can’t. His look just screams intensity. I shouldn’t be doing this. He needs to leave.

“Get off me!” I scream and push him off. 

“Not until you tell me why!” he shouts, calming down just a bit. He’s upset. He’s upset at me. “What did I do wrong? Why can’t we talk about it?” I don’t want to.

“Leave me alone.” I’m a burden.

“What’s wrong? I really wanna figure this out, okay. Let’s talk abou-”

“Piss off!”  Don’t.

“The fuck is your problem?! I’m trying to be nice here” 

“I don’t want to talk to you.”  I do, that’s the problem. He stays silent. He stares at me, it actually makes me feel really self-conscious. He grabs the back of my head and pulls me closer. Stop it. I punch him in the face.

 

\---------------

 

“Mummy… I did something bad.”

 

I’m home now. I’m just gonna forget the rest of the day  _ never _ happened and that I never had my fist connect with his cheek. But I just can’t. I feel so guilty. I feel like it’s all my fault. He’s definitely trying not to talk to me… it’s like a virus or something. Mummy looks worried. Why can’t I do anything right?

 

“I punched Shouyou in the face.”

 

She bursts out in laughter. First of all, it’s not funny. Second of all, stop laughing. This is a bad situation that I’m in and she seems to be having the time of her life right now. I’m not.

“I-I’m sorry to... hear that,” she continues to snicker. “Seriously Tobio. What did you do?”

“I’m not lying. I punched him in the face.” She looks at me for a solid minute and giggles. I’ve never seen her laugh so much in my life. She laughs for a solid minute, clutching her stomach and all, and I just sit there. I’m not laughing because it’s not funny. I used to hate him but I never did that with so much…  _ intent _ . It scared me that that was the first thing I thought I should do. She stops laughing gradually.

 

“What should I do?”

“Say sorry, obviously. I think I raised you good enough to understand that, after punching someone in the face, you say sorry” she says, her voice on the edge of laughter. 

 

Right.

 

I run up the stairs to my room. I collapse onto my bed and hug my volleyball. His name’s Hayate. He understands me. I usually squeeze him when I don’t know what to do; like a stress ball. Sometimes, I’ll toss him in the air when I’m bored. I don’t remember how long I’ve had him for.

 

**Bzzt!**

 

Oh! A text. Who’s it from? I take my phone from my pocket and look at my phone’s screen.

 

**Hinata 16:38**

calling you

 

Oh no, he’s no-

 

**Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt!**

 

I answer.

 

“You bastard” Shouyou growls. I fucked up.

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

“I’m joking, but I’m not. My face really hurts… thanks. Paa said I should’ve punched you back. I didn’t want to… I don’t know why you punched me but knowing you, you’d never tell me. You’re an idiot” Shouyou rambles. I can hear him flop on his couch or bed.

“I’m not an idiot”

“And you were avoiding me”

“I wasn’t” I lie. I was. Shouldn’t I not be speaking to him right now? I need to apologise but after that, I need to leave.

“And I’m not ginger,” he laughs. “If you don’t like me you can just say. I don’t know what I did”

“I don’t…  **_hate_ ** you”

“I’m sorry if I did anything wrong” he sighs.

“No! You… you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m-” I stop myself mid-sentence. I’m what? Stupid? Yes. Very. And an idiot? Yes. Shouyou doesn’t need to know that.

“Even if you don’t like me, at least toss to me… don’t be so rude!” Of course, he cares primarily about volleyball.

“I guess you like volleyball more than me” I scoff without even realising it. Well fuck!

“If you don’t like me I’ve got to have a backup plan,” he beams and I can actually  _ hear _ his grin. That’s not a thing to be happy about. “Ouch! That hurts my cheek”

“Hey! I said I’m sorry. Besides, I don’t like it when people get too close to me.”

 

Was that? Shouyou stays silent on the phone. I can hear the cogs in his brain whirring. This is so awkward.

“You really mean that, don’t you?”

“N-no”

“It’s not like I’m a bad person! I’m really nice  _ I swear _ . I never thought you were like  _ that _ but it makes sense now”

“Like what?”

“Doesn’t matter! Nice talk!”

 

\---------------

 

It’s the weekend. I’ve got too many hours to myself and I feel utterly useless.

 

_ you are _

 

There’s no volleyball or school to occupy my time, so I think instead. I should really stop thinking. It’s the least productive thing in my life but I do it so much anyway. It makes me depressed or dazed if I think for too long. Mummy decided to work, again, so I have the house to myself… I should cook something, in case I get hungry. 

 

 **Yes. I can cook** (not much but effort counts).

 

I wake up late on weekends. It’s nice to see not wake up early and not have anywhere to be at the same time. I'm not a morning person unless anxiety makes me so. 

 

I walk to the kitchen and turn the stove on. My brain usually switches off during cooking; same with volleyball, so it’s a lot easier to focus on the task (if that makes sense). All of my focus is just on doing it and everything else disappears. Sifting, weighing, cutting, chopping (just cooking stuff) blends together and I don’t really keep track of what I’m doing because I know that I know what I’m doing… does that even make sense? Probably not. It just happens, I guess. Yeah. I’m making curry.

 

**Bzzt!**

 

I ignore it. It can wait. I’m exposed to naked flames, sharp knives, and dangerous chemicals… I should probably be careful in here. Thinking about it, the kitchen is a really dangerous place: nobody should be in here.

 

**Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt!**

 

Hey! I’m busy. Can I telepathically tell them to stop for a while? So impatient. It’s annoying. I know it’s not Mummy because she would call in 10-15 minutes later if she knew I was busy. It’s probably Oikawa because he loves demanding time from me. Whatever. I’m probably gonna put my hair in a headband; it’s getting in my face and it might get in the food. I’m pretty sure it’s in my blazer pocket… yeah, I’ll check. I run up the stairs (it’s always a race). The doorbell goes off.

 

_ Why? _

 

I am exposed to the world, my bare chest on display. Why is this the time for you to come to my house? Are you strategically planning my moment of weakness? How evil. I get the headband anyway and run back down the stairs. If this is a door-to-door salesman I’m going to scream. Don’t come to my door and tell me crap. Why? What’s the reason? Your job and life must be miserable. I do my hair up and open the door.

 

“Hey, Tobio!” Shouyou beams. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! “I texted and called you but you didn’t answer. I was around and wanted to drop by”

“Go away”

“What’s cooking?” He pushes his way into my house like he did my life. Did I ask for this? What did I do to deserve this? I close the door. “Why are you always naked when I visit you?”

“Well it’s your fault for coming at a time like this”

“I didn’t say that’s a bad thing…  _ ooooh _ is that curry?” Easily distracted piece of shit. Get out my house. Get out my life. Get out of existence. He pops his head in the kitchen. 

 

Whatever. I’m getting changed (I can’t be naked around him, that’s odd). Up the stairs again. If he didn’t come, I wouldn’t have to go through these stairs 300 times in a minute. I should just put something on but I really want to decide on something good. Why am I trying to impress him? Ginger cunt.

 

I do it anyway.

 

Not my best because I don't wanna look like I put too much effort into looking good for him, then he'd act all full of himself like  **_Tobio, you did all this to look good for me. How flattering_ ** . I look good casual. Yes.

“You sure are taking a long time up there!”

“Shut your mouth!”

 

I run down the stairs. He's there, sitting on the couch as if he belongs there, looking through my things. Nosy. I sit next to him.

“Why are you here?” This is the first, and hopefully the last, time he's come unannounced. If I knew any better, I would deck him right there.

“Why not? Besides, I miss you. You ignored me and then punched me” he rambles and leans back into the couch. Now that I take a proper look at his face, it’s really bruised. I really did something.

“Hey… I didn't mean it. I'm sorry.” If I say that word ever again I'm gonna thrown myself off a cliff.

“It’s alright. I mean it's really not but I'm nice so I'll let you get away with it. I want compensation” he states. Compensation? Is he an insurance company? What's with the confidence? He just came into my house and demanded compensation. I should really hit him.

“What do you want?”

“A kiss” he beams. No way in hell!

“Isn't that sexual assault?!” He thinks for a moment.

 

“I'll think about it later” he mumbles and pulls me in. “But if you really don't want me to kiss you, you can just punch me again.” Even though I'm acting so against it… I'm not doing anything. He’s sitting there, reading my expression and trying to decipher what it could mean. I don't know how he knows because I don't. He smirks right against my lip, I can feel the warmth of his breath. 

“I'm really sorry” I whisper. I'm not being sarcastic or snide, I'm 100% genuine because I never meant to do that. I felt really threatened when he pulled me in that time and I don't know why. Shouyou assesses my face and smiles. He kisses me.

 

He kisses me so much that the noises are sloppy. It was like he was waiting for this to happen for so long. But it’s not like I’m not enjoying it, I find it odd that I’m groaning against my will. My mouth is making sounds I didn't consent to. Why is he so good at kissing? I feel like I'm just following whatever he's doing because I feel utterly clueless. He puts his tongue in my mouth. I guess he’s doing that from now on. I follow his tongue with mine, I can feel him smirk. He tastes like miso soup.

 

Shouyou smells so nice. So warm, so friendly but so different. It’s earthy. Why am I like this? I was planning on being angry with him but now his tongue is in my mouth and I'm moaning like a bitch. It tickles. He pulls back.

“I’ve always wanted to do that” he smirks, eyes lidded. 

“Why are you good at kissing?” I DIDN'T MEAN THAT WHAT THE HELL! HE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO KNOW I WAS THINKING THAT!

“Uh...” Shouyou thinks, face reddening. Why did I ask that? What’s wrong with me? “I think about it a lot… with you… and stuff”

 

He places his head in the crook of my neck. Gah! My whole body shivers. He's probably doing it out of embarrassment, calm down. He inhales and it tickles my neck. 

“Sometimes I just wanna… you know” he says and licks my neck. Oh god. Unfortunately, I'm quite sensitive in my neck. Sometimes, when someone breathes on my neck I get shivers, it's odd. I can still feel every strand of his hair on me and it feels like torture… in a good way. I'm trying not to move because he seems really comfy in there. His hair smells like pomegranates and niceness. He nibbles my neck. I gasp in surprise. It doesn't tickle, it fucking hurts! He holds me still and starts kissing my neck. That feels… kinda good. I breathe out shakily. Why is Shouyou so good at this? What did he do with that girlfriend of his? Why am I so jealous? I can feel every graze and lick from him and it feels so good. It feels like I shouldn’t be enjoying it so much, which makes me enjoy it so much more. When something’s wrong it feels so right and I need more. I’m such a masochist. It feels really good. I need to stop making noise. I need to shut my mouth. He stops for a second.

“I don’t know what I’m doing” he states, very matter-of-factly. He snaps his head back. I’m kind of upset. I don’t know why… or there are too many reasons why. I dunno. 

 

**Oh shit, my curry!** I got sidetracked because of this ginger bastard and I didn’t even set the timer. It’s probably horribly burnt. It’s probably inedible by now. I push Shouyou off me and run into the kitchen. I swear if this isn’t I will. I look in the pot. It’s ok. It’s fine. It was the perfect time and now I can start cooking the rice. I guess I should make some extra for Shouyou in case he wants any.  

 

I need to get my mind off him. I need to do something about this. Whenever he appears, things go pear-shaped and my thoughts get perverted. Whenever he kisses me I act all funny and it makes me feel things I shouldn't feel. He does something odd to me and I  don’t like it. His existence makes me think differently. He’s so odd. He makes me feel like I belong because he’s so nice and warm and accepting that I can’t let go. I’m trying so hard to leave him but I can’t bring myself to do it. He’s too good. But he’s too good for me. All I’ve ever done is fuck people over so it’s best if he’s away from me… I guess. A selfish part of me wants him all to myself so he can’t escape and that he’s mine and only mine forever and ever. I get really clingy and I don’t want him to witness it. I really like when kisses me (I can't believe I'm thinking this). I can’t remember the last time I got this close to someone. I don’t think it’s ever happened. 

 

I’ve been staring at the rice cooker for far too long. I wash the rice and add in the water to put into the rice cooker. I’ve lost track of time too easily. I should set the time.

 

“Tobio! I need to ask you something, you’re taking too long!” Shouyou shouts from the living room and flops on the couch.

“What is it?” I shout back.

“Get over here!” Shouyou hollers. Ugh! Fine. I walk over and sink into the couch.

“What?”

“Uh… Right! So I was, um, wondering if… maybe we could? You know. If we could go on a… I can’t. So, right. Um. If we could. Can we? Like on a… A date?” He’s beet red and so am I. His hands are on his face. This feels so…  _ awkward _ . What am I supposed to do? I’ve never been asked out by someone I actually cared about. This is odd. My horrid social skills are showing right now. I can’t say anything, the atmosphere’s too weird. “Right! Forg-”

“No nonono! It’s… yeah. I-I also, yes. Me too” I stutter pathetically and glance at him. He looks shocked in a good way. I wasn’t expecting to do this. I thought I would leave him but I can’t. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, Shouyou will always be in my life whether I like it or not. I’m okay with that.

“Was that a-?”

“Y-yeah… when are we going?” I ask. I can't believe this is happening. He asked me out. He seriously asked me out. I can't believe this. He actually did it!

“I was thinking we could go to the arcade next week if you want.”

“OK,” I blurt. I'm no good at this. “Does this mean we're…?”

“Yeah”

 

_ I'm so happy _

 

\---------------

 

It's far too early for me to be thinking of such things. He's just left and now I can't help but feel this way. I don't get it. I look at the bruise in the mirror and it makes me feel hot all over. I rarely feel like this. It feels obscene: like I shouldn't be doing this. I caress the reddish mark and a spike of pain and pleasure shoots straight to my groin. A slight whimper escapes my lips. My face is so red. I can't believe thoughts have stooped that low. How embarrassing. Remembering Shouyou’s tongue and teeth scraping my neck makes me feel so good. If only he’d touched me more. Oh my god! It’s so embarrassing to want someone or something like this. I feel ashamed. I like this far too much. Teasing myself like this. I'm breathing hard, trying not to make any indecent sounds. This feeling… I shut my eyes, panting like I’d just ran a 100 metres. I feel so good and I haven’t even touched myself. 

 

I need to stop and get a cold shower.

 

Every movement I make just makes the tent in my pants feel even more  _ there _ . I squeeze my eyes shut. I shouldn’t… I  **really shouldn’t** . It's so wrong.

 

_ you should. _

 

I sit on my bed. I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t. Why are my hands roaming? I’ve never felt so guilty. I’m such a coward. Touching myself freely but pushing Shouyou away when he  _ clearly _ wants me. Coward. My hands are shaking. The sound of me undoing my belt buckle and zip makes me shiver with anticipation. The slide of metal rings in my ears. I love it. It's the sound of me doing something wrong and exciting and I love it. The thrill is beyond words. I palm myself through the fabric of my boxers.  _ How dirty, how perverted _ he'd say if he saw me like this. Yes. I like that. I press a lot harder than I should for someone so guilty. I'm enjoying this far too much. I slide boxers off.

 

This is it. 

 

I lick the palm of my hand and grab my dick.  _ Oh _ . I can’t help but moan. It’s so wet and sticky. The speed is agonisingly slow. The sounds are so fleshy and slick. My hips are moving on their own. I’m imagining Shouyou on top of me, doing this, like the disgusting pervert I am. My hips stutter. My fingers glide over my chest and nipples, making me shiver and pant. I’m sweating so much. I’m hot all over. My hands move faster as I imagine Shouyou whispering dirty things in my ear. I’m so depraved. I must’ve been really pent up to react like this. To even think of something like this is so vile and degrading. Yes! That's it! I'm vile. I'm disgusting for thinking this way. I'm such a pervert and I'm so hard because of it. Yes! I'm moaning so loudly because I enjoy this so much like the sicko I am. Oh fuck! Oh god! I feel so good. My grip is so tight and my arm hurts from moving so quickly but I can't help it. I'm kinky. Twisted. Depraved. Perverted.

 

_ i’m such a naughty boy. _

  
My whole body tenses up. It feels so good. Fuck! I'm twitching so much. Lewd moans slip out my mouth. I shudder almost violently, cum dribbles out my cock. It makes me feel sated. I feel boneless. My fingers are sticky. I’ll clean up later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm literally going to hell. I am _literally_ going to **hell**. I had to pray before uploading this I cannot.
> 
>  
> 
> I wrote this and never looked back


	8. Random Events

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my birthday!!! So why not give everyone a shitty gift!
> 
> Probs my shortest chapter. Probs the chapter with the least effort.
> 
> -May xx
> 
> (P.S. I had a triple chocolate cake)

No. This is not weird. This is not weird, this is not weird, this is not weird. You know what! This is completely normal and ok. Everyone searches things and stuff and  _ yeah _ I’m normal, I  **swear** . Just because I’m searching up  _ How to Kiss _ on incognito  **doesn’t** mean I’m a weirdo who has a fixation on, you know,  _ him _ . I’m curious. That’s it. That’s all. I’m fine. I swear...

 

Okay, maybe not. I admit it, alright! I’m  _ slightly _ obsessed with Tobio…  **_slightly_ ** . Joking! A lot. He’s just everywhere now and it drives me mad. He’s so nice. I never thought that I’d say that from when I first met him, but he’s so nice when he wants to be. His smile is the cutest and his reactions are just so  **adorable** . I mean, it’s sometimes, though. I guess it’s alright, he’s only all shy and stuff with me and that makes me feel good. I mean, he’s rude, brash and loud everywhere else but… that’s not important information right now. 

 

Kisses! Don't forget the kisses!

 

Oh wikihow, a reliable source of all information  (it was the first result on google) . You’d think I know how to kiss because I dated someone but we never  _ really  _ kissed… if you think about it. I mean, sorta, but no. We kissed each other on the cheek, but lips were off limits. I know that you shouldn’t have extremely chapped lips because that makes it uncomfortable, but that’s about it. Thank the gods (and wikihow) that I know because it would’ve been a disaster. I mean, I had no idea of half the stuff there; I do stuff ‘cause it feels right to do but apparently you need to be all romantic (which is okay with me) Would that be okay with him? I hope so.

 

But imagine. His lips. Would they be soft and supple? I hope so. I spend a lot of time thinking about them, more than I should, so I’d like to think so. Would he get really flustered, like he usually does? He should. I want him to, so he should. I compliment him and he flushes so much he’s a fire truck, so he should give me a little cute reaction if I kissed him. His reactions are precious; you wouldn't expect it from someone with such a scary face. 

 

A strange part of me wants to embarrass him a lot more, just to see those reactions again. I especially love it when he blushes and scowls and call me an idiot. It’s like he’s so embarrassed but he pretends he isn’t and it just AH! So cute. Hopefully, I can ask him out or at least kiss him… maybe  _ both _ . I’d love that but he’s really difficult so maybe not so much. I get close to him and then he stops talking to me, I don’t like it. He’s weird. I'm weird too so whatever.

 

* * *

 

 

**_Shou 00:37_ **

sup baaaaaabbeeee xx

 

**_Tobester 00:38_ **

I will kill yuo dead and everythnig you stand for wy did yoi waek me up at this late im trying to fet to sleep whats wrogn with you xx

 

**_Shou 00:38_ **

you luv me rly xx

 

**_Tobester 00:39_ **

who let u decide??? xx

 

**_Shou 00:40_ **

ur so mean. besides ur my boyfriend so u should be more friendly to me xx

 

**_Tobester 00:43_ **

piss off im going to bed xx

 

**_Shou 00:43_ **

stay up for a bit pleeaase xx

 

**_Tobester 00:44_ **

whats with the xs

 

**_Shou 00:45_ **

couples do it all the time and since we're a couple we should do that all the time too! xx

 

**_Tobester 00:46_ **

youre an idiot xx

 

**_Shou 00:46_ **

is this how u show affection? xx

 

**_Tobester 00:47_ **

im tired xx

 

**_Shou 00:48_ **

I'm tired of u u silly goose xx

 

**_Tobester 00:48_ **

ill punch u xx

 

**_Shou 00:_ **

call me xx

 

**_Incoming Call: Tobester_ **

 

“I didn’t think you’d call,” Shouyou says with tiredness dragging down his voice. He has a lazy smirk plastered on his face.

“Piss off”

“You’re so unfriendly! If this continues I’m gonna break up with you” Shouyou threatens, eyes half-lidded.

“Can you shut up?” Tobi’s head shifting on the pillow can be heard through the speakers.

“I’m only joking!” Shouyou giggles. “I just wanna hear your voice”

“Hm,” Tobio hums and closes his eyes. They sit there for awhile and listen to each other's breathing.

 

“ _ We're _ going out. Tomorrow, aren’t we?” Tobio asks, the phone resting right next to his head. He couldn't sleep but hearing someone else so tired makes him tired.

“Yeah… Maybe  _ a- in the- _ , 2 in the afternoon.” Shouyou slurs.

“Where are we going... after the arcade,  _ I mean. Yeah _ .” Tobio stumbles over his words, the softness of the bed getting to him. Stupid Shouyou! Getting him tired at night, making him yawn.

“ _ Maybeeee somewheeeereeee _ to eat…  **iunno** ,” Shou closes his eyes. “I’mma close my eyes for a lil bi’.”

 

A little bit… maybe a whole night. 

 

* * *

 

 

Shouyou sat at the desk with his nose bleeding profusely. No matter how much he wiped it, scarlet still stained his desk below him. The taste of copper fills his mouth. All he wants to do is breathe in but it’ll just get clogged in his throat. He’d rather die than live like this.

“Are you okay?” Tobio asks, hand on Shouyou’s back and his face really close to his. He looks at Shou with eyes filled with utter dread and worry. What had just happened? What did he do? Why did he do it? 

 

“You stabbed me in the nose with a pen! I'm not okay!” Shouyou grips his nose, trying to keep the blood in. It really hurt. He shouldn’t be losing this much blood.

“Shut up! You were annoying me!” Tobio shouts in defense of his ruthless actions. Who just stabs noses like that?

“YOU MADE ME BLEED!”

“Whatever! It’s in the past now,” Tobio says, trying not to argue and (you know) help his boyfriend. “Tilt your head”

“I’m bleeding right now,” Shouyou states, tilting his head up. “And you’re just gonna… not care. Cool”


	9. Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shouyou and Tobio go out on their date and have a lil smooch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you guys so much that I actually forced myself to write this chapter for you. And no, don’t say take a break, May, it’s fine, May it’s not fine at all. I must finish this to make myself feel at ease! I’m the worst perfectionist you’ll ever witness so I’ll sometimes change whole chapter because I don’t like them. Kill me. Enjoy btw

I'm really nervous. Not nervous as in volleyball match but almost. I haven't thrown up (yet) but I feel like it. I just wanna scream and run through the hills naked. I mean, yeah, that's weird. I just… what if it's a joke or something. I know Tobio isn't the type to make jokes like that but what if it's a secret team up with Tsukishima. What if he had a secret plan to screw me over all these years (well months). Ah! It’s really unlikely but still.

I'm rifling through my closet, trying to find the perfect outfit. I mean, sure, I've had a girlfriend before, but going out to see her wasn't as nerve-racking as this. It makes me feel better that he might be feeling this way about it as well. I have to make sure, though. I’ll call him.

Calling Tobester xx

“Hello?” I ask. Maybe he’s there, maybe he’s not. You can never tell.  
“Aren't we not allowed to talk to each other until we meet or something?” Tobio says and I hear him walking around the room. I'm probably on speaker.  
“Silly, that's for when you get married!” I put him on speaker and keep looking through my closet. He likes the colour purple, I think, so maybe I can wear a bit of purple. Or is it blue?  
“Shut up” he mumbles and I hear him put his shirt on. He has a nice stomach.

“Are you nervous?”  
“Uh… not really,” he says and puts his pants on. He always puts his shirt on first… don't ask me how I know that. “I'm just seeing you again… besides, I see you all the time, whether I like it or not”  
“I'm not that bad!” I object because I'm not; I'm pretty great. But that makes me feel bad. I'm the only one freaking out and here he is, not doing that. Like, who are you? Making me feel bad. He better stop. I pick out a random outfit because it’s only Tobio. I mean, I see him all the time, right, so it shouldn’t even matter. He’ll like me either way. I’ll just wear my favourite outfit (if it’s clean). Maa says its gross but she’s a girl and they’re good at fashion. In fact! I should ask her! She’ll know. 

But that’ll be too much effort and it’ll show. ‘Cause I’ll be there looking amazing and he won’t. What if he ends up wearing a hoodie and I’m wearing something that you’d see in a black tie event? He’d be super embarrassed. I’d be super embarrassed! Let’s go for the old faithful. 

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I walk up the street and see Tobio; standing near the arcade on his phone. I love this place so much! I used to go here when I was little, and then I got Natsu to go, and she liked it. I always remember spending countless hours on that damn crane. The basketball games were my favourite because they were the closest thing to volleyball. Let's not talk about those dance games were the bane of my existence. My legs were never fast enough on the last levels (I had to get dragged off before I spent too much money on it. I bet the owner’s love me for that, though). Paa might not have fond memories of it as he had to babysit while Maa was with her friends.

I give Tobio a wave and he glances up, giving a little wave back. I speed up my pace a little (it’d be awkward if I didn’t). I run up to him and give him a huge hug. Things from there kinda progress. He grabs my hand and we walk in, talking about how great all the machines are. I tell him about when we used to come here all the time. He kinda scoffs saying ‘Of course you invited me here’ or something dismissive like that. Honestly, you think he gets nicer. But then he says things like that and you kinda go ‘ha no he didn’t’ and slap yourself.

We went around the building and tried a variety of games. I was kinda surprised when we went to the crane and got a thing. It was only a small thing. He was so adamant about keeping it to himself. He said ‘Shouyou, I swear I got something last time, dumbass’ or whatever. It was only a small teddy, but he was so happy about it that he refused to even let me near it. It was annoying at first but it slowly became adorable. Like, how cute is that. He got really attached and named it Airi. 

Then we went to eat some hamburgers because that was the closest thing to us at the time. I told him Natsu stories and shared milkshakes with him because we’re a cringy couple. I was nervous at first but it just kinda melted as soon as the day out with him started. It didn’t  feel like a date, it was like hanging with him on any day. He didn’t  wanna kiss me because we were in public but that’s ok, I guess. His company was nice enough.

Now, we’re walking back to his house because he lives the closest to this area. He’s talking about how he likes his eggs and the nutritional value of milk and all I can think about it how adorable he is. Like, think about it. Think about it for a minute. He just is. Yeah. Maybe that’s why I like him so much. He is strange but it’s a settling strange and even if he is a bit rough around the edges, he’s still really nice. Sometimes he’ll say something without even thinking and it’s both good and bad. Maybe he’ll compliment me, maybe he’ll make fun of me (mostly the latter). I’ve actually learned how to block it out so well that I don’t remember them. That and there’s too many to remember.

We’re at his front door and he opens it.  
“I’ll get going now” I stated.  
“No, dumbass, get in. Mummy won’t be in for a while” he scoffs like I’m some sort of idiot and opens the door. I guess so. I can’t spend too much time, though, Maa’s expecting me to be at the house at a certain time.

He falls back on his couch and gets his phone out. I’ve been to his house plenty of times… for revision, of course. But we were never together then so I never thought much about it. I guess I’m over thinking because we’re together. People just expect us to be all over each other whenever we’re around each other. I guess we kind of are but, like, does he expect me to be all over him. I hope so and I hope not, to be honest with you. His face looks lickable but at the same time I just wanna chill and talk about random stuff. Weird. I don’t even understand it myself.

“Sit down,” he says, scrolling through twitter. I sit next to him, making sure I sit closer than normal. He takes a look at where I’m at and goes back to his phone. Over-thinking everything is my speciality. He doesn’t even care. Of course, he doesn’t care, I’m just an idiot. I’m a fool in a man’s clothes.

“What are you laughing at?” he asks, nonchalantly.  
“I was so nervous for no reason. Like, I don’t even know why I was, looking back at it,” I ramble and sink into his couch.  
“That’s not funny” he states, without even thinking about it. He has nice lips. They look so soft and pink. Kissable. Kissable was the word I was looking for. So nice and plump. What am I even thinking right now?  
“Can I kiss you?” I blurt. Yikes. He looks me up and down, face red because I’m a weirdo. I shouldn’t say half the things I say but I do. I shouldn’t do the things I shouldn’t say either.   
“Only quickly” he complies and closes his really pretty eyes. Have I ever spoken about them? I feel like keeping my eyes open while kissing but that’s breaking the first rule of kissing. Placing my lips on his, I feel how soft and pliable they are. I have to pull back, of course, because it’ll be weird if we made out when he didn’t really want it. I’m pretty sure it’s called sexual assault.

“I like you a lot”  
“Oh shut up”

I guess that’s the way he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end. I just wanted to end this because it’s been going on for a while and I’ve kinda lost the drive for it. That doesn’t mean I’ve stopped writing! I’m just gonna take up some prompts and start writing them. Oh and my tumblr is @taciturnpotatos and my simblr is @sepiasimmer (I barely go on them)

**Author's Note:**

> I have written stories with 20,000 words, how can I not do this?
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> kill me.


End file.
